So my question is, in your sitch; did you reconcile the things you made up about H to see that they were just lies to support your justification
I have never been one to tell lies, even as a child. I would tell the truth, knowing I would get a spanking for what I did. I hate lies with a passion, and throughout my entire M, I had never told a verbal lie to my H. You know how Starsky says "All cheaters lie"? That would tear me up and I wanted to shout, "Not me! I never lied to my H"! Oh but I was deceitful and covered up the truth, and did things behind his back, and broke his unconditional trust in me, and cheated. So yes, I had joined the rank of liars.
I never verbally lied about my H, however, I did take the truth and give my own negative viewpoint and make him sound a lot worse than he really was........and especially when I was in the A. I left the impression he was worse than he really was. Yes, I did it to justify my own actions and for having the resentment I had toward him. Actually, I had put him down for years whenever I talked about him to a couple of my closest family members. I called it getting it off my chest b/c my H would never talk about our problems "with" me. So, I had been justifying or trying to get emotional support by putting him down as the true bad guy in our MR.
Yes, I had to deal with all those types of feelings and how I had blamed him for everything wrong in our M. I fought it a long time b/c I did not want to apologize for anything, not even the affair! And in fact, I didn't apologize for a long time. I remember telling one poor LBH (who was needing to hear an apology from his WW) that he might as well forget her going to him with an apology for the A. (Starsky nearly blew a fuse. He and I had come to the board about the same time and that was our first encounter with each other. Of course we were from different sides of the fence. )
Over these years I have learned how similar WW's act and even things they say. Whether they tell bold faced lies or give their own negative twist, they all seem to feel they have to paint the LBH to appear as the one who really broke the M down, and that he made her life so terribly unhappy that nobody could blame her for having an affair. ButI knew the truth deep down in my heart. I believe everyone does, unless they have other mental issues. Maybe in some cases, the WW begins to believe her own lies. Either way, it is useless for the H to try to convince her otherwise.
If a couple is going to truly reconcile after an A, she has to feel remorseful and then apologize for the A, and how she hurt her H, and all the lies & unfairness she created. And for some couples, it may not be a one time thing, b/c old feelings tend to resurface and if it is not dealt with appropiately and quickly, it will fester and they will not heal. If they even stay together, their R will not be much more than a sham, and both will live in misery. From all accounts, it takes some WW's a lot longer to do all of this, than other WW's. I personally feel the WW has so much anger toward her H, that that is why piecing is so hard! It takes time to heal all the wrong that was involved before, during, and after an affair.
I hope I answered your question.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
He and I had come to the board about the same time and that was our first encounter with each other. Of course we were from different sides of the fence. )
