Would it be appropriate to send her a link to the books? Let her know that these might help? Or should I continue to leave her alone to figure things out.
I can only imagine how badly you want to see her turn around. If you are the one trying to give her information it won't be received or have the effect it would if she found the information herself. Yes, that book was very effective in my case, but it might not be the same with her. I was at that point in my journey where the timing of everything fell just right for me to be receptive to that information. If my H had given it to me, however, I probably would not have bothered to look at it. B/c he still had to be careful not to show any pursuit.
I cannot stress enough how important "timing" plays a part in the WW finding her way back. If she has expressed some remorse, that is good. If you didn't show too much excitement about it, that is even better. LBH's get too eager at the first positive sign, and that scares her away. She still needs time. I have doubts about these WW's that claim everything is back to normal too quickly, and just wants to put it behind her and move on. It is a slow process she has to work through.
Wait for her to come to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 thanks again... I just popped to catch up on this thread.... And again found your thoughts on the matter very insightful. Just what I needed. Thank you again, I should have come to this DBing forum long ago, props to all the new people that got here early.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Hi Sandi2, I have just read this start to finish... You have described my wife to perfection.. In fact so much so I'm not sure you're not her!!
Firstly, this should be sticky'd for all newcomers, this would have helped me immeasurably in the first few weeks, I was convinced it was a MLC... but now reading what you wrote in your first post it is clear to me that she is a WW.
I have since then done almost every bad thing you suggest not doing... From being a doormat to trying to be friends and everything in between. Tbh I was just desperate to be in her company and as you said show her I could be the perfect H. The more I did that the worse things have gotten. I won't re-hash what I just posted this morning again here, but please pop over to my thread for todays update.
Reading your posts, just highlighted what I have been thinking the last few days, and I think things are bad enough to actually follow through on this advice. That and I am mentally stronger and able to do so.
Now you say that the H has to move on, so is going on a date or similar effective, too much or just going to look like tit-for-tat and actually make things worse?
Once again thank you for this amazing insight and please mods get this top of the page as a matter of urgency!
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
I've read this a couple times. As always thank you Sandi. Some of this is hard to read from a place of hope, but it is very important to have some understanding of the WW perspective, and it also forces an appropriate level of expectation (which should be at zero).
The below quote is one of the items I have been thinking about the most. My understanding and actions early on where the exact opposite of what I should have been doing. I catered to her, told her I loved her, tried to own up to my mistakes, and honestly, I would have admitted anything at the moment. My self esteem was at an all-time low. Looking back, I wish I didn't react at all, kept my dignity and just asked a simple question... "What do you believe needs to change for you to stay?" I believe she wouldn't even have an answer to that question. I was so late to the party that she was just trying to figure out how to leave.
Regardless, I am with Bing. I'd definitely buy your book. Thank you for all you do.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I have seen this, where the H goes into some kind of denial and tries to convince himself that his W really is doing nothing wrong. He thinks maybe his imagination and jealousy is in overdrive. I suppose that may be a natural respone, IDK.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Firstly, this should be sticky'd for all newcomers, this would have helped me immeasurably in the first few weeks, I was convinced it was a MLC... but now reading what you wrote in your first post it is clear to me that she is a WW.
First of all this thread was created on 3/7/15 so anyone that started posting before that would need to read it. It is now included in my welcome thread to newbies. As none of us are mods, we can not sticky it, and I am of the opinion that we have enough stickied to the top of the page now.
As far as MLC vs WAS, let me reiterate that the LBS still does exactly the same thing. I sometimes think that this forum makes too big of a deal about the differences.
As far as MLC vs WAS, let me reiterate that the LBS still does exactly the same thing. I sometimes think that this forum makes too big of a deal about the differences.
Just MHO and .02
Make that .04, as I totally agree with this ^^. I usually advice those dealing with infidelity/waywardness within an MLC to do the exact same things, only with more PATIENCE about how long it may take to get results. But it's all still about healthy boundaries, strong attractive stances, genuine 180s and GALs, strong legal and financial protection, and DETACHING oneself from the outcome.
