Sandi, I am falling under the category "nice guy syndrome". I was never good in making my life a priority. I was an angry man but without "balls". I was harmless. Maybe being tougher would be a 180. But can she distinguish between me being angry and me being though? I know I am asking a lot of strange questions, but at the moment I love to read the advice of experienced people because I don't trust my instincts.
Well first, you have to be able to differentiate anger and toughness. If you go on line to read synonyms of "toughness", you will see (interestingly enough) words like "backbone, decisiveness, firmness, courage, nerve, fortitude, grit, perseverance, spunk, moral fiber, guts,purposefulness, spine" and many more. I did not see any words that had the root of "anger". I cross referenced to see if any synonyms of anger had the word toughness. It didn't.
Have you read the book nice guy no more? (I think that's the title.) Believe it or not, Starsky had the nice guy syndrome when he first arrived eight years ago. However, when he decided to man up and get tough with his WW, he did a model job. Today, he is still around to help the folks here, and has the respect of everyone on the board. I have seen him recommend this book to other men and said it was an eye opener for him.
I used to be married to the ultimate nice guy! As a WW, I took advantage of his sweet, nice ways and I disrespected him terribly. He disgusted me and I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. If I can encourage you to drop the nice guy image with your WW and toughen up, I will certainly try. B/c you cannot "nice" your W out of her waywardness. It simply won't work. BTW, we are still M, but he learned not to be such a nice guy.
To answer your question can she distinguish between you being angry and tough, I would say yes, as long as you keep anger out of your voice, attitude, and behavior. However, that is not to say she will respond as if she likes it. Oh nooooo! She has ruled the roost for a long time. She isn't going to give up that control easily. Although she may not like the new toughness while in her WW mode, she will respect it.
The way we women are designed, we cannot love a man until we respect him. To me, that is the biggest difference in what a WW feels toward her AP and true love. B/c many hardly know their AP, much less respect him. What the WW really feels for AP is limerence, which eventually fades.
You have to have respect from your W. You can start by reading that book and making changes in yourself. And, do not allow her to show disrespect toward you. It amazes me the number of men who tell how badly their WW speaks to them, even sarcastically or cursing, made disrespectful references about him to their children, made facial expressions (rolling eyes, etc.), put-downs, or made him the butt of her jokes, and used him as a doormat. A WW needs to be called out for any type of verbal or behavioral disrespect. Take her to a private place (away from the kids, etc.) and get her undivided attention and let her know you will not tolerate it. You don't have a heart-to-heart when you do it, either. You don't sit down to tell her gently that you didn't appreciate what she did. You stand up to her, eyeball to eyeball, and tell her in a very firm tone. No yelling, no cursing, none of that, b/c then it has turned into anger. Keep your voice calm, but firm. Let there be no doubts to your seriousness.
It is how the man approaches and the manner in how he talks to his W that tells her if you are angry or being firm on where you stand.
While on this subject, let me add this also. Since you have waited until now, she is going to see you in an unfavorable light....whatever you do. Even if you aren't doing anything to show anger, she may accuse you. You must feel confident within yourself as far as knowing you handled it right. Then, do not allow her to brainwash you, causing you to doubt yourself. She is wayward, and hardly the measuring stick to gauge how well you did....if you are expecting a positive and immediate response from her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
