[susana4]

The more I think about it, the more angry I get. He didn't even APOLOGISE for bailing on our plans. I know they weren't big plans but he could have at least said "sorry". And even if he spent the morning and afternoon with his mum and went for lunch or whatever, he still could have made it back in time for our plans. It just strikes me as really rude and inconsiderate.

I will go out and stay out, I don't plan on being here when he gets back.

[zew]

Let go of the anger. Shake it off now. Why let it ruin the rest of your day?

Let H worry about rude and inconsiderate. His actions, his loss.

Why are you expecting more from him? Why do you let it bother you when he doesn't make the grade? And that he didn't say "sorry". How long will you give him the power to make you angry?

The man has limitations right now. He may or may not change. Accept that for what it is. The sky is blue. You can be angry about that, or indifferent to it.

Don't go out and stay out for spite. Go out because there is somewhere you want to be, and something there you want to do.

[susana4]

Ok, I've calmed down a little bit from my initial anger. See, this is why we are not supposed to act on initial anger, I guess! lol. Sorry for my ranting posts, I wanted to get the anger out.

I am not so angry now, but I am a little disappointed. After thinking about it more, I totally get why he feels he ought to spend Mother's Day there. Especially since all his brothers are younger and still live at home, and he'd be the only one not there.

BUT I do still find it disrespectful he didn't apologise for bailing on our plans.

Don't over think it. The only thing for you to decide is what YOU need in a marriage, and how soon you need them from him.

Starsky

^^The thing is, right now I can't ask him to meet my needs, can I? So I'm not sure what to do.

I've realised I'm reacting in much the same way I did when we were first dating. (Not saying we are dating, but I guess I mean the uncertainty) I would feel really sure he was "into" me when we were together, and confident he liked me. But as soon as we were apart, the doubts would creep in and then I'd take any and everything to mean he wasn't. I don't know if this is a normal pattern, and I don't know how to break it but I feel like I need to.

I've decided:
I will go out this afternoon as planned for a coffee and shopping.
I will make my nachos
I probably won't go out this evening because I shouldn't go out *just to spite him* and not be here when he gets back.
I will however be mysterious and perhaps let him believe I've been out
I will greet him in a positive way when he gets home (one problem we had was that when I was angry about him coming home late I would be very standoffish and angry and I've tried to correct this with 180s)
I will let him take the lead on talking

I am tempted to say the following to him (after I've greeted him positively and we've maybe had some conversation) but I don't know if this is a bad idea:
"Thanks for letting me know you were staying down there, and I totally appreciate you wanted to stay for Mother's Day. But when you didn't apologise for bailing on our plans for tonight, or tell me when you want your birthday dinner, it made me feel like you didn't respect my time or plans and I was hurt."

[Starsky309]

Let go of the anger. Shake it off now. Why let it ruin the rest of your day?

Let H worry about rude and inconsiderate. His actions, his loss.

Why are you expecting more from him? Why do you let it bother you when he doesn't make the grade? And that he didn't say "sorry". How long will you give him the power to make you angry?

The man has limitations right now. He may or may not change. Accept that for what it is. The sky is blue. You can be angry about that, or indifferent to it.

Don't go out and stay out for spite. Go out because there is somewhere you want to be, and something there you want to do.

[susana4]

Let go of the anger. Shake it off now. Why let it ruin the rest of your day?

Let H worry about rude and inconsiderate. His actions, his loss.

Why are you expecting more from him? Why do you let it bother you when he doesn't make the grade? And that he didn't say "sorry". How long will you give him the power to make you angry?

The man has limitations right now. He may or may not change. Accept that for what it is. The sky is blue. You can be angry about that, or indifferent to it.

Don't go out and stay out for spite. Go out because there is somewhere you want to be, and something there you want to do.

Hi Zew, sorry I didn't see your post when I wrote my last one! I am going to go out and enjoy my day I have got over my initial burst of anger.

I guess I just expect him to be considerate and not rude, because he has been polite throughout our whole sitch, not rude. And he seems to have been drawing closer lately but now i feel like this is a setback. But maybe I am letting expectations get in the way.

I also know I'm not in a position to ask or expect anything of him, but I also feel like if I "let" him be rude to me, aren't I sending the message that his behaviour is acceptable?

[Starsky309]

I also know I'm not in a position to ask or expect anything of him, but I also feel like if I "let" him be rude to me, aren't I sending the message that his behaviour is acceptable?

I agree with you. Who says you can't expect anything of him? Why is his "bar" so low still?

If you need more in a spouse, you should set the bar where you need it to be, for YOU. And then learn how to lovingly communicate it to your husband. He'll either rise to meet it or he won't, but my advice is often different than the others'. Life is too short, and I'm not big on the whole "Oogh! We mustn't spook him!" thing.


Starsky

[Complex]

Thanks Starsky for expressiv well what i just thought.
This is about us Susanas. You also need to figure out in your live where you want to be, what kind of a R you want to have. As married people, of course we have to make sacrifices, we can't have it all, or we will stay alone forever. But set your bar and let a certain standard be fulfilled. Or at least try to think about if H is capable of learning too. You cannot be the only workhorse in your R. He needs to want to work on himself and the R too, with open heart.
Of course it's not black and white but important for your personal happiness.

[susana4]

Thanks Starsky and Complex.

I am going to let him know this is not acceptable. I have been lucky, my H has been very respectful and even kind to me throughout my sitch. But now he has finally crossed a line. I won't be treated rudely or disrespected.

I actually don't think it will spook him, if I can communicate it lovingly and respectfully, and in a non-angry way.

But it doesn't matter if it does, because I won't stand by while someone is rude and disrespectful to me.

[Complex]

Guys like him, me and any other guy in the world need to learn how to respect their women and treat them right. Or they will be the one that's been left until they find a woman that doesn't care/has low standards.
But it's equality and mutual respect that usually leads to a very fulfilling relationship. And before that you need the ability to reflect and understand these things! For some people it takes time to understand that, or bad events in life like in my case. And some will never understand. So we have to make sure we find someone with a decent character.

"People with good intentions make promises. But people with good character keep them!"

[susana4]

Thread's about to lock, new one here:
Susana (9) - I'm tired