Lorelai: My waking life

[Lorelai]

Got completely and what was probably irrationally angry at H this morning. I have a ton of projects to finish for work today and the plan was for him to come to the house and get the kids or hang out with them there. He called to say his brakes were giving him trouble and he didn't want to wear them down too much so could I bring the kids to his mother's house. I was glad he didn't want to drive if his brakes needed to be checked, but I was annoyed because he mentioned needing his brakes checked earlier in the week and having to bring them to him was going to be a bit of an inconvenience for me. I don't understand why, when he's living comfy cozy at his mom's, only having the kids two or three days a week, no overnights, he can't find time to get his brakes checked. Do you have any IDEA all the things I could get done if my week involved two or three days without the kids? (though I would miss them terribly!) I somehow ended up overwhelming myself trying to get everyone out the door, not taking deep breaths, forgetting all the things I've learned in this process so far, yelling and being grumpy as I was getting the kids ready... and being tearful and sad as I dropped them off with H. I had to go in and use the bathroom and then I sat down for a minute to talk about the schedule, what they had in the diaper bag, etc. and he was just like BYE!

When did I become so repulsive to this man? How did it get this bad? Every dark and horrible thought I've ever had about myself, thoughts I've had inside since childhood when my mom abused me, he now thinks of me. It's hard to hold my head up high and say "That's not who I am" when the person I love and trusted with all my heart says "Yes it is."

I hate him. Back to work. I only have a limited time before I have to get the kids...