I am so glad yesterday is over with. H and I drove together to the wedding reception. I have to admit, I did have an attitude at first and he called me out. So I sat quietly until we got there. Then as we were parking he asked me if I was mad at him and I said no, but I was angry, mad and pi$$ed at the situation. He agreed and said that he was tired of living in limbo. He did tell me that he made a therapy appt but could not get in to see the therapist until April 7th.
He did send me mixed messages during the reception such he gave me a kiss out of nowhere, then pulled back for awhile. Then rested his hand on my leg and then realized it and pulled back. Then when we got home, we were sitting on the couch and at 6 he received a text message. Then I had a sinking feeling. I hate that feeling. He said it was his bank balance, which I knew it was true because he gets his bank balance on his phone every evening at 6. He handed me his phone and asked if I wanted to see it and I said no because it wouldn't do any good if he deleted all of his text messages. He gave me a funny look and put the phone away. Trust me I wanted to look in his phone and I probably should have.
After that, he said that he had to go and gave me a hug and said that he enjoyed himself. And that was it for the night.
But I have been doing a lot of thinking. Can I really live the rest of my life being suspicious every time his phones goes off? That is a terrible feeling and I have been living with that feeling since we got married. My question for myself, will I ever trust him at all? At this moment, I don't want to live like this.
He is still blaming me for everything. Will he ever accept responsibility in his behavior such as the cheating.
