Thanks again for your reply. You really got me thinking.
Yes, when our son was receiving chemotherapy for his cancer and she had the EA with an old friend those were very tough days for us. I hoestly thought my son was going to die. After he got out of the hospital, we spent YEARS in physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, hearing aids, everything we told by our doctors to do, we did. It was exhausting to keep up with all of it but we did becuase he was our son and we love him so very much.
So, yes, a lot got swept under the carpet, I agree with that, but I swear we were so busy trying to get him up and steady and enrolled in school that it was hard. We did go to couples therapy but not for her EA, but for my "anger issues". There it is again, anger. I guess my wife is afraid of my reactions. I don't believe she ever dealt with her reason to go outside of the mariage for emotional suppport during a crisis.
Anyway, I continued with therapy, joined a conseling group, did everything I could to become a better person becuase of it, that I had learned how to express myself more appropriately when I was really upset.
Flash forward to now and her AP, when she told me, I was pretty calm, I got sick and had to just lie down while she texted her AP my reactions and what they were going to do next. The next day, we cut our anniverssary short and drove home in the morning. I was devastated. The following Monday I had to leave for a week's work conference in Atlanta. When I got back, she was entrenched into her affair and she leaves in October.
I felt foolish becuase she told me this terrible news on our special day, and she knew I was going out of town for a week so whe would not have to deal with me and the fallout. It just felt so calculated and I was clueless.
So, here I am again, working on me while my wife does nothing to work on her. That too makes me feel foolish. Why do I want to be with someone who clearly does not want to be with me? Does that mean I feel so unlovable that I will put up with someone who lies, and cheats on me?
That is a hard truth to look at as well. Who am I? Why do I have such low self esteem that this happened not once but twice (and probably more times than I knew about). This is not about her, but me and my feelings about me and how I process my feelings. I am pobviously not doing a good job because I feel pretty lost right now.
On the bright side, my S9 has been identified as gifted and is doing well physically. My D6 is a lovely little girl and I am very proud of her work in kindergarten. My family loves me, I have a great job, I have a roof over my head, many many many things to be grateful for. I just have to open my eyes and see it. Does that make sense?
