[susana4]

Well, we both did some 180s last night and I'm happy with how I handled it.

H got invited out by a friend last night at 11pm, and H asked me permission to go (I don't really get why!). I nearly let my expectations of a quiet night in get the better of me (expectations again!), but I bit my tongue and told him to go. I NEVER would have said yes in the past, I would have let my expectations of how we were going to spend the evening (even if we hadn't discussed or made plans) get in the way. And he NEVER would have even asked, he would have just assumed he "wasn't allowed".

He said something like "it's a bit crazy to go out now but I don't have any reason not to go so I guess I should". I *nearly* got a little lecture-y at that point. But he took it really well actually. I told him my old IC used to always say "don't 'should' on yourself". As soon as it came out of my mouth I was worried he'd take it as lecturing or me telling him what to do but he laughed and said it was a good point, but he thought he'd have a good time and I said I thought he would too and hoped so. Before he left he assured me he would text me on his way home. I woke up this morning to see he texted me at 4:30am (!) saying he was on his way back.

When I got up he was already awake as he was going to meet his dad and stepmum. I asked him how the night was and he just said "eh it was okay". I asked if he had fun and he said "it was alright but I probably shouldn't have gone, I just spent money I don't really have and now I'm really tired because I only slept a few hours. I'm not 19 anymore and I need to stop acting like it." [Omg he learnt his own lesson and I didn't need to 'fix' him or control him or tell him what to do!]

I don't know if it was an offhand comment or if he's actually starting to realise but I got emotional and a little upset and teary thinking about how he's been acting like a 19 year old. So I went into the bedroom to clear my head and within a minute he called after me "Susaaaaaaana, where are you? Aren't we going to talk?"

So I went back out to the living room and he really seemed to want to talk to me and know about my GAL plans so we chatted some more until he had to leave. I felt like I was seeing glimpses of my old H. I know this is going to sound crazy but I feel like he is...softer...to me than he has been the last few months. The way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, it just feels softer.

Just little things. Last night we had takeaway curry and I accidentally ate a chili whole, and he seemed *so* concerned, like genuinely worried that i was in pain, even though it was just from a little chili. Or this morning, I was talking about something I read about a man who was cruel to a dog and I was obviously angry and sad and H immediately reached out and held me.

He just seems softer somehow... Sorry, I probably sound like a nut job!

I'm still thinking about inviting him back to bed like my coach said. It scares me still. I need to turn it over in my head some more until I'm comfortable with it.