Maybell XXXII

[Zues126]

Maybell...I'm there with you. Sometimes I feel like I've gotten to "meh" about my WAW, but I think I'm just really good at repressing anger.

This morning. Sunday morning. My mom came to visit and spent the night last night. We woke up this morning and we had TWO adults taking care of the kids. I was able to read in bed with a cup of coffee for a few minutes. Then we had some adult conversation with the kids joining in and learning from it.

The most important thing in my life was having a partner that I could do this with daily. Instead I see my kids 4 days out of 14 and they get to model themselves after a broken marriage. I feel my WAW has done irreconcilable harm to my life and the life of my children. And if I want to borrow trouble from the future I could speculate that she'll be pregnant again soon, or will be shacking up with a guy with his own kids, etc. At some point I'll probably be in a future M, and we'll have a very goofy family tree with step relatives, etc. We'll make it work, but I am still grieving the loss of the family we had, and I think it is beyond criminal that someone breaks it up.

Yes, the M was bad, but you stick it out. Maybe in 2 years it would've felt different. If your only two alternatives are a bad M and a good M eventually you might make it good, when you throw in a "blow up the family and search for happiness in alcohol, flings, and rediscovery of your life" then your M doesn't have a chance. I went through a MLC when I was 31 and REALLY had trouble sticking to the M, but I sucked it up because I GOT this. I'm devastated that she didn't, with the loss that resulted, and still overcome with anger that she would make that choice. Yes, I contributed to a bad M. But to me that feels like saying I provoked someone that murdered my family. The harm is so disproportionate. I want to grow from my failings, but I did NOT make those choices.

I don't feel that anger often because as you said I don't want to give her that power, so I usually just take a breathe and go back to what I was doing. Yes, I will still be a good dad, I will be a good H to someone. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider WAS's right there with the Nazi's as far as some of the worst people that ever walked the planet.

That means I still have some work to do on myself. That is GOOD. That means that as I work through this and grow as a person, I won't always have to carry this much resentment. I plan on getting some books on forgiveness. I get that it only hurts me. And frankly she is out of my life, so it is up to me what type of energy I want to stew in all day. But I am trying to be more honest about my feelings so I can become better at dealing with them.

If anyone has any good book recommendations for forgiveness and acceptance please send them to us!

And Maybell...you're not alone. Keep making good choices and steering towards acceptance. You'll get there and you can still have a pretty good life in the meantime as well!