Sent W an email earlier asking her to respect my space while I'm gone this weekend and not come into the house (she'll need to pick kids up after school). Not that I have anything to hide, but just don't feel comfortable with her having free access to 'my' home. Anyways, for probably the 4th time, she gave me the 'my feelings have changed, was going to ask you to dinner next week, but all it takes is a rude email from you...' Responded that I was tired of hearing that. If she really felt that way, she'd act on it, not wait for me to give her a reason to change her mind.
So tired of her games. Not falling for them anymore.
Thanks for the post, it's helped me see the other side of where I am at this moment. Reading through what you've learned, I see similar things in my sitch. Slowly but Surely each one of them I see as a step. Now, I realize that I don't want W back if this who she 'is' from this point forward. Also understand the immense changes she would need to do. I see just feeling that way is boosting my confidence and this week, I saw for the first time that she seemed jealous that my attitude and mood is getting better while her's seems to be collapsing.
Best of luck to ya as you move on. Also, keep posting as I'm learning and living vicariously through you in your new experiences.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So after asking W to respect my space and not enter the house while I was out of town, I found out that she did. S12 had to practice his instrument, which was at the house, so she waited inside. And exactly what I knew she'd do, she did- criticize the cleanliness and appearance of the house to the kids. I get it- she was the main caretaker for 13 yrs so she has an interest in how it appears. However, I was headed out of town and knew nobody would be there, so had no reason for it to be spotless upon my departure. It's not like it was trashed. (Unrelated note- weekend trip to the mountains was fun, single girl was sick so didn't go, I'm used to being the 3rd wheel)
What's sad is that even D10 was offended when she told me what W said- 'It's not fair. She has herself, 1 dog and us only 1/3 of the time in her small condo to keep clean. We have a house, 3 animals...' D10 also told me that W mentioned 'us' buying new couches with our tax refund?!
W and I got into it a bit through email after I asked her about entering the house and my confusion on the couches comment. It didn't help when she then knocked my ability to care for a house on my own by offering to help me paint, pick out new rugs, etc. She wants the kids to have '2 nice, clean places they can be proud of.' I politely told her that I could care for a house by myself and that she no longer had the right to criticize how I care for it. Also pointed out that I couldn't afford new couches (among other things that need done to the house) because I was paying all of our shared bills/expenses and had been trying to save money in anticipation of atty fees and spousal support. That essentially ended our conversation, although I did see the next day that she had logged into my credit card account shortly after our discussion= password changed.
Tax refund was deposited to the joint account this morning. I emailed her to let her know and also asked if she was planning on filing (like previously indicated) so that I could budget accordingly. She hasn't responded. She either won't respond or will give a long response on moving forward this being the best for both of us.
I think there are 3 main reasons why I haven't filed myself: 1. Expenses- not only the costs of a D, but also having to split up possessions and providing spousal support. I suppose by paying all the shared bills/expenses, I'm essentially paying support now, but I know there will be a moment anger involved when writing W a check every month.
2. This was her idea. If I file, it says to her that I'm on board with it and no longer does she bear the burden of telling the kids this was her decision. It would almost feel like cleaning up her mess to me.
3. Lastly, I suppose there is still a small part of me that would be willing to consider M/R with W should she take the necessary steps and be willing to put in the work. I know that can happen post D, but just seems like we'd go through a lot of hassle for nothing if that was the case. Even though we remain M with no set end date, I don't consider myself in limbo. I'm content with the situation and happy with my life right now.
I assume you are in NC based on your username - if so there is no reason you should have to pay spousal support because in NC that is voided due to adultery. You have the kids the majority of the time, she left the house, she had an affair, you kept the kid's stable in their home. Each of these is a trump card. You are in good shape and shouldnt have to pay her a dime of spousal, and only pay child support if you make vastly more than her, and even then it will be limited.
If I were you I would take the full refund and file under adultery. Shop around for an attorney with experience doing this though. It will cost more up front, but its worth it not having to write her (and her future boyfriends) a check every month for the next 8 years.
Also, if you file you can slip in a 50/50 split on college costs. Probably not something she is thinking about but that could save you $100k easily.
I assume you are in NC based on your username - if so there is no reason you should have to pay spousal support because in NC that is voided due to adultery. You have the kids the majority of the time, she left the house, she had an affair, you kept the kid's stable in their home. Each of these is a trump card. You are in good shape and shouldnt have to pay her a dime of spousal, and only pay child support if you make vastly more than her, and even then it will be limited.
If I were you I would take the full refund and file under adultery. Shop around for an attorney with experience doing this though. It will cost more up front, but its worth it not having to write her (and her future boyfriends) a check every month for the next 8 years.
Also, if you file you can slip in a 50/50 split on college costs. Probably not something she is thinking about but that could save you $100k easily.
I'm not in NC, just a big basketball fan! Unfortunately in my state, adultery doesn't come into play. Thankfully the kids college costs are already covered (W's grandparents).
W never did respond to my email asking if I needed to save for atty fees. I had a happy hour after work yesterday and had just told the kids I had 'something' after work (It was W's night with the kids). Later, W started texting me for no reason- telling me she was taking the kids shopping, what she had bought, etc. Eventually I responded and the tax refund amount came up. Again, I asked if I needed to save for atty fees and that ended our conversation- she did not respond. I'm saving regardless. I don't *think* she would take me off guard by suddenly filing without giving me the heads up, but who knows at this point.
Oh, I see you are just a Tarheel fan. Well that's where I live and when lawyers think they are too shady........
That's too bad about the no adultery clause. Definitely do your research though (not just laws, precedent and judges tendencies) because even in no-fault I think you have a good case against spousal (she's been out of the house, voluntarily, for a year).
And a word of advice, dont ask her about saving for lawyers again, makes you look pretty weak. Just plan for the worst and hope for the best. There is a "vs" between your names now so you need to act that way.
I think a good play for you is to try to be as cooperative as possible and avoid lawyers but dont agree to spousal or fork over majority custody. Put her in the position that if she wants to fight for either of these, she has to escalate and get a lawyer and make it contentious, which means paying a retainer and you can argue that you both lose out. Most WS are very short-sighted, and her actions over the past year+ prove that she is too. Play the long game and pave her path to the best settlement for you.
I don't have a desire to be nasty about it. Not that I won't stand up for myself/the kids, but any financial strain I put on her only hurts my kids in the long run. I still think we could go the dissolution route as opposed to a contested D.
After finding out W was out clothes shopping for the kids again last night, I worry that she's going to spend all this 'extra' money she received from the tax return and be right back to where she was- barely living paycheck to paycheck. I'd prefer she use it to get caught up on bills (including 1 my name is on and can't do anything about- catch 22 if I pay it myself). This would be THE time to go through the D process, financially speaking, so I'm feeling a bit rushed for a decision. Otherwise, I could start putting that money towards house projects.
I find it interesting that I used to have a good understanding and a willingness to go through all the steps needed to work on a M/R with her, but now I'm not so sure. I think it's a sign of my feelings towards her fading. If she 'came back' today, I'm not sure where we'd even start...she still seems so broken, continues to lie to me, I don't care for a lot of her friends anymore...it would be a challenge.
Never did get a response from W on using her tax refund to file. We haven't had a lot of communication until this past weekend. Went back and forth a few times, but I've discovered that even though she'll hint around it, if I flat out ask her if she's filing, she either doesn't respond or changes the subject. She did tell me that she was car shopping and that her lease is up at the end of May and she doesn't know what she'll do after that.
Our conversation softened after we talked about how we both interpret each other's email/texts as confrontational, even though that's not the intent. Anyways, I asked her if she wanted to join the kids and I to color Easter eggs. She asked about doing dinner as well, so she came over on Mon night for a couple hours. Our interaction was spotless- no signs of anger or bitterness. The kids were in a great mood too (because we were 'family' again?).
I sent her a text yesterday afternoon thanking her for coming over. That it was good to see her and that I thought the kids had fun. She responded (this morning) that she had fun too, but it's still uncomfortable. Responded that I agreed- it feels like old times, but it doesn't. She agreed.
In the past, I would have followed up with asking if she wanted to get together sometime, but I resisted. IF we decide at some point down the road to give it a shot, it's got to go slowly (for both our sakes). If not, I'm ok with that. It's strange how she feels like just another person to me now- not the 'love of my life' she once did. I still may invite her to church with the kids and I this weekend, but I want to see how the next few days go. Now that my anger has diminished these past several mos, I'm slowly discovering that my 'we won't be friends if we D' stance was mainly out of pain and wanting to 'punish' W. Maybe that changes should we actually D?? We don't have to be best friends, but maybe we can be 'cool'...
Wow, almost 5 mos since I last posted. Felt I owed an update to everyone that helped me along this journey...
W and I haven't really communicated much for the past several mos. All our communication is via email and it's usually about the kids' schedules. I just reached a point where I was done trying to converse with her. It wasn't worth the energy/time when I felt like I was the only one trying to salvage our M and even a friendship. She'd tell me she wanted to be friends, but I honestly don't recall one simple 'hey Tarheel, how's it going?' call/text/email in the past 2 yrs. Her attitude really hasn't changed- any hint of R talk and she shuts down or avoids the topic.
I won't go play by play on our interactions over the last several mos, but in short, our cycle continued. We'd start talking about D, then one of us would soften and ask 'what if' type questions, only to by followed by more radio silence. Anyway, we were set to meet up a couple weeks ago to discuss our options, but W rescheduled 3 different times. Mostly at the last minute. We finally met last night. We both agreed that it's a difficult decision to make and that it's hard to say we're 100% 'done'. I eventually got out of her that deep down, she feels like she needs to just end things. She admitted that her delay has been in part to her inability to take action without being 'pushed'. I did my best not to try to sway her decision or change her mind.
I had sent a dissolution finance proposal about a month ago. She's supposed to be reviewing and getting back to me with a timeline, but going by past history, I'm sure I'll need to 'push' her along to take action. I'm not devastated. I'm not angry. I'm mainly disappointed. I told her last night that I don't think we were ever on the same page at the same time about actually trying to save our M. I guess my biggest frustration is that I feel she never did 'try' these past 2 yrs, although I understand she struggled with these feelings way before I was aware of them.
So we'll see what happens these next few weeks- whether she actually pushes forward or it's more of the same. It's still fresh, so I'm not sure if I'll help push or just sit back. Suppose I have no reason to push unless I saw a potential R with someone else....
W wants us to be able to sit together at kids' activities, be able to call each other up with schedule changes, etc, but I told her that was not how I saw it playing out. Right or wrong, I feel that for me to fully move on and heal, I need to stick to only necessary contact with her. Maybe in time that changes, but she hasn't acted like my friend in 2 yrs- why would a D suddenly change that?
As far as my GAL- I'm keeping busy getting together with different groups of friends and doing things I didn't used to do. It's amazing how different my attitude towards others and life in general has become. I don't let emotions control me anymore. I've become so much more confident in myself. I've become a better person. The kids look to me as the 'responsible' parent. I'm much more outgoing and am not shy about approaching women. I have not dated (don't feel it's fair to anyone involved), but I do have a friend who's been wanting to set me up with one of her co workers.
This forum, and all those that provided their input, played a big part in where I am today. For that, I can't thank you guys and gals enough. I learned so much from not only my thread, but others as well. I look back at the Tarheel that first posted and cringe at the things I said and did. Like most newbies, I felt like my world had ended. Things would never get better. I needed to do things my way because only I knew my W. I could 'nice' her back. I was wrong- I wish I would have been more confident and stood up for myself from day 1 (even if I was faking it). In honesty, I think I would have stood a better chance at saving my M. But I've grown, and that's what I've tried to view this as- a growing experience. Thank you to all that read, comment and dedicate your time to helping others! And newbies- it gets better, I promise!
