Thanks Starsky. I agree he's still foggy. And I don't get a sense that he even wants 'us' to try again. Would it be odd to "throw that out there" and start talking about getting together, if he isn't even suggesting we do this?
Things with OW have never been great. She's been on/off/on with OM the whole time. I think H desperately wants that to be different - but it just isn't.
I definitely want to tell him I don't want us to D - but I guess it's how I phrase beyond that.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
What about this? And Starsky, if you feel what you suggest may be too much, what would you downgrade this to?
Dear H, I'm so sorry that you feel your life has run off course. I truly only wish happiness for us both. I understand that you want to simplify your life and don't want to work and live in different places.
What I need to say is that I still love you, and I don't want us to divorce. I hope that our marriage can still be saved.
But there are honestly some things that would need to happen for me to feel safe, comfortable and consider getting back together again. I'm not sure if you're even interested or not, but if you are, we can discuss it. I didn't want the moment to pass without telling you this.
Of course you are free to make your own choices. I respect your wishes, and if you decide to file for divorce, I won't stand in your way.
Toots.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Saw this and thought to myself..."oh boy...there goes another confused WAS." Sorry to read that you've been on the receiving end of his email.
I just got an email from H - various things about legal arrangements all fine. But.. *He's trying to get his life back on track *He needs to resolve what he must to move forward and be happy *He doesn't want to live in two places any more *He isnt good at resolving tough things and can let them build up *He doesn't think it's right for us to formally S and resolve finances without Divorcing *That would create a possible future problem - or at least perception of one *He is as lost now as ever he was in respect of relationships *There is no impending marriage but he just needs to know things are settled properly
Toots' Draft Response
Dear H, I'm so sorry that you feel your life has run off course. I truly only wish happiness for us both. I understand that you want to simplify your life and don't want to work and live in different places.
What I need to say is that I still love you, and I don't want us to divorce. I hope that our marriage can still be saved.
But there are honestly some things that would need to happen for me to feel safe, comfortable and consider getting back together again. I'm not sure if you're even interested or not, but if you are, we can discuss it. I didn't want the moment to pass without telling you this.
Of course you are free to make your own choices. I respect your wishes, and if you decide to file for divorce, I won't stand in your way.
Toots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In my mind, it is fine to validate H...BUT use this opportunity to spell out what H stands to lose by continuing with OW. Not in a big "f-you" way, but with a deft touch.
Thanks so much Starsky and Wonka. It sounds as though we are pretty happy with the validation part of the email:
Dear H, I'm so sorry that you feel your life has run off course. I truly only wish happiness for us both. I understand that you want to simplify your life and don't want to work and live in different places.
I do want to tell H that I don't want us to D, and have re-worked the next part:
Of course you are free to make your own choices. I respect your wishes and if you file for divorce, I won't stand in your way. But divorce isn't what I want. I love you and I hope that we might still be able to save our marriage.
I'm then not sure about how I might spell out what H stands to lose:
You said that you've never been as happy since we were together. It is true that we've loved, cried, laughed and supported each other and SS. We've become a family, and we've grown to love each others' families and friends. I think these are the things that truly matter, and that we both stand to lose. I think in years to come, we will be glad to have fought for that.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
What's your goal here, Toots? To use the boat analogy, are you trying to throw a rope out to his lifeboat in case he wants to pick it up (not realising it's been there all along)? If so, I like the validation paragraph and think the re-phrased paragraph 2 is also good. I would probably leave it there though.
"I hope that we might still be able to..." Does that sound a little needy? Could you give a concrete idea about what a next little step would look like? Saving the marriage might seem like a big stretch for your confused H. In reality what Starsky says is true - dating is probably the first next step (or just re-connecting). I fully get that it is hard to go from real NC to dating (I have the same dilemma as you know) but somehow we have to try to edge things in that direction.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I agree with Starsky's take on him, and tbh I am not sure he is really ready to work on the marriage. He is still blaming the marriage and YOU for his problems in typical wayward talk. I understand that is not what Toots or anyone here really wants. But the ball is still in his court.
Just don't be surprised if this pursuit is rejected.
I agree that he doesn't sound anything like ready to reconcile. I guess the most I can do at this point is not to initiate D and to tell him that D isn't what I want. That may or may not give him some food for thought.
Then it is all on him. If he wants to initiate D, he can. But he will do so in the knowledge that it isn't what I want. I guess that is all I want to achieve at this point.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ok - so the below seems pretty consistent with your goal, I just hesitate a little with that last line in case it triggers the "it would be too much work" reflex in H:
Dear H, I'm so sorry that you feel your life has run off course. I truly only wish happiness for us both. I understand that you want to simplify your life and don't want to work and live in different places.
Of course you are free to make your own choices. I respect your wishes and if you file for divorce, I won't stand in your way. But divorce isn't what I want. I love you and I hope that we might still be able to save our marriage.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Thanks Gan. I agree on that last line. And I don't want to sound needy. I want to feel in five years time that I was happy to send this email. That it was sent from the bottom of my heart.
And I feel more.....warrior princess....I want to be strong, brave and true. Despite what he may feel and do at this point. I want to say that the love we had in our family is what truly matters to me and that I will stand up and be counted for it.
And he can do with that what he may.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
