I assume you are in NC based on your username - if so there is no reason you should have to pay spousal support because in NC that is voided due to adultery. You have the kids the majority of the time, she left the house, she had an affair, you kept the kid's stable in their home. Each of these is a trump card. You are in good shape and shouldnt have to pay her a dime of spousal, and only pay child support if you make vastly more than her, and even then it will be limited.
If I were you I would take the full refund and file under adultery. Shop around for an attorney with experience doing this though. It will cost more up front, but its worth it not having to write her (and her future boyfriends) a check every month for the next 8 years.
Also, if you file you can slip in a 50/50 split on college costs. Probably not something she is thinking about but that could save you $100k easily.
I'm not in NC, just a big basketball fan! Unfortunately in my state, adultery doesn't come into play. Thankfully the kids college costs are already covered (W's grandparents).
W never did respond to my email asking if I needed to save for atty fees. I had a happy hour after work yesterday and had just told the kids I had 'something' after work (It was W's night with the kids). Later, W started texting me for no reason- telling me she was taking the kids shopping, what she had bought, etc. Eventually I responded and the tax refund amount came up. Again, I asked if I needed to save for atty fees and that ended our conversation- she did not respond. I'm saving regardless. I don't *think* she would take me off guard by suddenly filing without giving me the heads up, but who knows at this point.
