Highway 20 Ride

[AJM]

Yeah ... I am at that point .. do I stand, do I just move on, contrary to what the MLC'r including mine says about the whole "I haven't loved you for XX years" I don't buy it, I just can not think that 24 years together was a fluke. I just do not know, the logic part of my brain thinks I would be far better off without her .... but she still owns my heart, possibly she just might always though I would never tell her that at this point, it hurts just the same.

Well, yeah. I imagine she meant it to "hurt" you. That's how lashing out works, right?

Yeah I recall just past BD ... was 2, then 4, then 10

So now that you have it in perspective, does it jive with your weather map of PMS storms? I suspect so. i.e. you weren't surprised unfortunately.

The idea of a script...Not so sure there is one per se. More like people are somewhat limited in their actions. Somebody once mentioned to me that there's really only about 4 paths they tend to take during this kind of thing. I dunno, but it fits even if the words are so similar you'd think they had a website they traded ideas and stories on!

What you're learning to do is to remove the "buttons" she can push. You are resisting it, but you're doing it because you have to. To not would risk your sanity and beliefs, amigo.

Is it so strange? I don't think so. For the last 8 years or so I've heard much the same. Except it was "I never loved you" v.s. a time period. That after 20 years. I've heard "you're crazy, narcissistic, you should tell your kids you don't love them, etc." I've also heard the opposite from her.

What do I take from that? I take it that although she left, I had to be the one to "leave" the relationship even if I wasn't the one that wanted to. I take it that even though she left me and the kids and remarried a few months later blaming me (of course) and claiming she was "done and moving on" she really had to deal with the divorce. I don't agree with her way of doing it, but it still seems obvious that just as I had to deal with the end of my marriage, so did she. Or does if the latest attempts are any indication

Certainly not a fun experience. But as you've noticed, it could have been worse. Still can. Her issues are driving her to run like her a** is on fire and her head is catching. But at the end of it, these are her reactive choices to whatever the problem is. You didn't break her. You didn't make her choices. You were left to pick up the pieces.

And yes, she did love you. As I recall my ex stating once (not long after telling me she never loved me) "love isn't enough." About the only thing that was truthful in that morass of conflict. It takes commitment and work as well - from both parties.

Its not strange that she cares now or will for years to come. Not to me. People are wired that way from my experience. Except sociopaths. They don't seem to be.

As for always loving her? You can and that's OK. It'll be different than before, right? You may not want to be near her or talk to her, but that's not to say you can't love her differently. Like an old cherished friend from your earlier days that grew apart for whatever reason. Somebody you wish well, but don't talk to daily nor want to.

That comes in time regardless of her actions. That's your task and just because you didn't ask for it, doesn't excuse from it.

I shook my head when you described that, Cali. Her efforts to try and justify her actions are so shallow and conflicting and at odds with who she may have been. Must be tiring for her even more than it is for you

You live in a broken world. People are broken. That's just how it is and others choices do not have to be your fault. Still hurts though, so feel it and deal as you need to according to your beliefs and standards. Rinse. Repeat. Things will work out even if not how you thought they would, right? And if that's true, they may be even better than you'd imagined. Once you let go of what that would look like, you open yourself up to what is planned for you. And that is much better than you know!

AJ