KGirl - letting the past go

[KGirl]

Well, I received the draft marital settlement agreement from STBX, and am reviewing it so that it can be submitted. Once submitted, our final hearing can be scheduled, which will be May 4 at the earliest. I'm still really stressed about changing my name back and what that will all involve at work (basically dozens of people knowing that I will have gotten divorced), but hopefully it will be like ripping off a band-aid - painful but quick. Certainly it won't be stretched out over a year+ like this process has been. It's still sad that our 10+ year relationship has been reduced to ten pages of legal-ease. But, at least I will be "free" after that. Not having kids means I can really, truly, never have to talk with him or interact with him again.. which in some ways is sad, but at this point it's hard to imagine being friends with someone in this situation. Because being friends means you'd talk about things like who you're dating, or who you're marrying, or whatever, and to hear he's dating someone or marrying someone however many years down the line would hurt, considering he said he just didn't want to be in a relationship... but that would mean he just didn't want to be in a relationship with ME ("When Harry Met Sally"!!)

In other news... long story short, turns out the guy who I thought rejected my fb request, never got it, so now we are friends and I can oogle his pictures online I like his posts, he's pretty witty, but is dating some girl right now who is really nothing like me (kind of out of my league as I mentioned earlier) I'm not club-hot, and I'm educated, I have opinions, I will tell you how I feel about something. I asked a different guy I met recently about our current governor and he said he didn't really follow politics... that's even a worse answer to me than if you answered opposite of how I feel! Our mutual friend says the cute guy just getting over his last relationship and this person isn't long-term material. I dunno, I just have different values.. if I didn't see something long-term I wouldn't keep going on dates with someone. And, one of the other guy's I've met, gave me his phone number...! I don't know that I'll use it, maybe if he asks me to do something I will, I just don't really find this other guy attractive enough to be interested, but maybe it would be good practice for the whole dating thing (considering the last time I dated was in high school, to the extent of sitting next to someone at lunch..) At the same time, I feel not-very-nice just using someone to practice date when I don't have an interest in them. Maybe I need to join a dating forum instead of a DB forum...

So, I guess I didn't save my M, unless there's some last-minute weird thing that happens, and even then it'd be hard for me to believe it's real. But, I have learned a lot about myself, what to watch for, and what I need to work on. It's always ongoing and will never be complete but I like to think I have improved somewhat I really counted on STBX for everything and relied on him for my happiness (which left me frequently disappointed), instead of finding my own hobbies, developing relationships with friends and family, etc. Now that I can do that I hope I'll be in a good place for whomever may come next. I also know that I need to be firm about my boundaries and if someone refuses to honor that, then I need to let them go, and not give in and hope they just won't hurt me again. I don't want to be single forever and do want to be re-M, when the time is right and the person is right. I'm ambivalent about kids so that will help in not feeling rushed and like time is running out.