Don't see how I can win this.

[Underdog]

F,

It's not enough not to post - you have to work on some EMDR techniques to change your overall thought patterns. Imagine yourself with a magnifying glass. Would you rather look at something pleasant or awful? What you focus on expands. Keep that in mind.

Wow, Calibri. I don't care that you are chronologically young. Well, younger than I am. But you have a lot of wisdom in that post.

So, yes, a lot got swept under the carpet, I agree with that, but I swear we were so busy trying to get him up and steady and enrolled in school that it was hard.

I completely understand. While my D18 never had cancer, she was born with a genetic deletion resulting in numerous hospitalizations, epilepsy, she's nonverbal and has intellectual disabilities. Her dad and I went to court this morning to get guardianship, and succeeded. I tell people with vehemence that her issues did not cause the wheels to fall off our marital wagon. They highlighted the cracks in our foundation. The same is true with you.

So, here I am again, working on me while my wife does nothing to work on her. That too makes me feel foolish.

How does this make you feel foolish? You're in charge of your side of the street and she hers. Her circus, her monkeys. What does that have to do with you? You clean up your side of the street and worry about that. Not her. Repeat after me, "Not my circus, not my monkeys".

Does that mean I feel so unlovable that I will put up with someone who lies, and cheats on me?

F, again, what about her actions are about you? She's a flawed human being. From the outside looking in, she runs when she's overwhelmed. She's looking for a magic bullet to make herself feel better. I doubt very seriously that she is out to make you feel like crap - most WASs really don't care to put any effort into examining consequences. They're worried about taking care of themselves at the expense of other important people.

If you feel unlovable, go back to your post about your childhood. It's there, F. You have to deal with THAT in order to heal yourself. I'm not gay, and I bet it was hard as hell to be an adolescent knowing that. But have you ever thought that the spiritual lessons associated with your sexual identity have something to do with self love and acceptance, and learning who you can trust with who you are and how to love others who are sometimes unlovable? Every gay person I know has had to come to peace with some part of themselves that society shuns. I respect your journey.

You are not alone in being marginalized. Nor are you a victim unless you want to be. But who would choose to be one if they had a choice to be proactive and out there?

Long ago, my late gay boss interviewed a physically disabled woman we met through the NSCD. We both really liked her. Until the interview. At that meeting, it became obvious that she had a massive chip on her shoulder. She was angry with the world that she was in a car accident that left her a paraplegic. (She was a skier in the NSCD program, and how we met her.) Okay, so that svcked. Really. Most of us are compassionate people. But dwelling on "why me" is not productive or positive. It's the difference between calling yourself disabled vs. differently abled. At the end of the interview, my former boss told her he wouldn't hire her. She was stunned. I swear her mouth dropped a foot. He told her what I just posted and suggested she get herself into IC to figure out how she could be happier accepting what is. She left. Several years later, she rolled her wheelchair into our office. She thanked him for the wake up call and said she understood that he was right. She had a great job advocating for people with spinal injuries and was much happier after the therapy.

I would suggest that to you. Sometimes bad stuff happens to good people. Sometimes it's the turning point in anyone's life. A game changer. You want a good role model? I'm personal friends of the Shepards. Instead of being stuck in self pity why her gay son was murdered, Judy got off her ass and decided to use this opportunity to work tirelessly for the rights of LGBT people everywhere, and takes it upon herself to travel like a crazy person, speaking wherever she needs to sow the message of love vs. fear and hate.

Choose happiness, F. Choose peace. Choose love. Especially love for yourself. Your W's path is hers. It's about her and her alone. It doesn't mean you don't have behaviors that have contributed to your marital demise. But it means that it has nothing to do with your loveability, attractiveness or worth as a human being.

What a blessing that your children are awesome. Celebrate that. It's enough, right?

Hugs,
Betsey