Confused 2

[cat04]

Now she is running off to change her last name. Buy a car!! All because I got my own cell phone plan and stated I don't want to be around her type of work anymore!! WTH???? Last night I felt good because she was going off on me being a bad person and everything else. I did not respond to any of it. I am tired of going back and forth. I decided I was just going to go to bed. The only time I talked to her was when she was taking off to the ER. I felt confident in what I was doing!! Now I am back to feeling guilty for causing this whole mess!!

Joe,

This ^^^, is exactly what I was saying about setting a boundary that you aren’t ready to enforce.

Sometimes, unfortunately, we are so distraught over our S behavior, and it really goes against the grain of what we like or want, that we try to make some sort of change thinking it will…

1. Make us feel better because we finally said our peace.
2. Make them wake up and see the error of their ways.

One of those things happens. At least initially. However when we aren’t prepared to enforce the boundary, meaning that number 2 hasn’t happened, we begin to backtrack in our thoughts and feelings.

The whole problem with it is if you don’t enforce the boundary, she will not take you seriously in the future. So now you are in this Catch 22 situation. You don’t want her to go. You WANT her to quit her job and work on the marriage. She is NOT ready to do that. Someday she may be ready but obviously not right now.

Please know that I am not condoning her work. I also don’t condemn her for it. She is earning a living doing something that is legal. Something that, sadly, there is a market for. The moral judgement, I leave to a higher power.

As far as the kids, I will correct V and say that I am referring to all of the kids.

Adults or not, I don’t believe that they need all of the gory details of anything. It taints their views of their parents, the people who are supposed to guide them in life.

Your D knowing the details of what your W is doing, now has a free pass and can disregard any sort of moral message your W may try to pass on to her.

It’s sort of like taking advice from the priest about drinking when he, himself is an alcoholic. A hard pill to swallow.

Kids, no matter what age, know more than we think. Unless they ask specific questions, the details are not always necessary.

A better response would have been, “I have problems with the type of work she is doing. If you want more information than that, you will need to ask her.”

If your W made the decision to lie, that would be on her.

I don’t doubt that you didn’t intend to be abusive towards your W. I don’t believe that my X intended to be abusive either. The years of criticizing everything that I did, from cleaning to cooking to wearing contacts or glasses, not paying attention to things that were major in my, life like how I was doing in school, because they just weren’t important to him, complaining that I was at work too much and then complaining that I was home too much when I changed my schedule, took it’s toll. Until I believed that nothing I did, no matter what, would ever be right or good enough. However, it was simply him doing the best that he could with the communication tools that he had.

Truth be told, once or twice, and those things wouldn’t have been abusive. Repeated messages of inadequacy started spinning in my head until I questioned everything I did or said or thought. I spent a ton of energy trying to make sure everything was perfect so that he would be happy.

For someone else, that may have had no effect what-so-ever and would not be considered abuse. Like I said it is all in perception. The only way for you to change that is to be more aware of yourself. Working on changing the things about you that you feel are controlling behaviors is a good place to start.

[cat04]

And Joe, read my signature quote and think about what it means to you.

[Joe46]

Cat, I wasn't worried about enforcing my boundary or even questioning enforcing my boundary until I read your post this morning. I have felt good about how I have handled things so far. It is big for me to do what I have done. I have not done anything to try to get her to stop doing anything. I am separating myself from this situation. If she wants to keep doing the job, than fine. But I do not want to be married to someone that does this kind of work and I am tired of being lied to over and over. If she wants to work on things than I am all for it. If not than I am moving on with my life. Thank you for your support.

[Joe46]

I'm just going to get a damn divorce and forget about all this crap!! So much for my big plans of GAL!! I was focused on doing some things that were good for myself no matter what happened, now I have been doing everything wrong and damaged my D by answering her question about what her mother is doing for work that is so upsetting to me!! So glad I came here for advice!! I'm done!!

[Cadet]

I'm just going to get a damn divorce and forget about all this crap!! So much for my big plans of GAL!! I was focused on doing some things that were good for myself no matter what happened, now I have been doing everything wrong and damaged my D by answering her question about what her mother is doing for work that is so upsetting to me!! So glad I came here for advice!! I'm done!!

If that is what you want I am sure that it will happen.

I am not sure that it will solve your problems.

You will just be divorced with the same problems.

So I guess something must have "stung" pretty bad.

What is it?

My guess is that is the thing YOU need to work on!

[cat04]

Joe are you done with the pity party yet?

I come from a personal belief of acting instead of reacting. It serves me much better. I don't always do it well, but I do try.

No one is saying to get a divorce. I don't believe anyone here would ever say that.

However, you have to be prepared for the consequences of actions...

I am afraid that you missed my point. For that, I apologize.

[Joe46]

Now she is running off to change her last name. Buy a car!! All because I got my own cell phone plan and stated I don't want to be around her type of work anymore!! WTH???? Last night I felt good because she was going off on me being a bad person and everything else. I did not respond to any of it. I am tired of going back and forth. I decided I was just going to go to bed. The only time I talked to her was when she was taking off to the ER. I felt confident in what I was doing!! Now I am back to feeling guilty for causing this whole mess!!

I need I need to clarify the first part of this post because it may have been misunderstood. This stuff and emails and texts are misunderstood alot. I was not enforcing my boundary to get a rise out of her or try to get my way. This post was more of a question. I could not believe that just because I stated my boundary and than decided to get my own cell phone plan that now my wife is freaking out about it. I did not think it was like signing divorce papers. It was just something I was doing for myself. The real reason I got my own plan was because I was not sure if she might just take off one day. I was watching out for myself. She acted like she did not want to be in the marriage anymore.

And cat, I did answer my daughter with exactly what you would have said. I answered her for the past 6 month like that.

I also agree with your emotional abuse part. I can see how some of the things that I may have said over and over could make her feel that way. But I was supportive and very positive about alot more during our marriage. I am a slow learner, but I started to see what I was doing. It is hard and it hurts when someone thinks you have emotionally abused them when you thought you were a good husband.

I feel very confused because some people think that the older kids knowing is not a bad thing. Others think it is. If you all could experience what I have dealt with because of these calls, you might be able to understand better. Some sick and bad things have gone on during these calls. I have also been concerned for our safety. What is to stop one of these guys from becoming obsessed with her and trying to find her. Have seen the Dateline thing about this?

[Joe46]

A few things I know I did wrong in the past couple days, accidently saying I did not want this type of work going on in MY house. I know I screwed up saying that. I seem to always say the wrong thing when I am in those situations. It is not MY house, it is our house. It keeps slipping out about the MY house thing. Probably my control issues again!

[Joe46]

I also think the reason I got frustrated today on here is because everyone is telling that as I enforce my boundary that my wife may act out or "spew" and I should not take it personal. It is her being angry at my changes. I wasn't taking anything she said as personal until it was brought up that I am a emotionally abusive person. I did not respond to what she said, I did remember it and actually thought to myself that I need to think about what I have done that would make her feel this way.

[Joe46]

Joe are you done with the pity party yet?

I come from a personal belief of acting instead of reacting. It serves me much better. I don't always do it well, but I do try.

No one is saying to get a divorce. I don't believe anyone here would ever say that.

However, you have to be prepared for the consequences of actions...

I am afraid that you missed my point. For that, I apologize.

Cat, yes I am done with my pity party! I feel much better!

I am prepared for the consequences. I was prepared a few days ago. I sat down and figured out how I would live and about how all this would affect my family. I have been thinking of nothing else through all this mess. I have been posting what my wife has been doing as a result of my enforced boundary because I was checking to see if this is normal. I am also venting. I get concerned when my wife talks about health issues that are going on. I am bad about second guessing myself. Maybe some insecurity issues. I have also dealt with hurts and insults from wife. But I still love her. She does not mean the things she has said. We all have things to work on. No one is perfect.