So let me ask some advice from you who are reading this.
Getting out and being busy has indeed reminded me that there is life beyond these walls-- and even though I'm not financially independent just yet, I *will* be able to cover the mortgage for some months if D happens now. So I have reason to be fairly fearless.
As has been made evident from the above posts, her immediate reaction to my 180 has been to run directly to OM and now spend every single weeknight with him until late into the night. (And she gets up for work at 5:30.) And I fully expect her to spend, again, two 13-to-15-hour days with him on each of Saturday and Sunday.
This situation has entered "ridiculous" mode. We promised the MC two weeks ago that we would table any talk of D for two months, but this seems excessive. And I know that 180 is supposed to work over weeks, not days, but if we keep heading in this direction she'll just be gone.
Has anyone here dealt with someone so deeply in the fog as this? Is there no action that can be taken except for D? I'm thinking that something drastic is called for, but I'm not sure what else could happen except "stop it or D", to which of course she will answer "Go ahead and file."
"Things usually get much worse before they get better, and he will need to stand taller and stronger. It may take a physical separation before she completely faces the full impact of her reality. The H should not fear a separation, nor try to talk her out of it. He should not help her with any of the process in getting set up in a new place for her."
Yes Sadpand. I have been there. She is at the height of her A and in my case threats, begging, reasoning, was meaningless. I kept wondering how could she be be willingly destroy everything we have built? I feel the deepest sympathy for you. What helped me was just detaching from the whole situation, from her, and putting full effort into myself.
Yes. That's what I'm seeing. I continue to be appalled that they are spending all day every day together, but when I reflect on it the only reasons I have to want to do something about it are anger and pride... that is, feelings. When I ask "what's best for *me*", the smart thing that I need to do is to get a job, and get a life, and detach detach detach. What they are doing is angering me, and it is embarrassing, cruel, and hurtful, but I can rise above it.
Even so, I still want to stop this stupid weekend camping trip idea. That's just too %*&% much.
Someone told me once while I was going through all that, that it will get better. Just keep focusing on yourself and working through all the emotions.
It will get better. When you are in a really dark moment, try to remember that there are people going through the exact same pain and confusion you are. That in this world you are not suffering alone.
It's true! Oh, it's true. One of my absolute favorite of Aesop's fables is that of the rabbits and the frogs. The rabbits are so tired of living their lives in constant fear that they all agree to go drown themselves. But once they reach the riverside, they startle some frogs, who immediately leap into the water. The rabbits realize that however unhappy they may be, at least they're not THAT badly off.
Granted, "this is our hill... and these are our beans," but yes, you're right. It will get better. One way or another, it will get better.
I keep leaving the condo in a highly distracted state of mind-- sometimes forgetting to put on a shirt, or shave, or something else important. Consequently I keep worrying that I'll inadvertently leave this page open on my computer, and she'll see it. Not that that would be the end of the world, but it would certainly accelerate matters.
She sent me this message this afternoon:
"Do you not talk to me anymore because that's your choice or for 'my sake?'"
..says the woman who is almost never at home, and shuts herself behind a curtain to chat with OM when she is.
"When you spend all Monday with OM, and don't come home until after midnight; and then on Tuesday night shut yourself off behind a curtain from the moment you get home until bedtime; and then spend all Wednesday with OM, and don't come home until after midnight; and then spend all Thursday with OM, and don't come home until after midnight; and then spend all Friday with OM, and don't come home until after midnight; and then spend all Saturday with OM, and don't come home until after midnight; and then spend all Sunday with OM, and don't come home until after midnight...
...I feel abandoned, cut off, and disrespected. It is your choice to spend your time that way, and I will not argue with that choice. However, if you continue to spend all your time like this, and shut yourself off while you're here, then I'm going to focus on my own life and on my job hunt."
Hi Sadpand. That sounds a bit weak as a boundary with consequences to me. If I were your W, I would think - great if he focuses on his own life and job hunt - means I can just get on with my A in peace.
I think if you truly want to set a boundary on your W disrespecting your M and home, consequences need to be greater than this...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
