This morning I left early (W was still at OM's) to go to a 10-mile fast-walk meetup. Blisters notwithstanding, it was a marvelous way to relax-- at its conclusion I felt calm and sane. I then looked at my phone to discover two missed calls and a series of texts from W. The texts said (abridged):
"I decided to stay late last night [at OM's] because you didn't answer when I asked you 'why aren't you talking to me,' and then I stayed overnight because you got upset when I said I was staying late. This is what bothers me-- you told me 'go do what you want' but now you're trying to guilt me for doing it."
[an hour later, at home, I begin the conversation.]
H: You've noticed that every single week we've gone to MC we've been further apart than the week before. It almost seems like a running gag. And now we're not even talking to each other. It is definitely a vicious cycle, but I think we can reverse it. Did you want to do that?
W: No. Not at this point.
H: (surprised, but unruffled) Oh. Okay. Well then, I thought this would be a rhetorical question, but perhaps it's not: do you want to hurt me?
W: No.
H: Do you want me to not be hurt?
W: Yes.
H: Okay. This conversation is about how you can avoid hurting me. Now, I didn't answer your question because I was certain you would not hear my tone of voice over text. Once I saw your question, you noticed it took me a long time to answer it. This was because my first thought was "You block yourself behind this curtain in the morning, and then don't write me anything all day, and then stay away all night and overnight besides, and you're asking why *I'm* not talking to *you*?" That was my first thought. But my second thought was no, she was observing something, so let's look at where that came from. And that's where I realized that we've been thinking about this the wrong way. My behavior has seemed inconsistent because we've been thinking about this as needs, wants, and demands. But it's really action and consequence. And if we think of it that way you can see I am being consistent.
H: (cont'd) When you spend time with OM, loving OM, I feel abandoned, betrayed, rejected, unwanted, and hurt. I feel that you have withdrawn from me. And when I feel that, I withdraw from you, because I recognize that you are the source of my being hurt. Now, whenever I'm busy, I don't notice this hurt, because-- well, because I'm busy. So this past week, knowing you would probably want to be with him, every night I went out and kept myself busy, and it was great fun; but then, every night, I came home and you still weren't here. Which of course forced me to think about where you were.
H: (cont'd) And in this past week... on Monday you stayed out past midnight. On Tuesday you didn't talk to me in the morning, and then shut yourself away from the moment we got home until bedtime. On Wednesday you shut yourself in in the morning and then stayed out until after midnight. On Thursday you shut yourself in in the morning and then stayed out until after midnight. On Friday you shut yourself in in the morning and then didn't even come home at all. So I felt terribly hurt, every day; and, in those few short moments when we did interact, I didn't hear any of your thoughts or feelings or experiences, but instead felt demands from you to account for my whereabouts and how I'd spent my time.
W: But that's just how people have conversations, asking about each other's day.
H: Yes, I understand that. I am telling you that I felt like I was being attacked. You see, if there had been sharing of thoughts and feelings from you, I would have responded to that. But since nothing was offered to me, this felt more like an interrogation, especially because the week before you'd asked, and I'd tried to answer, but as soon as I mentioned the fact of what I'd been doing you lost interest and stopped listening.
W: But I haven't been telling you what I've been doing with him because I knew it would upset you.
H: You don't have to. It's enough just to tell me what you're thinking about, or whatever you're feeling right then.
W: I see.
H: I understand this is frustrating for you, because I am an obstacle to your having what you want from OM. When you spend time with him, you hurt me. The easiest way around that is to hate me--
W: I don't hate you.
H: Yes. Or to find things that I do wrong, because then you don't have to care. But when you don't care, then we push each other further away. Because when you spend time with him, I feel hurt and abandoned, and I naturally withdraw from you.
H: (cont'd) Now here is what I'm telling you about how to avoid hurting me. If you schedule your time with him for when I am busy, like my Monday night class, then I will not notice, and I will not feel hurt. If you spend time with him when I am home alone, especially if you stay out until midnight or later, then I will notice, and I will be hurt, and I will naturally withdraw from you.
W: But what about the other nights? Are you saying I should just sit here doing nothing?
H: Well, I'd be here too, and if we were not shutting each other out, then we could talk and be friendly with each other. Isn't that what you had in mind?
W: (sour face) No! Not at all. I don't want to give you false hope that our marriage is not ending.
H: Yes, I can see that. But I'm not worried about that. I have no illusions. I am just telling you how you can avoid hurting me.
---
This conversation went on a short while after, but not too much longer. The main points had been made. In short order she became very chatty and personable, and shared with me what she had done that morning in her gymnastics class and what had happened that past week at work. She is now actually gone for the evening, and overnight, because of a work-related event; I have not the slightest doubt that, because OM is her co-worker, she will be with him until the wee hours (or later still.. sigh), but I can hope that she will have the presence of mind to maintain some discretion amongst her co-workers and bosses.
