Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Occurred to me the planned call to w this morning didn't happen. Did try but s kept saying no, and then hair washing and a lot of other bits got in the way. Did say to w sorry was the plan. Didn't tell her s wasn't really bothered about it as I'll be the bad guy either way and she's already worried about losing him.

A lot easier when it was breakfast in bed.

I imagine I'm in the bad books regardless despite asking did w want s today, w seems to be continuing request by hint and I'm still failing at it. I just can't help feeling w is done, just doesn't want to alienate s. I know I know beong paranoid but even w says I know her better than she does and I keep getting this feeling, not to mention other information tells me she's keeping me in the dark.

Very very low tonight. I really don't know what to do apart from go dark and since that's apparently all w wants its not much of an action.

Yes I'll keep working on myself, even go in the motions of gal but unless I walk away not going to change much soon.

Sigh..

[Ggrass]

Tough, if your in her bad books, let her ruminate on edzs!

Nice to be her thoughts! if that mind reading correct she's still attached to you edzs.

Indifference is the opposite of love right?

[edz]

Morning gg

I hope so. Nothing from w last night or this morning so whatever she's doing or thinking she doesn't want to discuss it with me.

Its like there's two of her. The one I see in person and the one when not. Maybe she just puts on a friendly front in person and in front of s, maybe the opposite.

I can't let myself obsess so am trying to pull away right now but its hard. I'm down at the moment and exercise and getting out there don't seem much help to me. Back to fake it until I make it I suppose, not like I have a lot of choice right now.

[edz]

Its really hard going today, havent done the morning exercises yet though (WFH and stacked on calls since 7) will take a timeout shortly.

Not reporting on w since nothing changing and I dont know and cant control what shes up to anyway (more for me to say that out loud than for the posting).

Definite backslide in emotions this last few weeks. I think its because I saw signs of her wanting to talk. Even said this to her the last time we did discuss things. I said Im not going to keep pushing but you said to me (in tears) you really wanted to sit and talk with me, that was 3 weeks ago and I cant believe she cant find time anywhere to get an hour or two to sit down. She now tells me this is because of all the stuff in her head with work and eveything else.

I can only respond with that's fine, let me know when you're ready as Im not about to pressure her further but it just feels more and more like she knows the outcome of that conversation and wants to hang onto friends as long as possible.

Could all be wrong of course, its based on bits she's said and we know contradictory states and how accurate they are. But its also based on what I know she's also said to other friends.

This will all pass, I know that, I know by weeks end I'll be in a different mental space and even if w is the same I will be more positive (I hope) or at least more informed than at the begining.

I'm just feeling so very low right now though. Out this evening to see whats happening with the local entertainment group (cinema and media fans) see if that makes any difference.

Just want to stop feeling like this right now.

[rd500]

Hi Eda, your pain is coming across mate. It's very hard, atleast if she told you it was over, you could start to move on. I have no advice but for the sucess stories I've read it takes a long long time for the M to be reconciled. It's a marathon and not a sprint. All I can say is the longer it goes on your W will be thinking. She made a choice when she left but she is not moving on completly yet. For all your thinking on it your W is also thinking, the improvements in Edz, the new and great R you have with S. Stay strong mate, my L/C will always tell me of examples that she has witnessed of couples reconciling. It does happen. Your W might be gone now but who knows what she is thinking today, tomorrow, etc. Nothing is over until Edz says it is.

Chin up Edz, thinking positive thoughts for. take care, Rd

[edz]

Thanks RD

Yes, exactly that.

If you'll indulge some waffling to get it out..

W told me it was over, she left me. Thats a pretty decisive statement. I worked on myself and rebuild r with son. That in itself has upset w as she now has to share. While I was in conflict with s and not having a healthy parenting relationship she had him all the time and said she wanted he and i to have a healthy relationship.

Now its clear she hates the feeling of loss that she has to share him while at the same time she knows its better for him. I've changed physically and, thanks to counselling, my issues with s are gone, the internal anger at myself has gone and i'm calmer. I'm prepared to not "need" her like I did even if we reconciled and I think thats evident as well.

W has her own issues which as Ive said I cant go into - they are not OP related. She wants to H.E. s 100% of the time but is nearly out of money and her old job is playing silly devils on getting rid of her over her health which is causing her issues too.

All of this is conflicting and I'm trying to be understanding and respectful of her space - indeed sometimes probably a little too much so (I wont touch or go near cabinets, cupboards etc when in the flat unless specifically asked to help, wont enter unless invited, dont assume any kind of access to anything).

So when I have the kind of communications that came up some weeks back I want to talk to her as she says she does to me. I'm an emotionally open sort, curtailing that does me no good and is a major reason for the problems I faced with depression over the past 5 years leading to a lot of our m problems. So apparent (as I dont say they are but they seem to be) mind games such as non responsiveness and saying she's desperate to talk then saying s is the reason she cant (doesnt want him listening in) hurts me as its clearly nonsense and could be fixed by a call to her friends from her asking can s stay over for a night.

So if w says we're done why am I like this?

Because I want to be sure, absolutely sure, positively sure, I did all I could before letting her completely go and moving on. No i'm not going to rush into something new, right now Im not sure anyone will even want me again (this is my depressive instincts talking - I know that) I feel unwanted and unloved except for s and I'm trying so hard not to drag him into any of this as he's the one success in all of this.

I also know if I let go, if I move on and if someone new does appear thats it. I dont do half measures in relationships and w would have to go into the past for my sanity. Yes we'd see each other but I can't do friends I've been clear since last year it's not and unlikely to ever be an option, friendLY coparenting is the best I can offer.

W and I used to joke years back that the worst thing you could do to either of us would be leave an unsolved puzzle in front of them and chain them up so they couldnt fix it. Thats exactly how I feel right now. At work, GAL, anywhere right now I feel utterly alone even sitting in front of and talking to people.

It's just horrible at the moment, I'm hoping its because there's a pregnant pause in everything and something will happen soon even if its just talk. I want that to be the start of a road (however long it may take) toward reconciliation but this dangling hope is the problem right now. W knows she's doing it, she said when we had the door keys incident a few weeks ago that shes not ruling anything in or out and needs time and isnt trying to stall for anything, I can live with giving her that but not this being deperate to talk then pushing and going silent.

Right now I'm trying to practice detachment (which is coming back today but has been slipping a little) and warm contact which are tricky to balance. MD is always a pressure point for me as well which hasnt helped.

We shall see how the week goes.

Thanks

[jim0987]

Hi edz,

Sorry your feeling low at the moment. Wish there was something I could do.

Your in the eye of the storm, its calm now but all around you can see big waves and strong winds caused by the maelstrom your wife's emotions are in. She's probably feeling a whole mixture of pain and loss and fear. Your seeing the storm and you know at some point it will hit but you don't know when.

At some point she will move and you'll hit the eyewall and get caught up in it all, but you've got to navigate yourself safely through to the other side. you could wait or you could move and choose both timing and direction.

There ain't no way out but through.

It feels like your worry is getting to you rather than the circumstances themselves as in that sense you are still where you were. What can you do to let go of the worry?

Where do you want to go? And what can you do to prep for / start that journey?

[edz]

Hi Jim

ahh that's the question isn't it.

I can indeed just say to w (as I told her I would if the time came) I can't continue like this, I need to take control and heal and move on. Then hope the future holds a loving relationship with someone new. W and I would co-parent (there's simply no way I can be close friends I can't separate my feelings from friendship it would be horribly unfair on me and anyone who may enter my life), we would be done unless w decided she has to be in my life.

I'm not ready to do that yet.

So my other option is to try to be calm, relax, get on with the other 95% of life - yes, mostly boring stuff and understand I have no control other than my own actions.

I have run all the scenarios (including 'thing') 100 times out loud to wife (who wasnt there stand in cushions or cat). The ultimate reality is I cant be prepared fully as w is inconsistant in what she wants, how shes getting there and what life she wants to live.

If I may - over time the scenario has been.

* She has just changed and wants to be someone different, she's with parents and its 100% the right thing to do no regrets.

* She and parents can raise s better without me

* She cant live with parents but doesnt know how to tell her mum shes thinking of moving back (Aug/Sep)

* She doesnt want to move back but wants to rent somewhere

* She doesnt want anything to do with the flat because she cant live there or have a connection with her mum

* She's moving back to the flat if I can find somewhere else

* She wants to see if she can make a go of it herself

* She's not ruling anything in or out, wants to talk to me

* She cant talk to me as she has s or I have s and doesnt want to talk if he can hear us


So emotionally I can give up or wait it out. Waiting means there's no guarantee and w can just say "thing" or no she chooses her mum over me or she just flat out doesn't want to be with me in which case I've lost time had some emotional turmoil but otherwise still where I was.

There's also s of course. He wants us to be together more than anything and is happiest when we are. Absolutely this is not the only reason to get back together as an unhappy reconciliation would be worse for him than riding out a divorce but I'm prepared to continue my efforts and increase them, it's really down to w. Much as I will try to present a smooth front with w on this s is too old and seen to much to buy it. He will blame w, he's told me this despite my saying he mustnt and sometimes these things just happen (I havent fed that back to w).

Unfairly perhaps and despite my conversations she will take the heat from him and I think she knows that, she's said she knows she'll be the bad guy, I've tried to reassure them both but if she choses not to reconcile its inevitable and I think that scares her.

of course I dont want her to reconcile because of fear of s's reaction or other issues just to leave again in 2,5 or 10 years when s leaves (I think she'd been thinking of that for a long time unspoken too).

Ultimately I want an opportunity for us all to be happy, ideally together. I'll do all the work I have to to achieve that but cant do it alone. I just need a small sign from w whether she can even imagine doing that.

I cant continue as is forever though, I know that, I told w that last year. Ultimately I wonder is that what she's hoping I'll do so she doesnt have to be the bad guy and can be the one who just needed time but her husband wasnt patient enough.

I hope I'm wrong.

[jim0987]

Edz, forgive me for saying this if it causes any offence but reading your last post, that's a whole lot of pressure you are subconsciously putting on your W.

Its hard, I really do get that and those steps you laid out of her confusion and the scenario, well there is a direction of travel in that. Your wife is trying to figure out who she is and what she wants from life and by the looks of it is understanding that means compromises.

What about you edz? What's your direction of travel? What makes you fun and interesting? Or more importantly what makes you laugh and interested? If you push through the storm where are you headed, with or without your wife?

Waiting isn't living.

A Dr Seuss extract....

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

[rd500]

Hi Edz. No waffle there mate , just your feelings. You obviously love your W. Edz can continue to improve , continue to detach and continue becoming a fantastic dad. Leave W to her own thoughts and see what happens. I was with a girl for four years when I was younger. Mthis love of my life. We split up , I was devastated and met W 4 months later( while not looking ) through a friends friend and 24 years of happiness. Life can change in a heartbeat. I read all your posts and your doing much better than you think Edz is becoming a man only a fool would leave and if W is a fool then so be it. Edz will come through and be happy again Carry on standing for as long as Edz wants to. If. W decides no more in a few months then Edz knows he tried everything and didn't get the outcome he wished for but he know a vastly improved Edz.

Stay strong mate. For me your doing great. Let W come to you. Only she knows when she's ready. Take care. Rd