Luke, thank you for your kind words. I want you to know how much I appreciate them.
I want to be careful how I word this as I dont want anyone to misunderstand me.
I wish that I could post to everyone, but, I cant. Everyone has their own way of posting on here. I prefer to post to a few and stick with them.
In order for me to do that, I have to make some kind of connection. I cant define what it is, as it is different with every person. And I dont normally post to men as much.
But I was drawn to you for a number of reasons. Your honesty, your compassion, your willingness to trust the process, your love for your wife and son...to name a few. Along the way I learned of your sense of humor, your faith and your willingness to do the work....even when I hit your pretty hard.
It has been an honor watching you walk this with such dignity and strength.
You have some tough stuff coming up. It will throw you some, Luke. You will be having some things come back around for you. Some things you thought you had put to rest. It wont be as deep or as hard to work through them. But it will be just as important.
No need to make any kind of decisions right now about what you will do in terms of standing or dating. Get through this next part first.
And yea, the timeline thing you purchased...you gotta bad one...just sayin...;)
Yeah ... I am at that point .. do I stand, do I just move on, contrary to what the MLC'r including mine says about the whole "I haven't loved you for XX years" I don't buy it, I just can not think that 24 years together was a fluke. I just do not know, the logic part of my brain thinks I would be far better off without her .... but she still owns my heart, possibly she just might always though I would never tell her that at this point, it hurts just the same.
Whatever it is that I had out there dangling in desperation I am so fortunate that you seen something and decided to stick this out with me. I will forever be in your debt ... along with everyone here ... I am truly blessed.
Well, yesterday W was actually kind of out of sorts ... pretty heavy TM exchange, nothing deep but some joking about S, very talkative to be honest .. I returned serve but kept it reeled in .. no expectations. Went to softball last night and took S with me, W agreed to pick him up from the game. She arrived and we walked down to her... I gave S a hug goodbye told her goodbye and just then some of my team members arrived ... after the game I get my phone and W sent some nasty's .... looks like someone was super jealous. I should have just let it go ... but it kind of pissed me off ... so I told her I did not appreciate the TM , she fired back about me showing S how to respect her. I stopped and did not reply, I really wanted to tell her I was not interested in respect lessons from her considering what she has done the past year ... I realized that was judgmental and anything I would say was just going to fuel it more .. I have changed because I would have never just let something like this go. Made me realize that I need to get over this, its going to take a long time... I have the forever trump card in my head and the anger is not far from that place, but I did not bring it up, I let it go ... baby steps.
Yeah ... I am at that point .. do I stand, do I just move on, contrary to what the MLC'r including mine says about the whole "I haven't loved you for XX years" I don't buy it, I just can not think that 24 years together was a fluke. ...
... after the game I get my phone and W sent some nasty's (TM)...but it kind of pissed me off ... so I told her I did not appreciate the TM , she fired back about me showing S how to respect her. I stopped and did not reply, I really wanted to tell her I was not interested in respect lessons from her considering what she has done the past year ... I realized that was judgmental and anything I would say was just going to fuel it more...
Hi Caliguy, yes my W told me after the BD that she was miserable in our marriage for over 10 years, which sounds similar to what your W said to you. But yes, we remember the good times and also the not-so-good times, but certainly a more clear view of the past. She's trying to justify to herself her actions. Don't let your W's words throw you.
Good job on catching your words to W b/c they were "judgmental". How are you working on yourself so those judgmental thoughts become less frequent? Patience.
Good job on catching your words to W b/c they were "judgmental". How are you working on yourself so those judgmental thoughts become less frequent? Patience.
Its actually been a bit since she has spewed ... and even longer since I have taken any of the bait. I have for the most part limited my judgmental thoughts concerning her, but yeah .. there are a few there still, trying to increase my faith and spiritual awareness has helped .... knowing I am not The One who will judge .. not my place .. I have to remind myself I gave it to Him ... not my monkeys ... not my circus ... rinse ... repeat.
Just to add to it.... my W told me she hasn't loved me and has been "miserable" for "the last 10 years". This is one stright from the MLC script. Like was already pointed out they need to justify their actions. If they didn't, if they actually remembered the love and good times then they wouldn't be able to blame us. Anything to not have to look inward is what they need!
I too have my W trying to tell me how to tell my D15 how to feel about her and deal with her. That's their sand box and you are right to stay out of it. You are doing great. I too have come closer to God in all this. One of the positives from a bad sitch. You're doing great. Keep letting W have what she has said she wants.... to be on her own. Hard for us fixers but you are doing well. You've got this Cali!
My H said he had been unhappy for over 10 years, this was when we had only been married for 9. Definite script to justify their actions and feelings. I am finally getting that they really don't know what is making them unhappy, they really have no one else to blame. Which is why we have to get out of the way and let them figure it out. And IF they find their way back, The hard part is for us to figure out if we can live with the damage they have done.
I enjoy these moments of clarity.
Cali-you did good not taking the bait!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Yeah I recall just past BD ... was 2, then 4, then 10 .... it still makes me shake my head just how much they change. In RCIA class I am still thinking about that woman who lost her husband after 15 years, the pain and grief on her face ... it was impossible not to be moved and not to think .. ok, my W is not dead, there is a chance that part of her still lives in that shell ... just a chance ... but its so hard when there is no closure, or the fact I just do not want there to be. Those damn glimpses, her leaving just enough out there here and there have kept me within arms reach .... and last night .. I may or may not have brushed her off, it was not intentional if I did, ... who knows maybe its a good thing she seen me in a way moving on with my life, seemed to set her off .... not sure. She is divorcing me, she fired me from being her husband, its strange she would even care about that at this point but she does.
Yeah ... I am at that point .. do I stand, do I just move on, contrary to what the MLC'r including mine says about the whole "I haven't loved you for XX years" I don't buy it, I just can not think that 24 years together was a fluke. I just do not know, the logic part of my brain thinks I would be far better off without her .... but she still owns my heart, possibly she just might always though I would never tell her that at this point, it hurts just the same.
Well, yeah. I imagine she meant it to "hurt" you. That's how lashing out works, right?
Quote:
Yeah I recall just past BD ... was 2, then 4, then 10
So now that you have it in perspective, does it jive with your weather map of PMS storms? I suspect so. i.e. you weren't surprised unfortunately.
The idea of a script...Not so sure there is one per se. More like people are somewhat limited in their actions. Somebody once mentioned to me that there's really only about 4 paths they tend to take during this kind of thing. I dunno, but it fits even if the words are so similar you'd think they had a website they traded ideas and stories on!
What you're learning to do is to remove the "buttons" she can push. You are resisting it, but you're doing it because you have to. To not would risk your sanity and beliefs, amigo.
Is it so strange? I don't think so. For the last 8 years or so I've heard much the same. Except it was "I never loved you" v.s. a time period. That after 20 years. I've heard "you're crazy, narcissistic, you should tell your kids you don't love them, etc." I've also heard the opposite from her.
What do I take from that? I take it that although she left, I had to be the one to "leave" the relationship even if I wasn't the one that wanted to. I take it that even though she left me and the kids and remarried a few months later blaming me (of course) and claiming she was "done and moving on" she really had to deal with the divorce. I don't agree with her way of doing it, but it still seems obvious that just as I had to deal with the end of my marriage, so did she. Or does if the latest attempts are any indication
Certainly not a fun experience. But as you've noticed, it could have been worse. Still can. Her issues are driving her to run like her a** is on fire and her head is catching. But at the end of it, these are her reactive choices to whatever the problem is. You didn't break her. You didn't make her choices. You were left to pick up the pieces.
And yes, she did love you. As I recall my ex stating once (not long after telling me she never loved me) "love isn't enough." About the only thing that was truthful in that morass of conflict. It takes commitment and work as well - from both parties.
Its not strange that she cares now or will for years to come. Not to me. People are wired that way from my experience. Except sociopaths. They don't seem to be.
As for always loving her? You can and that's OK. It'll be different than before, right? You may not want to be near her or talk to her, but that's not to say you can't love her differently. Like an old cherished friend from your earlier days that grew apart for whatever reason. Somebody you wish well, but don't talk to daily nor want to.
That comes in time regardless of her actions. That's your task and just because you didn't ask for it, doesn't excuse from it.
I shook my head when you described that, Cali. Her efforts to try and justify her actions are so shallow and conflicting and at odds with who she may have been. Must be tiring for her even more than it is for you
You live in a broken world. People are broken. That's just how it is and others choices do not have to be your fault. Still hurts though, so feel it and deal as you need to according to your beliefs and standards. Rinse. Repeat. Things will work out even if not how you thought they would, right? And if that's true, they may be even better than you'd imagined. Once you let go of what that would look like, you open yourself up to what is planned for you. And that is much better than you know!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hey Luke. When I was in the thick of all of this, I remember thinking that he took so much from me. Not just the money, my 25th wedding anniversary by sleeping with the ow, the future I had dreamed of, but, also my belief in the strength of our love.
And I thought, I am not letting him take one more thing. He couldnt have my memories. He couldnt taint what I knew to be true...that we had loved each other deeply and that we shared some wonderful, amazing times. He could say all day long the we didnt, but, I knew my truth.
Your memories, your love and marriage are all part of your life story. Dont allow her to take those from you.
I know that it is hard when you see glimpses of the girl you love. She is in there, buried deep, surrounded by brokenness and sometimes, who she was seeps out. Its ok, you know, to remember.
Even after all this time, I still sometimes find it hard to understand who he became.
Luke, you are still a little worried about her reactions....stop rolling your eyes! She got angry because she saw you happy and content and engaging with your teammates and it reminded her that she isnt any of that. Not your problem.
