The awakening of me Part 3

[mleigh4]

Gwen and Matt, thank you so much for your kind words. It's much needed. I see myself making progress on my journey, but I have been having an emotional week.

So, wow, had a bit of a night with H tonight. We had planned on H taking S tonight. H came over about 6:30 to pick S up. S was laying down. He gets constipated sometimes and it takes it's toll on him. So H sits with him and I hear him ask S if he is ready to go. I hear S tell him he doesn't want to stay the night over there. So H asked, tonight or always? S answered always.

Well crap, I see a storm coming. So they talk a little, and H too easily says if you don't come tonight, then how about Monday night? Well, H always sticks to spending time with S on his nights, so my BS radar went off. So H comes to me with this idea. So I say, what's the real thing you want to do tonight? Because I know your decision is about you, not S.

Oh ya, warning, bad DB tactics coming up.

So H insists that S isn't feeling well, and he doesn't want to drag him out, so Monday night works. Then he goes on to say he is ready to set a schedule, Monday nights, Thursday nights, and every other weekend. I tell H I am not ready to be away from him an entire weekend, and that we should talk about that on our own. (Not in front of S) So he says, let's do it now. So we go in the other room and he starts throwing at me that I am using S against him. So I tell him his relationship with S is his to figure out. He tells me that I throw S at him by saying things like this is his choice and his fault he barely sees S. I told him, it is! I continued on that S and I don't want this, that custody back and forth is hard on us and we need to ease into it. I went on a mini spew that all relationships get tough, that you don't rip your family apart, that I am his family, yada yada. Ugh, it all just came out. He started in on his years of feeling like an outsider, so I told him he alienated himself by not ever joining us, we always asked him too! I did not do a good job of validating, I will admit. I didn't blame, but I said it was both of us. I told him it's not fair to blame me for his unhappiness, that he needs to look in the mirror. He said he doesn't blame me, that he just thinks people are not happy when they are married. I finished by saying our problem was that we focused too much on what we were not getting, and not on what we were giving. I then told him I think he should go.

So we returned back to S, with nothing resolved. I grabbed my water and went to my room because I know that most likely did no good at all. I pulled myself together, and in he comes. So he says S will stay home tonight, but can he take dog? I started laughing and said of course. I then told him I don't want to fight and let him know this really isn't a good time to talk to me due to hormones. A light bulb went off and he said ok. He then said that he assumes I think he is out partying and having fun, but he said this has been hard on him too. He said he is not having fun and is doing what he is supposed to, reading, thinking, and went to talk to a therapist. I said ok, was kind of shocked to be honest, but just said ok. He said he just wants to spend time with S. I told him I want that too, that it just makes me feel angry and emotional that I worked so hard to have him, and now I have to learn how to have him part time. I told him it really [censored]. He said he understood.

So we agreed on a partial schedule, still some bugs to work out. We both agreed that we were starving and not expecting the night to go like this. I heated him up a piece of pizza to go, and him and dog left.