I slapped my forehead when reading the exchange. It was the precise opposite of laying down boundaries. It came across as very needy and smothering which makes you come out of it as a Wet Noodle. W: 1 SP:0
I am going to whip out my glitter pink Sharpie and dissect them to aid you in seeing this exchange clearly. Alrighty...let's give it ago. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I decided to stay late last night [at OM's] because you didn't answer when I asked you 'why aren't you talking to me,' and then I stayed overnight because you got upset when I said I was staying late. This is what bothers me-- you told me 'go do what you want' but now you're trying to guilt me for doing it." What?! You talk about the OM with W? This alone puts you in a very weak position. W has a point here: you said ok to her to do whatever she wants to do and then turn around to chatise her for doing exactly that??! What are you? Her father?
[an hour later, at home, I begin the conversation.]
H: You've noticed that every single week we've gone to MC we've been further apart than the week before. It almost seems like a running gag. And now we're not even talking to each other. It is definitely a vicious cycle, but I think we can reverse it. Did you want to do that? You're talking too much here. What's the real point here? Ypu've said nothing about nothing here. What was the real point here?
W: No. Not at this point.
H: (surprised, but unruffled) Oh. Okay. Well then, I thought this would be a rhetorical question, but perhaps it's not: do you want to hurt me?Jiminey Cricket!! You sound like the 97-pound nerd who got sand kicked in his eyes by the school's jock quarterback. Plllffft. Don't show pain or your wounds to a WAW who's sucking face with the OM.
W: No.
H: Do you want me to not be hurt? STFU!! Seriously. Get your balls back.
W: Yes.
H: Okay. This conversation is about how you can avoid hurting me. Ding! Ding! You've got this all wrong. Your pain is in response to the event: your W's A. Of course, she's not going to give up the OM because he's her drug of choice at the moment. The key point here should be this: you are not okay with W's A and living in this type of marriage. Now, I didn't answer your question because I was certain you would not hear my tone of voice over text. I'm lost. What was the question you are referring to here? Once I saw your question, you noticed it took me a long time to answer it. This was because my first thought was "You block yourself behind this curtain in the morning, and then don't write me anything all day, and then stay away all night and overnight besides, and you're asking why *I'm* not talking to *you*?" That was my first thought. But my second thought was no, she was observing something, so let's look at where that came from. And that's where I realized that we've been thinking about this the wrong way. My behavior has seemed inconsistent because we've been thinking about this as needs, wants, and demands. But it's really action and consequence. And if we think of it that way you can see I am being consistent. Blah...blah. Lecturing. And no...you're not being consistent at all.
H: (cont'd) When you spend time with OM, loving OM, I feel abandoned, betrayed, rejected, unwanted, and hurt. This actually made me cringe. Why? You sound so weak...like crying "uncle, uncle!" after a bully had you in a headlock. I feel that you have withdrawn from me. And when I feel that, I withdraw from you, because I recognize that you are the source of my being hurt. Now, whenever I'm busy, I don't notice this hurt, because-- well, because I'm busy. So this past week, knowing you would probably want to be with him, every night I went out and kept myself busy, and it was great fun; but then, every night, I came home and you still weren't here. Which of course forced me to think about where you were. You love to talk because I think you like to listen to yourself. STFU for real!!!
H: (cont'd) And in this past week... on Monday you stayed out past midnight. On Tuesday you didn't talk to me in the morning, and then shut yourself away from the moment we got home until bedtime. On Wednesday you shut yourself in in the morning and then stayed out until after midnight. On Thursday you shut yourself in in the morning and then stayed out until after midnight. On Friday you shut yourself in in the morning and then didn't even come home at all. So I felt terribly hurt, every day; and, in those few short moments when we did interact, I didn't hear any of your thoughts or feelings or experiences, but instead felt demands from you to account for my whereabouts and how I'd spent my time. W: But that's just how people have conversations, asking about each other's day.
H: Yes, I understand that. I am telling you that I felt like I was being attacked. You see, if there had been sharing of thoughts and feelings from you, I would have responded to that. But since nothing was offered to me, this felt more like an interrogation, especially because the week before you'd asked, and I'd tried to answer, but as soon as I mentioned the fact of what I'd been doing you lost interest and stopped listening. More white noise instead of picking up your man card from the floor and started acting like Clint Eastwood who doesn't give chit.
W: But I haven't been telling you what I've been doing with him because I knew it would upset you. Why would she do that?? She fired you as her H.
H: You don't have to. It's enough just to tell me what you're thinking about, or whatever you're feeling right then. I repeaat: Your W fired you as her H and transferred all of her affections to OM. Don't expect a cat to bark.
W: I see.
H: I understand this is frustrating for you, because I am an obstacle to your having what you want from OM.Sheesh...this is a really bad line from a B movie that went straight to a DVD. When you spend time with him, you hurt me. The easiest way around that is to hate me-- Oh that's the kicker: you're telling your own W how she's supposed to think, feel, and speak??!!
W: I don't hate you.
H: Yes. Or to find things that I do wrong, because then you don't have to care. But when you don't care, then we push each other further away. Because when you spend time with him, I feel hurt and abandoned, and I naturally withdraw from you. There you go again with that 97-pound weakling voice.
H: (cont'd) Now here is what I'm telling you about how to avoid hurting me.Ding! Ding! WRONG ANSWER. You cannot order W to act or behave a certain way. That's demanding...not a BOUNDARY. If you schedule your time with him for when I am busy, like my Monday night class, then I will not notice, and I will not feel hurt. If you spend time with him when I am home alone, especially if you stay out until midnight or later, then I will notice, and I will be hurt, and I will naturally withdraw from you. Seriously. you do need a primer on what constitutes a boundary.
W: But what about the other nights? Are you saying I should just sit here doing nothing?
H: Well, I'd be here too, and if we were not shutting each other out, then we could talk and be friendly with each other. Isn't that what you had in mind? Gosh! Where's your man card.
W: (sour face) No! Not at all. I don't want to give you false hope that our marriage is not ending.
H: Yes, I can see that. But I'm not worried about that. I have no illusions. I am just telling you how you can avoid hurting me. You cannot "order" W how to act. It doesn't work that way.
