Need Help!!!

[errod]

Sandi2 is your story somewhere on these boards. I think if I can read your entire story I might be able to better understand and prepare myself better.

[sandi2]

Sure, I can give you the link. I want you to understand something before you go searching into my archives. It is rare that a WW comes to the DB board. I was in crisis and I did not know where to start my thread. Like many H's I've seen who rather believe their WW is in MLC, I thought that was what was happening to me. However, I had some posters tell me I was too old to be in MLC! I was already embarrassed about my actions at this stage in life, but then I became very self-conscious about it. Anyway, that is why my thread started in the MLC forum.

What I actually started out to tell you, is you will not learn what my H did that saved our M. It is not there. So if that is what you are seeking, you can save yourself many hours of reading. However, if it helps you to have a better glimpse into the mindset of a WW, it is there..........the bad and the ugly.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...410#Post1116410

[PatientMan]

It goes to show that the goods are just to use me. Then I get crushed the next day.

So stop falling for it! How many times are you going to allow yourself to get punched in the face before you put your gloves up?

Reading others' stories is great and I encourage it. But you are fooling yourself if you think a story is your answer. You have been given all the tools you need to get started. Make the decision and START!

No excuses.

-PM

[errod]

Lets just say for a minute W is not having an A, because I still know if she is.

Growing up she was always a nerd did not have any friends never went out or anything..She was attractive her was a bookworm. We went to different schools so she made me happy even though she was a dork. None of my friends new an different.

Now all the sudden because of her job an income and the fact that neither of us have aged. When we go out everyone thinks we are 10 years younger then we are. So now she has a group of girls that follow her all around and tell her how great she is. So she is loving that. Because of the dynamics of the way are relationship were for the last 18 years she does not think she can have both me or them. Well they are her crack right now.

Do you treat this situation the same way you would an affair. Because even though there is no physical contact, she is getting her emotional fix.

I notice this huge pattern now when one lady from a group gets a divorce all the others women follow that persons lead.

I will never understand the women thought process and that is why I am struggling to do or say the right things. I am really scared right now because our contact is going to be minimal now. I don't know if that is a good thing because I won't have the chance to put my foot in my mouth and nature will take over. Or if it is a bad thing because it will be easy to forget me.

Plus the divorce is right around the corner so I don't feel I am be given the gift of time.

[errod]

I am so lost. Everywhere I go I think of my W. I have been reading DR for hours today. I did take a two hour nap. I am worn out. Plus I ran 8 miles today.

After reading DR again today I am wondering if there is still something there and that is why we go up and down everyday. But she is just moving so quick to finalize everything.

Plus I am extremely depressed about her asking me to leave the office. She said seeing me there adds to much stress to her day and she has to work with people so she has to be on her A game.

I just feel like every single thing I worked for has been taken from me marriage, business, being a full time dad, my pets, my dream house.

I am also scared I don't know anything but that life. For more then half my time on this earth it has been me and her. We started off sleeping in an apartment sleeping on the floor with no furniture, eating Ramen noodles. To not even having to think of the value of a dollar. With no help from anyone.

[Fogg]

One last thing is she tells me lies and then gets mad at me. For example Thursday night she told me how tired she was and she was taking a bath and then going to bed. I sent her a text at 9:00 pertaining to our D14. I never brought up her not responding to my text. Well then today when yelling at me she says and you send texts at certain times to make sure I am home. I said we aren't together so why do you have to lie to me. Why can't you just say your going out. It's not like I can stop you. But honesty is very important.

Just from reading this it seems you either 1. did send the text to see if she was there, or 2. sent it but reacted to her acquisitions in a way that still shows you wanted to know.

Either way you are still trying to control her, even if you don't realize it and its very obvious to her. Why tell her she doesn't have to lie to you? Why tell her she can tell you shes going out? You don't need to know if shes going out, not in her mind. You shouldn't be telling her what she can/cant do or think. To her it just appears your still trying to keep some control.

I haven't read through all of your thread, just some but I've noticed a couple instances that appear this way. You might want to speak much less and think about what your saying before you say it. Many times we don't even realize when were pursuing/controlling, but its noticed by the W.

You also really need to work on not telling her you love her, care for her, or anything resembling the above. At this point she doesn't care your feelings toward her, and the sooner you realize that the better off you will be. It's a difficult thing to get in your head, but its really what you need to realize. That doesn't mean she will never care, just not right now. You know you love her, she knows you love her, stop saying it.

[errod]

Fogg so your background is very similar to ours. Together since High School, married 1 year out. We got engaged one month after graduating High School and lived together already part of my senior year.

I do I need to stop showing my emotions. The only way I can do that is as hard as it is going to be is I am going to have to only talk to her when she initiates the call or text.

So if it looks like I am trying to control her still to the rest of the world I must be. That is the major thing she is trying to get away from me for. I need to stop that.

I have to stop trying to control the marriage and hope that we can reconnect. I have to admit I did a lot of damage and it is not going to be easy to get her trust back. Especially with that one friend in her ear all the time telling her to leave me. But there is nothing I can do about that, but hope when push comes to shove I am more important then then friend of a few months.

[Joe46]

Errod, I am not familiar with your situation, but I will read up on it. I am also not a vet. I can see you are struggling with DETACHING. I struggled alot at first. I can tell you it was the best thing I did for myself. I was texting her before about something just to see if she would respond. I also was very attached to our relationship. My wife and I were like best friends and husband and wife. It was quite an adjustment to deal with at first when she stopped communicating anything with me. We used to email each other all day.When she started being cold to me and shutting me out it was tough. Now I can go all day and not wonder if she is going to text or not. I don't sit around wondering what she is doing. You kinda have to fight the urge. Keep busy with anything. I listen to music with my headphones on and fold laundry, do the dishes or clean the house. (wife doesn't do much anymore and I just want to get it done). Watch new movies. Post on here. Anything to keep busy.

[errod]

Posting on here and going to the gym are the two things I have been doing to keep my mind active. That is why I am on here 24x7.

Are relationships were very similar then. My W works Mon- Thurs 8-5. When we were living together we would get up together at 6:30 we would both leave the house at 7 she went to the office, I drove D14 to school. I would then go back to the house, workout, play with the dogs, do some light cleaning, and paperwork. She would call me at least once if not twice everyday in this time period. Then I would go to the office at 11:30 until 2:30. We would eat lunch together and I would do what I need to do there. She would come and say hi to me between every patient and kiss me on the head. At 2:30 I would go get D14 from school. Then go home. I would usually get another phone call from W in that time period. W would get home at 5, and make dinner she said that was her hobby. We sat at the dinner table like a family is suppose to. Then if it was summer we would sit out back all night long. If it was winter we usually would watch TV together. Every night year round we would go out in the Hot Tub around 8:00 for a half hour. So yes we were extremely connected. The only thing that mattered was each other. That is why I am struggling with Detaching. She was truly my Best Friend and my Wife. It is a shock when you lose both of them at the same time. She has not yet gone a full day without texting me. This week will be the first time we will go without seeing each other at least once a day since she told me not to go to the office anymore.

[errod]

Went to the gym at 5 am this morning. My D14 has a fundraiser breakfast this morning at 8 so I had to workout early so I could make it to that. W texted at 6, I did not get until 6:45 due to working out because I usually respond right away. She asked me what my plans were for going to the breakfast. She said she was going to drop D14 and go towards the end to eat. Last night she said she wasn't going at all because no one there likes her. Which is true because she got into a huge argument early in the season with the coach. Point of that argument was correct the way W addressed it was wrong.

A couple minutes after that she texted me saying D14 is sick and going back to bed. I said ok night night and left the conversation like that.

I am watching a little tv now because I am sore, I have been pushing my body to the max because I rather have physical pain than emotional pain. I think I am going to try going to church today. It is very hard for me to do going alone because I hate talking about the situation. But it may be something I need to do to heal.