Wife Still in MLC but has now Left #8

[Matt165]

Thank you Joe,
It will be good to have some insight from someone who has gone through this. The thing about my D is she is such a great kid. She gets straight "A's", has always gotten along well with other kids, has many interests and really cares about others. This change all started with her mothers MLC. Because of that she lost her older sister (she moved at age 19 to live with her boyfriend rather than live with her mother half the time. She is more angry at her mom than I am.), was moved 30 miles away half the time, away from her friends, was put in public school for the first time in her life where just her class has more students than her entire school had in grades K-8 and where she didn't know anyone, has had to put up with her mothers behavior which is so confusing to her and worse of all has lost the sense of security that comes with having an intact family.

From my talk with W, she doesn't think that any of that has anything to do with why D15 is suffering so much she is cutting herself. No, just like every MLCer she doesn't see how much hurt and pain her selfish actions have caused and are still causing now. It's alway something or someone else's fault just like her own unhappiness is my fault alone. I hope we get an IC that understands MLC and doesn't just pretend it doesn't exist like so many do.

I will be picking D15 up later today and will be talking to her. Thank you for your offer of help. This forum has helped me in so many ways, maybe it can help in this case as well!

[Mighty]

Hey Matt. So sorry to hear about d15. I have been through similar things, so I get it. It is scary stuff. I would be very careful of who d15 is hanging with. It could influence in how she deals with things. I was told that this is more frequently done by teens now than we think. And since dealing with it, I have discovered other kids I know who have been doing it, too. Please understand that I am not minimizing it at all... not even close. It can be quite shocking for us. Terrifying. It is certainly something that needs to be addressed.

Also, do not think for one second that w will use this as an opportunity for any sort of self reflection. She will not see this as a consequence of her actions.

(When xh came back, he was very apologetic and said he knew things were messed up bc of his actions. However, when specific things would arise, he was sure to point the finger in every other direction.)

I know you will talk with your d and keep an open line of communication. See what things will help her to deal with this stuff. Keep trying different things until she finds what works for her. I know it is hard to know what's going on while she is at her mom's, but I would pay close attention to the friends.

Hope the job is going well.

[Joe46]

Matt, not sure what triggers these things in kids. My S was always popular. Teachers loved him. He was funny and very caring. Seemed after girlfriend and him broke up, it went downhill from there. It got so bad that I had to put him in the counseling center for a week. It did some good for him. Counselor helped the most. I am here if you need to talk. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, so I knew how my S felt.

[Matt165]

Well, when it rains it pours!
Got a call just as I walked in with D15 from picking her up (i hadn't spoken with her yet about the cutting). It was my mom. My dad had a seizure this morning. My mom called 911 and while on the phone, my father stopped breathing. My 76 year old mom had to do CPR until the ambulance came. The 911 operator helped walk my mom through CPR and they were able to revive him. He is in the hospital and has had a CAT scan, EEG, EKG, blood test and they don't know what is wrong with him. He is having weird things happen where he turns bright red from head to toe and he sees flashes of light and that lasts a min or two and then stops. My parents live 1600 miles away so there is very little I can do to help.

This delayed my talking to D15 about the cutting but I did . She is not wanting to go to IC. She said that she has had trouble dealing with the fall out from the D, hates that she has to get uprooted and dragged from my house to her mothers house every week. Hates that she has been taken away from her sister. All the things that I thought were bothering her. I told her that I would have given anything to not have all this happen. That I tried everything I knew to keep our family together but I just couldn't. D15 also said she was depressed and it just made things worse when she started cutting. She "hated" herself and felt like a loser and that made the depression worse. She also hates that her mother leaves her alone every night, is never there for her. I told her that her mother does love her and she said that she had spoken to her mother and said she knows this. I told her that she can talk to me about anything. That I won't judge her or belittle her or over-react. I told her that I have tried to be there for her as much as possible and it pains me that I can't be there half the time. So much is outside my control.

I told her that she needs to talk to an IC and that it may help to talk to someone. She really doesn't want to do that and said that she won't take pills because her friend who "used" to cut was put on pills and they "messed her up". She said that now adays kids don't need IC's because they have the internet. I told her that I would never make her do something (like take pills) unless I really believed it was the best thing. That I'm not going to just do whatever some IC says if it isn't the right thing.

Well, so much for W's statement that D "doesn't hurt kids, it's all about how the parents act after". How in the world do the MLCers live with what they do? How can my W still justify her actions, her destroying her family in some search for "joy" knowing what it's done to D15? W said she talked to D15 and they both cried and "talked things out". Yeah, I'm sure that all is better now.You are so right Mighty, she will NEVER accept that her selfishness and actions have done the exact things that she swore she would never do to her kids. Of course, it doesn't matter to her. She won't change a single thing about how she is behaving because she is too selfish and self centered to care about anyone BUT herself. It's disgusting. If her D mutilating herself isn't enough to make her re-think her actions NOTHING will.

I have told D15 that she needs to tell me if there is anything that she thinks will help and also that she will need to at least try some IC. To give it a chance, a real chance and she may find it helpful. All I know is that I will do whatever I have to to help her through this. I know I can't count on her mother so I will have to be the best I can for her.

[Wet]

Matt it really is pouring on you. I'm sorry. Please keep us updated on your father.

And you also have to deal with d15's cutting herself? Is there someone else, like a female family member who can speak with your daughter? It sounds like she needs help and have someone to speak with. Strength.

[Matt165]

Hi to everyone. It's been a bit but my life has been a bit crazy so I haven't had much time to post.

I going to be as honest as I possibly can here. Sometimes it's hard to put into words all that is going on in my head but I can only try. Right now, today, I feel like there is little point to fighting all the crap. I mean, it's like a never ending stream of things that are put in my way every time I start to move forward. First, my dad is doing much better. They have ruled out stroke and brain tumor as the cause for his seizure but still don't know why he had it. I so wish I could be there. I moved 1600 miles away for my W. I NEVER wanted to live where I do but it was what SHE wanted and I did it. I want to be there for him and my mom so badly. They have been there for me all my life and over the last year more than I could have ever hoped. If my W would let me, I would take my D's and move there without a 2nd thought. Even my D's say how much they would rather live around my family, how much they dislike where we live. My D15 said that it's so nice when she goes to visit. She feels so much love from the family she has there, even though they don't see her often they love and accept her without question. I miss that.

I have spoken with my D15 about the cutting. She feels so foolish for doing it and the self loathing she feels just makes it worse. She is upset about having to move from home to home every week. She feels like she is living from a suitcase and she is right. If my W hadn't moved so far this moving back and forth may have worked but it's just too far. She hates that her mom is "crazy", is afraid that she will also become like this when she is older. She is angry that her mom is always on her case, that she can't talk to her about things without her being judgmental. She's angry about what her mom did to me. She knows how hard I tried to make our M work, saw how important our family was/is to me and she can't understand why her mom would choose to listen so much to her own father who is "mean" and "creepy" and doesn't care about her or her sister. I'm not looking forward to going to C as my W says that the three of us will have to go together at least once. I don't know how I'm going to be able to sit and listen to my W without calling her on her crap.

I'm once again having trouble with my lawyer. I got an email saying that I wasn't responding to them (just like a couple months ago!) when I haven't heard a thing from them. My cell isn't working and I have told them to call my home phone or email me but the secy. there just calls my cell and leaves messages I never get. They gave me bad advice, got NOTHING for me and now can't seem to understand that they can't reach me on my cell. This woman says she called my home and emailed me when I KNOW she didn't. All I need to do is check my messages and look on my phone bill and there is NOTHING from them but she insists she did. If she worked for me I'd fire her! So now I have to find time to miss work to go see him. I can't afford this crap, don't need the stress. I feel like they work for my W's lawyer the way they have acted throughout this.

The IRS stuff has now come back full force. I and my W both have registered letters waiting and I know what they will be. They will say we owe all this money and I will need to hire a tax lawyer to help us. I have looked into firms and have found one that looks good but I can't afford to pay my reg bills. How will I pay for this? Of course W is freaking out and will get on my case as before (already started just because she got a notice that there is a letter!). More stress I don't need.

I live in a place that is unbearable without air conditioning and my home air is not working. It freezes up in min's after you turn it on. It is old and won't last long and this is more money I don't have to fix it.

In my new job I have had my license for 3 weeks. My boss is on my case saying I should be selling more. Says I talk about doing things but need to do them. The thing is I haven't had a chance to do the things he talks about, I'm supposed to be at work 10 hours a day, half the time I have my D ALONE and where I'm going to find time is beyond me. Talking to the others that work there he is like this. He is always pushing but doesn't give them the tools to do what he wants. I didn't even get any cards until 2 days before he talked to me and he wanted to know why I wasn't out druming up business. So, I'm supposed to tell people to call me or come see me and not even have a card to give them? The best employee there is ready to quit and 2 out of 5 total since I started have already quit since I started a month ago! He is totally different than he was during the interview. The thing is I really know I can do well if he gives me the time to learn and grow into the position. He just expects too much too soon. The thing is, this job could be much less stressful and rewarding if he would calm down and understand the people he has working for him. He is all over the place with things he wants us to do and it seems every day there is some new thing he wants from us that he read about or heard about when we haven't even been able to start the thing he said we needed to do the day before! Very frustrating!

It just seems like I can't catch a break. I can't find a min. to take a breath without some emergency, some other thing that costs money I don't have that MUST be taken care of. The weeks I have my D15 I'm not home until 7:30-8:00 because I work so late and have to drive so far to get her. If my W hadn't left when and the way she did, hadn't let me cash in my retirements 3 months before telling me she was leaving I could have used that money to help me. She left when I was for the first time in 20 years not making enough money to live. I would never have done the same to her when she was not working no matter how I felt about her or our M.

I wonder how my w feels now about her theory that the girls won't be at all hurt by the D. That she would be a better mother because she would be so happy and they would be happy too. I told her that week to week having to switch homes would be hard on D15 and all W said was I was just trying to "take her D away from her". Everything is about her and how she will be affected, not about her kids, her family, me...we all don't matter.

The things that I loved most about my W have all disappeared. Her loyalty, her care for her kids, her thoughts that family come first. Even her great love of animals and concern for them is gone! (A big part of why we lived where we did was so we could take in strays and have many animals. Now she sees the dogs we have as in the way.) How does this happen? Such a total personality change. Even her thoughts about M have totally changed. She sees me struggling and just doesn't care. She worries more about how her "friends" will think and feel about her if they found out D15 was cutting then getting her help. This is the person I choose to M? How is it I didn't see this about her, that she could become like this?

I sad and I'm tired. I keep working my butt off to try and dig my way out of this mess and I can't make headway because something new always comes up. I worry about my D15 but I also know there isn't a thing I can do to stop her mother from doing things that hurt her. I would like to help my D19 with money to get a car, to live a better life but I can't afford to live myself so I can't help her. It's like every time I start feeling better and moving forward something new knocks the wind out of me. I want my life to work. I want to start a new life post W but all the crap from my old life and all the new problems caused by my W's actions just keep holding me back. I don't see how this can end well unless things change. I'm trying my best but what if it isn't good enough?

[Mighty]

Hi Matt. I totally understand. There was a time where I felt that things continued to go wrong. All at once. Like, as soon as I felt I was about to make head-way, something else would come up. Oh man, it stinks. I am still overwhelmed by some thing, but... getting better a little at a time. Still setbacks, but... something's gotta give, right??!!

I am glad your dad is doing better. That must be a relief. I am sure it is difficult being away, too. I'm sorry.

Your d's response to this is very similar to what my kids feel. But, they don't have to do the suitcase thing. Luckily, they have only one home. It is unfortunate bc they don't have the r w a father figure like that anymore. But, at least they don't have to move around. I also get your d's response to the cutting. I hope things are getting better for her in that respect. And also, my s18 told me last year that he was scared he would turn out like his dad and "dad's dad" (they don't call him grandpa or anything- just dad's dad. They really are concerned by this. I guess to see someone whom they love and respect go totally haywire! It like they really can't understand what happened either. So sad.

As far was work, Matt... try not to let your boss get to ya. It sounds like no matter what you do, he is going to find something to be upset about. You aren't going to win. But, that doesn't mean you can't be successful. Don't waste any energy on it. Let it go in one ear and out the other. Focus on what you need to take care of. If you have confidence in your abilities, then do it. Take care of business. Some people are just like that and there is nothing you can do. Kill him with kindness and keep it moving. Stay outta his way- under the radar- as much as you can- and do what ya gotta do.

I know there is a lot of stuff that is out of your control here, Matt. It makes it difficult to establish yourself like that sometimes. Try not to focus on that which you can't control. Keep moving in the right direction. Eventually, it will get some traction and you will gain momentum. You have been doing well and progressing. Even if it doesn't seem like it. Movement is good!

Keep your head up. We are rooting for you!

[Matt165]

Thanks for the kind words and advice, Mighty.

Just found out last night that the woman who lives right next door to me died. Her husband had a stroke about a year and a half 2 years ago that left him unable to speak and care for himself. A couple months after that she found out she had cancer and it was already stage 3. For all this time she has been fighting cancer and at the same time taking care of her H. She never complained, always was cheerful and friendly. Her granddaughter who lives a few hours away is the same age as my youngest and they used to play together whenever she would visit. When I first moved here he helped me so many times teaching me how to fix things. In the last year year her cancer got worse. She lost her hair to the chemo, was on experimental drugs but nothing worked. She never stopped taking care of her husband. Her life was so much about him and her family.

Their R was an inspiration to me. She could easily have said that she was too sick to take care of him, become tired of caring for a man who couldn't do anything for himself but she never wavered. That is what M is supposed to be. That is what love and the promise that they made on the day they got M was really all about. I look at the MLCers here and all I see are a bunch of whiners. They don't know how lucky they were. They complain about S's that have only loved them, not perfectly because no man or woman is perfect but I see on this board a group of people who truly tried to make their M's work. That would have done the same for their S that she did for her H. They are sad, pathetic, broken people who, when you get right down to it, were so blessed to have the lives that they did. They spew on those that loved them making what were really blessed years into some kind of horror show that they had to escape.

I cried this morning for the first time in a long, long time. It may sound weird but to me that couple next door who went through so much, in my eyes were lucky. They have known what love and M are all about. They knew that the other would always be there. They knew the true meaning of the word family. I know that she now waits for him and someday soon he will join her and their love will continue. If only all the WAS's could see the beauty in that.

[braveheart]

Matt, its very obvious that you have a lot on your plate right now. It does seem that when this stuff happens, it kinda piles on you. As far as your STBXW, you are better off not talking to her. Its a waste of time, no matter what you say, how much you can prove, or if its truly the best thing, its not going to matter. They are totally about themselves and you will not be able to change or fix that. IMO, its just easier not to fool with them period, they will just try to drag you into the drama. As far as your other problems are concerned, your job seems like its a no-win situation. Have you considered changing careers? Perhaps now is a good time to think about moving back to where your parents live. A fresh start might be the remedy to all of this. Matt, you are just in a toxic environment right now, I think you need to look at ways to remove yourself from it.

[LiveNow]

Matt, I love your last post. Could not have said it better myself. I wanted that for me and my H, too. Growing old together. Taking care of each other. That IS what it's all about. And even though I have been through this mess, I still believe in it.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this stuff at once. But, I know you can handle it. Keep writing...