Thank you for your advice. I will try to focus on the facts. Be patient. I have read DR. I always thought that DB would be just an older version of DR. Just reading your posts helps me to feel better about the situation. It is good to know that other people can relate to this.
Regarding the separation counseling. How should I talk to her about my decision? Should I offer her an explanation for it?
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
In addition :she told me and the counselor that she can not stay in this relationship because otherwise she would remain in the same situation as in her childhood with her schizophrenic mother. She never explained it in detail. She is seeing a therapist every other week. Next week is the next appointment. I am already afraid of the outcome. Usually she comes back totally exhausted and is an emotional wreck.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
I had never heard of separation counseling before, so I looked it up. If you truly want to try to salvage your M - and that is something only you can decide - then separation counseling obviously does not serve your best interests. More likely, it will serve to facilitate your divorce and ease your Ws guilt. (sounds like my former MC, unfortunately).
I am not sure what you should tell her - perhaps a veteran can weigh in - but here is a suggestion: "I am not interested in separation counseling at this time". You don't owe your W any explanations. Just be polite, but firm, that you will no longer be going. If she asks why, just politely tell her that you are no longer interested.
I am not sure if this will push your W more towards D. I would really be interested in what others have to say.
Remember, this is all new to you. Your W had plenty of time to think about divorce and separation.
Yesterday we have spoken about the gift and we agreed to pay for it both. The time together reminded me that most of the time I am the one who solves the problems in our life. I look after the bills, repair stuff, take care of contracts, talk to the landlord and so on. She usually wants me to make decisions. I am not sure if I should still do it all or let her deal with the stuff on her own. She is not good with contracts and money. At the moment she plans to sign a contract for dance lessons for D14. But she is on a tight budget. Due to the fact that it is her signature on the contract, it is not my business. But should I still give her my opinion on it? She just can not afford any more contracts.
Last edited by koalada; 03/13/1508:07 AM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
First of all, you need to know that your W is living in a complete fantasy. I would not be surprised if this was how she mentally escaped her terrible ordeal in her childhood. A person who can't physically remove themselves can escape into their own dreamworlds.
Not only is your M in crisis, but you and your W, individually, have been in emotional crisis for a long time. She finds this man over the Internet and he says all the right words that make her feel young, beautiful, and desirable. Coming from a man who is not her H, and who has no obligation to tell her these things......is quite the sexual turn on. It also gives her an energy to get through the day, and it gives her something to look forward to......which is her next contact from OM, b/c she knows how good he makes her feel. Naturally, her fantasy talent shifts into overdrive and she's lost in this entire realm of what she wants to see in him and how wonderful her life will be once she is free from you.
She wants to escape from her reality, and you certainly are a huge factor. She will separate issues into two main categories, that being all negative feelings & problems go in the LBH box, and all hope for the future and other positive things go in the OM box.
She can't identify OM with her past hurts, the burdens of M life, or any negative realities. Therefore, all her negative thoughts and feelings are directed toward the H. He gets the worse side of her. She saves her best side for OM.
She convinces herself that she must be in love with the OM b/c of how she feels whenever he gives her special attention. For a WW, it is all about her feelings. She will operate from those feelings, separating into the two categories. Bad stuff = H; Good stuff = OM.
No amount of MC is going to help her as long as she resides in the fantasy. You are wasting money paying to get help for her or the M, at this point. Her mindset has changed.
At the moment, you need to provide more reality for her. She needs to experience being responsible for bills. You need to stop assisting her financially or doing her laundry, cooking for her, taking care of her car, and other acts of service. That's not to say you stop doing things for the kids, but don't do EVERYTHING as a way of easing her burden. Know what I mean?
More reality needs to burst the fantasy bubble for both your W and her OM. This can happen without you ever confronting him. As she gets more frustrated with reality and sees she cannot turn to you for support, she will begin to add pressure to OM. He may play along for a while, but at some point I think he will begin to backpedal. A woman with three kids? Hey, he can easily find another vulnerable on line.....so off he goes.
I would advise against separation counseling. If you need to separate, just do it. I think the counseling may not be in your favor.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for putting things into perspective. She always loved romantic novels (the cheap ones with a passionate couple on the cover. At least that's how they look here in Germany.) I have not met her romantic needs... At least not all the time. Right now I am afraid that me drawing back the support will make here angry. And her being angry, could that help? She can be very stubborn and I guess she would contact a lawyer to find out about her rights. I have already done this. My colleague is responsible for dealing with fathers who are not willing to pay for the kids. She adviced me and gave me all the necessary informations. I don't want to open pandoras box and make things worse.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
Bottom line. Do what is in your best interests right now. You don't have a reliable or clear-thinking partner right now. You can't control what she is going to do. Stop worrying about whether something will make her angrier or not. Your M is in big trouble right now regardless. Start working on the things you can change - namely yourself. My W wants D and she wants it done in the cheapest most expedient fashion. And there is nothing I can do to stop her. The only thing I can do is work on being the best "me" that I can be and protect my interests. Whatever happens, I know that I took the high road. I am letting my W make her huge mistake and giving her that freedom. The hard part is accepting it. You can never make things worse by protecting yourself. Remember, SHE is responsible for her own actions. You cannot be.
Right now I am afraid that me drawing back the support will make here angry.
You have expressed the fear most of the newcomer LBH's have. They don't want to make her angry, and they are afraid pulling back will push her away. To be very clear about my referring to "support", I do not mean you are not to pay child support. You take care of your children! I am referring to other things for her that does not fall under child support. Mainly, I am talking about emotional and/or physical support while she is in this EA, and especially while living under the same roof.
You can't walk on egg shells, afraid of setting off her anger. She is going to be angry at you.....even if she has to create something to be angry about. That's what WW's do! You will be the bad guy in her eyes, regardless of how hard you try to do everything to please her. Women have an acute sense to a man who buckles under fear of her wrath. Guess what? It makes her act much worse toward him. However, she will respect a man who stands up to her and is not afraid of how angry she gets. We women are attracted to confident men. We may get mad and the man may never know, that secretly, we were drawn to his male confidence.
Actually, pulling away from her is the best thing you can do at this time. She probably did crave romance, but she doesn't want it from "you" right now. Trying to pursue that route, will only set you back. I can speak from experience, and I read those books, too. Some people may laugh at it and think it's nonsense, but it can lead to more complicated emotions in the woman when she feels starved for passion. When some OM comes along and says something to cause that fluttering in her, her entire body wants to respond. The foundation is already there, waiting for the right moment for OM to seize. This OM is giving your W the emotional passion she wants, and maybe more. He is fulfilling part of her needs, and you are fulfilling the other needs (such as the comforts of home, food, clothes, etc.) She gets needs met from both men.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
RAI isn't this in conflict with the LRT? To be a man my wife enjoys spending time with? I have read about the wayward wife and the approach seems to be tougher than the LRT. And I have no idea if she has still contact with the OM. I will think about your ideas for a few days. Right now I am not in a hurry.
I try to take care of myself. I live in the house of my PIL. They have moved in a flat that is designed for disabled people. My MIL will need visits from a care-service one day. So this is the next big thing for my W to think about. She is the only child who can look after them.
In the house I have everything I need. I have plenty of time, work hard in the garden, I am riding the bike everyday, I watch movies, read books and learn new songs on the guitar. I really miss the children. Most of the best contact happened during the everyday life. Talking while shopping, small talk at the meals and many hugs during the day.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
Sandi, I am falling under the category "nice guy syndrome". I was never good in making my life a priority. I was an angry man but without "balls". I was harmless. Maybe being tougher would be a 180. But can she distinguish between me being angry and me being though? I know I am asking a lot of strange questions, but at the moment I love to read the advice of experienced people because I don't trust my instincts.
Last edited by koalada; 03/13/1503:18 PM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
