No. I think I had a meltdown because I read a post that maybe made me a little defensive. My fault! I think I was misunderstood. I was not doing anything to get attention from WW by getting my own cell plan. I wanted it for myself. When wife freaked out about it I expressed to her that I was protecting myself and wanted something for myself( like she wants her own room). When I posted the comments wife was making, I was just sharing. Seeing if it was normal the way she was acting. I did get defensive about the emotional abuse accusation. My mistake! But I can see cat's point on that.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Adult D said she was glad to know what was going on. She said she is sick of hearing all this stuff from her mom and not knowing what is going on so she calls me and I don't tell her anything.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
All DBers get challenged on their behaviours. Personally I find that refreshing and empowering. it helps me confirm the things that I do and helps me correct and adjust.
It is healthy and I welcome it.
Joe can say, I did this well and next time I can make this change. This boundary is enforced and that one can be adjusted.
For example Joes new correction is our house.
Joe can question and think about his strategy for his children. He can adjust how he responds.
Joe, these are BIG issues for you, and you are tackling these by thought and consideration. What is the best with D, may need adjusting for S and the younger children. I wished that I had tackled and understood my boundaries as you have.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/14/1509:35 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you V. I have realized this after reading through the posts again. I felt so good about how I handled everything with the boundary and also her freaking out the past couple days. To be honest, I am not so sure about our marriage right now. I am just hanging in for the kids at the moment. After reading through another one of Sandi's posts, it would take alot to reconcile my marriage right now. I am ver old fashioned about alot of things. Infidelity being a big one. I have no proof of her EA or the other person, if I did things would be alot different. I am concentrating on myself and I would actually like more information from cat04 on her thoughts of things I may have done that could be seen as emotional abuse. Since I am trying to work on myself through this, sometimes I need that 6 x 6!! In the past I would not do much with a boundary except talk and talk and try to get them to see my point. When my wife argued with me, I would get scared she was going to leave and do the big make up thing and cave on my boundary. Or I would just figure the divorce conversation was coming.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Don't see what I am about to say as opposition to some advice by others. I only want to ask you if it changes anything your W is doing?
And please, anyone reading this, I am not advocating any type of abuse. Let me just point out that I have read for years on this very board that no matter what the H did...it did not justify the W having an A. There were times that I wanted to challenge those statements, especially in the early years. I do remember making some pretty tart comments. But anyway, if that is true, then apply it in Joe's situation.
Let's say that the H was emotionally abusive. Let's say he was any type of abusvive. Does that give her a hall pass for verbal prostitution every night, and to sign up for dating sites and join chat rooms for singles? As a LBH so poignantly said years ago on a post to me, why not file for D before deciding to bring someone else into the M? If we start saying that a spouse can conduct themselves in these types of wayward behaviors b/c the jerk they are M to was abusive, we need to be ready for some heavy fallout.
I don't think for a minute that Cat was saying it excused Joe's W. I think maybe Joe took it the wrong way and it threw him into such emotional turmoil that he was ready to throw in the towel. He was so frustrated and second guessing how he responded to his W's actions he didn't know which way to turn but to give up. We see LBS's making mistakes every day, but let's keep our perspective.....and help Joe keep his by getting back to how his actions does not give her a free pass to have an A or sick phone sex.
Okay Joe?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you mean, does what I did(boundary) change anything my wife is doing, no. She is still in her office last night and will be tonight. The blankets are still covering the cracks. I did not expect her to drop it and say " oh honey, I am so sorry. I am done with this job". I did what I did 100% for myself and I felt so good about it that I was not freaking out everytime my wife freaked out the past 2 days.
I completely understand the abuse thing. I kinda wish I did not bring that up now. I was just sharing what she said while she was raging and about to drive off. Actually it was text that had alot of bad spelling! I think it was said because older D did finally talk to her mother that day and said nothing about her job or her as a person. She did tell mom that she was tired of her bringing her in the middle of her problems with me and that she felt mom was acting immature. She told mom that she just needs to sit down and talk with me and she just wants us to work things out.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Don't see what I am about to say as opposition to some advice by others. I only want to ask you if it changes anything your W is doing?
And please, anyone reading this, I am not advocating any type of abuse. Let me just point out that I have read for years on this very board that no matter what the H did...it did not justify the W having an A. There were times that I wanted to challenge those statements, especially in the early years. I do remember making some pretty tart comments. But anyway, if that is true, then apply it in Joe's situation.
Let's say that the H was emotionally abusive. Let's say he was any type of abusvive. Does that give her a hall pass for verbal prostitution every night, and to sign up for dating sites and join chat rooms for singles? As a LBH so poignantly said years ago on a post to me, why not file for D before deciding to bring someone else into the M? If we start saying that a spouse can conduct themselves in these types of wayward behaviors b/c the jerk they are M to was abusive, we need to be ready for some heavy fallout.
I don't think for a minute that Cat was saying it excused Joe's W. I think maybe Joe took it the wrong way and it threw him into such emotional turmoil that he was ready to throw in the towel. He was so frustrated and second guessing how he responded to his W's actions he didn't know which way to turn but to give up. We see LBS's making mistakes every day, but let's keep our perspective.....and help Joe keep his by getting back to how his actions does not give her a free pass to have an A or sick phone sex.
Okay Joe?
I have not denied I have things to work on. But just because I am not happy with my wife right now, doesn't give me the right to seek love elsewhere. My wife has done alot of damage to us financially because of her lies and lack of communication. I have stuck it out even though I have been extremely stressed over it. If I felt our marriage was so terrible, I would file for divorce before finding someone new. It is something I believe in. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
My view mirrors Sandi's. There is no doubt that my H ia abusive and V is still not chasing an A. If needs be then the M will finish with a D and then V (after working and standing for V) may date, Joe you have expressed the same view too.
Joe, there is no way the past can be changed, if Joe examines his heart and his behaviour and find he wants and needs change then Joe can do this for Joe.
Stay strong
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
