Well, we both did some 180s last night and I'm happy with how I handled it.
H got invited out by a friend last night at 11pm, and H asked me permission to go (I don't really get why!). I nearly let my expectations of a quiet night in get the better of me (expectations again!), but I bit my tongue and told him to go. I NEVER would have said yes in the past, I would have let my expectations of how we were going to spend the evening (even if we hadn't discussed or made plans) get in the way. And he NEVER would have even asked, he would have just assumed he "wasn't allowed".
He said something like "it's a bit crazy to go out now but I don't have any reason not to go so I guess I should". I *nearly* got a little lecture-y at that point. But he took it really well actually. I told him my old IC used to always say "don't 'should' on yourself". As soon as it came out of my mouth I was worried he'd take it as lecturing or me telling him what to do but he laughed and said it was a good point, but he thought he'd have a good time and I said I thought he would too and hoped so. Before he left he assured me he would text me on his way home. I woke up this morning to see he texted me at 4:30am (!) saying he was on his way back.
When I got up he was already awake as he was going to meet his dad and stepmum. I asked him how the night was and he just said "eh it was okay". I asked if he had fun and he said "it was alright but I probably shouldn't have gone, I just spent money I don't really have and now I'm really tired because I only slept a few hours. I'm not 19 anymore and I need to stop acting like it." [Omg he learnt his own lesson and I didn't need to 'fix' him or control him or tell him what to do!]
I don't know if it was an offhand comment or if he's actually starting to realise but I got emotional and a little upset and teary thinking about how he's been acting like a 19 year old. So I went into the bedroom to clear my head and within a minute he called after me "Susaaaaaaana, where are you? Aren't we going to talk?"
So I went back out to the living room and he really seemed to want to talk to me and know about my GAL plans so we chatted some more until he had to leave. I felt like I was seeing glimpses of my old H. I know this is going to sound crazy but I feel like he is...softer...to me than he has been the last few months. The way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, it just feels softer.
Just little things. Last night we had takeaway curry and I accidentally ate a chili whole, and he seemed *so* concerned, like genuinely worried that i was in pain, even though it was just from a little chili. Or this morning, I was talking about something I read about a man who was cruel to a dog and I was obviously angry and sad and H immediately reached out and held me.
He just seems softer somehow... Sorry, I probably sound like a nut job!
I'm still thinking about inviting him back to bed like my coach said. It scares me still. I need to turn it over in my head some more until I'm comfortable with it.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
H went for a day trip today to meet his dad and stepmum for her birthday. He was supposed to come back around now.
We hadn't planned anything but I was thinking of seeing if he wanted to get takeaway and watch a movie. Expectations getting me again.
He just texted me to say he's not coming back --
"Sooo...after a few beers I have decided to stay down in XX this weekend with my family. I'll be up Sunday evening. Sorry to mess you up."
I'm trying to remain calm but I'm kind of upset. I'm not just upset about my expectations although that plays into it. But also because even though he's been drawing closer I feel like he's never around at the weekend and I feel like he's avoiding me.
I know I can't react because it would just repeat all our old patterns and would invalidate my 180. But I'm having trouble not being upset
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Hi Susana - sorry to hear that. But, best thing to do?
Reply back - breezy...Thanks for the update - have a good time!
And think to yourself - Ooh, some girly time I just gained. What lovely things shall I do?
Also, read your post from the DB coach too. That was very encouraging - and there will always be little setbacks. Best not to make them any bigger than they are...
Hope you enjoy whatever you end up doing. And thanks for your kind comments on my thread today :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
V - that's not really the case, he actually took the train down to Brighton to meet them but they live near Portsmouth which means he got the train with them back to Portsmouth (and threw away his return ticket from Brighton), so he's going to some expense to go back there with them. After he whinged this morning about how he spent too much last night! (I know, not my business, I just get annoyed hearing his complaints sometimes)
T - you're right, and I did actually get some girly time... I was with a friend when I got his text, and she mentioned wanting to go to the cinema so we decided to go together! Which was nice. You're right about there being some setbacks along the way. I guess I should just see it as a bump in the road, I can't help worrying he's spending so much time away. My coach said she thinks he will "calm down" with that, she did mention before she thought I was doing a good job because she was surprised at how many weekends away he's spent and I've remained really calm and not cared. Perhaps I've just hit my limit finally!
Also a little annoying because tomorrow I'd said I'd make nachos and we could watch the F1 race together but now I don't know when he'll be home or if he still wants dinner and that will impact my plans!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I've drafted my reply, probably the last bit isn't DB but I need to know if he's coming back for dinner and when because I don't want to mess up my day tomorrow:
Hey, sorry I was at the cinema. Ok have a nice time do you still want nachos tomorrow and to watch the f1? Let me know and when you'll be back/when to make them for.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Well, I've sent that and f*** the last line, I've got a busy busy life to live and need to make plans.
I've calmed down a little now, but I am still kind of upset. I know in the grand scheme of things this is not a big deal, and nothing compared to what many people deal with on these boards. I think I've just perhaps hit a limit. Two weekends ago he was away with his uni friends, last weekend he was on his ski trip, now this weekend he's gone to his family's, next weekend I'm probably away (though he doesn't know this yet) and weekend after he's visiting his great aunty. One of the things my DB coach and I spoke about was us not spending time together at the weekend, she said i'd been really patient but she suggested I invite him to do something one weekend. Just feeling a little frustrated because it seems like I'll never have a chance!
It was a problem in our M because he *never* went away for the weekend, and resented me for it, except I didn't realise... Apparently early in our R he said he would like to spend one weekend away per month (with his family or visiting friends) and I said I thought that was too much. I don't really remember this conversation but apparently it stopped him doing it more. Now, I actually think one weekend's reasonable. But this seems like every weekend! It makes me feel like even though he seems to be moving closer, he isn't actually. And I know I'm borrowing trouble from the future here, but this isn't sustainable and I don't see how we could ever work things out (if that were to be a possibility) if he's going to spend every weekend away.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Aaargh!! I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat here because there are some good things in the text below (he replied very quickly to my text and this is the first time in quite awhile we've had a friendly/chatty text where he's asking me stuff, our texts since BD have been mainly 'business' about the house, apart from him texting me to thank me for leftovers at lunch) but he's just replied and it's annoyed me:
H's reply: Okay, I'm not sure, my dad might want to watch it with me. But im not sure when I will get up. Still want the nachos though I'll let you know. Did you enjoy the film? What did you see?
The thing is, one constant argument we had in our M was that I would get annoyed because H could never tell me when he'd be home. Either he'd refuse to give a time, like he did just now, or he'd give a wildly inaccurate time. I would get angry because I couldn't plan dinner or my evening/weekend/whatever, and then he'd get angry I was angry! His rationale is that he might be having a good time and want to stay longer, or he might get bored and want to leave early. My rationale is that I find it very rude when you're doing something for someone or your plans involve someone (e.g. making them dinner) and they won't tell you what time they'll turn up.
Am I being unreasonable here? I really don't know how to deal with this. I mean, he's bailing on our plans to watch f1 which is a bit rude to begin with, but then i'm offering to make him dinner and asking him what time to have it ready for and he can't tell me that?! I just find that really rude!
I know I can't reply in an annoyed way though. Today is truly testing my changes and my 180s! I think I can reply in a lighthearted way but I need to figure out a way around his inability to tell me when he'll be home. And I need to figure out how not to get resentful of that.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
But he took it really well actually. I told him my old IC used to always say "don't 'should' on yourself". As soon as it came out of my mouth I was worried he'd take it as lecturing or me telling him what to do but he laughed and said it was a good point, but he thought he'd have a good time and I said I thought he would too and hoped so. Before he left he assured me he would text me on his way home. I woke up this morning to see he texted me at 4:30am (!) saying he was on his way back. 
[Omg he learnt his own lesson and I didn't need to 'fix' him or control him or tell him what to do!]
so we chatted some more until he had to leave. I felt like I was seeing glimpses of my old H. I know this is going to sound crazy but I feel like he is...softer...to me than he has been the last few months. The way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, it just feels softer. 
and I was obviously angry and sad and H immediately reached out and held me. 
do you still want nachos tomorrow and to watch the f1? Let me know and when you'll be back/when to make them for.