Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Hi v
Sound like you're having fun, I'd go with the eating and drinking dancing a non starter with my leg but hey I'd watch!

Thanks toots ((toots))

A split day today. Last afternoon w dropped s off he finished some Minecraft home Ed work and w had a few coffees. She was quiet but we had a chat on stand up comedy and a few other bits. Once w went s and I went out swimming and grabbed a burger afterwards. Today after breakfast noticed my tablet had hosed itself so we went to tesco who were good enough to swap it for a new one.

Weather and tired s meant we took it fairly easy today been some games, music and fun. Had to take a little time to myself though as I felt extremely emotional and didn't want to drag s into it all just felt like I had a hollow place inside last few days.

Not directly connected to w, I love her, want our m but if no reconciliation is possible I won't throw myself under a bus. Its more I just don't feel like I've been wanted as a person (apart from s) for a very long time and I find it hard to believe I will again right now, just low.

Gal ironically doing well... Yoga starts first week of April so picked up some bits for that today (mat some kit etc) also looking to take a wine tasting evening but the group hasn't confirmed that yet.

So s had a great time with online play with his friends tonight set up Bluetooth so he could chat to friends and he had a great time as did I watching him. Made pizza and salad and actually got the portions right for him finally.

Tucked him up and bft defected to his bed! Hey they're both happy.

Tomorrow meeting w for lunch. Bought a new crimson sweater I really like that I'll be wearing it along with the new black chinos and leather jacket will have s showered hair washed and ready as well. Did offer to pick s up but she said she'll meet us there (cafe is not far from the flat)

Have a card ready for s to write out tomorrow morning and helped him pick some nice Lillys (w loves lillys and s loved their colour) no idea on after lunch. I'm planning on w wanting to take s home without spending any more time with me to be honest I haven't slept well in a week, if that's the case I'm going to bed with a couple of sleeping tablets and my kindle and crashing till monday. If not hey that's an unexpected bonus I'll take it but not expecting it.

Thing resurfaced this week too (not from w just the other info) she's really conflicted and that's becoming obvious but its also becoming obvious that I'm missing adult female company (not just the physical side but that's a factor) friends care and ask me should I be moving on, I answer I am but I'm waiting for w and standing for my m but as time goes on and I get older I wonder is this the right thing to do?

I love w but w hasn't shown thats true in her case for a long time and whilst I know I don't need someone to validate who I am anymore will she ever believe that and will I feel the returned love I obviously want in a relationship?

I worry I'm not sure on the answers to those questions and I'm not sure on the next steps apart from the usual if unsure do nothing but what's been working. So stand I do and warm reciprocal contact and low hassle is the order of the day but its so, so hard right now guys and gal or no gal I'm running low on emotional fuel for the fires..

Thanks for checking in on me though and toots I sincerely hope your contact leads to some where you so deserve to be.

Night all

Edz