The awakening of me Part 3

[mleigh4]

So I am slow to process things. After last night and having time to think it through, there are a few things I got out of this.

In the past times I had mini blowups, it would feel good after to get it out. This time, IDK, doesn't feel the same. I regret my judgmental statements. I know it's best he is out of the house and I do believe it's good for him to have that space. It's our only chance and I don't want to come across to him like I feel differently. It's the issue of S that sets me off. It's really hard knowing S doesn't want to stay with H and brings out that mama bear in me. But the situation is what it is.....whether I like it or not....and S needs to spend time with dad. I need to work on the frustration I feel and keep my reactions in check.

I did, however, get a few things out of the conversation. The best being that he is working on himself by reading and therapy. I know MLCr's lie, but I don't get the feeling he did. I am surprised he is doing that so soon, I didn't see that happening for a long time.

Also, when talking about a custody schedule and getting nowhere, I suggested that maybe we should sit down and talk with someone to help us sort that out, like a mediator. He immediately said he doesn't want to sit down with anyone, that he wants us to work this out on our own. That surprised me because he was first pushing at divorce, then mediation, so I figured he would jump at that, to get the ball rolling. He also warned me that in mediation, they would most likely say 50/50 and he knows I don't want that. So he feels going that route would not be a good idea.

So I suppose I can see some positives in the talk. It kills me, his statement that he "thinks people just are not happy when married" Like marriage and kids are just a ball and chain. We know A marriage is what you make it. I hope he can figure that out. but at least, I was not getting the blame game. He even said it wasn't my fault, just marriage in general. That is a huge change.

Also at one point he accused me of never wanting him to have his own life and I replied oh yeah, cuz I am such a B. And he said yeah, and I am a big D. I told him no, actually I don't think that, I know what a good person he is, or at least who he used to be. I guess it's a compliment with a sting?

Time to regroup and keep myself busy. H will be dropping the dog off soon. I will be getting myself and S ready to start the shared custody schedule since it seems H is now ready for that. Also didn't see that happening for a while. H keeps me on my toes! As long as I can prepare myself I should be ok. It's important for all of us that they spend time together.