This need not be the end.

[Barry]

Please help me guys, I'm in such a bad place right now. I hear all of your good advice, I really do. I know it already, because it's exactly what I'd be telling someone if I were reading another sitch. It's 12 weeks today since BD, and I don't feel any better about this though...I'm so tired guys. Tired of being attached to W.

I've been trying to GAL and keep a PMA. I've just had so much to do with sorting the finance issues out, studying up on divorce, spending time with the kids (I realise this is a good thing), and trying to keep a level head at work that the other things I've been doing have all fallen by the wayside. I haven't worked out for a couple of weeks, I've eaten poorly and slept terribly. These are all choices I've made obviously, I could have changed any of them.

I haven't wanted to because I've felt terrible about the fact that my W no longer loves me and that she's lost to me now. She's been part of my life for 22 years. My friend, my lover, my confidant...she's going to love and grow old with someone else now. She's the only girl I've ever loved, and I don't know how to switch it off. I know she has so I don't have a choice, it's move on or torture myself forever.

I've had NC with W for around a week, apart from one text about the kids arrangements if and when I'm able to take her up on this offer. She ignored it.
I slipped up again today though and text'd her asking for her to go for some food with me tonight. She replied a moment ago basically saying no, there's no point and she doesn't want to sit there pretending everything is ok.

I don't either. Everything is NOT ok, in fact everything's ruined now. The trouble is that I feel weak guys, I was just about to text W back begging her to not do this, professions of love, the works. All whilst in floods of tears.

I typed it out...then deleted it.
That's why I'm here, telling you, not her.

Barry.