[susana4]

Thanks guys for your comments yesterday when I was feeling down. My PMA is much improved.

I did crack and end up ML to H though.

I met a my 'DB GF' for a drink last night. She doesn't actually know anything about DB, I haven't told her and she's never heard of it as far as I'm aware but her advice from the beginning of my sitch has pretty much been spot-on what DB would say to do. She just intuitively gets DB. I generally try to avoid discussing my sitch with friends A. I don't want to spend all my time talking about my sitch and B. because most disagree with me DBing and think I should just chuck him out and go for D. But since I don't see DB GF often and since I wanted to get her take we spoke about my sitch and I think it was just what I needed. She told me all the same things as you guys and my coach but it was nice to hear it again, in person.

NOPE this is not about YOU.

It is all on HIM.

You didnt break him and cant fix him.

So clean up your side of the street and keep moving forward,
nothing else I can say.

This is basically what she said. She said "look, all you can do is live your life. If at some point it becomes too much and you can't take it any more, then you might have to walk away, and we'll talk. But for now, just know he is spouting nonsense. Don't even think of him as human, horrible as that sounds. Don't try and make sense of this because it doesn't make sense. You'll waste your time. And you can't fix his problems, he needs to work out how to do that." She also said maybe this is karma for being impatient and a control freak and overthinking things. Ha! I said I'd rather think of it as a lesson from the universe in how to be more patient and stop overthinking.

She suggested trying to look on the positive side (though she admitted she wouldn't be able to do this herself) and think about the good parts - like I get to ML and have the bed all to myself and not have to tell H where I'm going or what I'm doing).

I also had a bit of a realisation about part of my sitch. DB GF and i were discussing whether H has fear of abandonment as my DB coach posited, and thus ran away because he was scared I would leave him, and then it hit me. For a few months prior to BD, H and I were discussing moving to Barcelona. We even went there for a weekend to look at different neighbourhoods. But at the last minute, he started freaking out, and saying he wasn't sure if he could do it. He was too attached to his job and wasn't sure he could move so far from his family and friends and he was scared, he said "maybe I'm just a big baby". I was a b!tch guys, I was, I was so angry because I felt like he was getting in the way of my dreams of travelling, and I told him he was being a wuss. Anyway, when he dropped the bomb, he told me "I wanted to tell you now so you didn't base the decision of your visa on me, so that you can move to another country if you want to, and I wouldn't be hindering you". I asked him a couple of weeks later if BD was related to or brought on by the issue of moving to Spain (I thought he hadn't liked the arguing, and apologised for starting such a big fight over it) but he said no, absolutely not. But he said "I did feel like I didn't love you enough, because you were willing to stay here for me, and i was not willing to move to another country for you." At this point I was still trying to use logic with him, and said "yes but making a massive change like a move is completely different to staying the same and not changing so I don't think it compares". It didn't hit me until last night, maybe the fight about Barcelona triggered his fear of abandonment, could he have thought I was going to leave him and move to Spain?

...

So, after I came home last night from my drinks with DB GF, the sexual tension was so thick you couldn't even cut through it with a knife. It was like 3 days of built up sexual tension and Vanilla, I was weak of the flesh this time. H and I made dinner and talked a lot (he was extremely chatty) and then we basically spent 10 minutes just sitting there and complimenting each other, lol, me telling him he's more attractive than his brother (he was being really down on himself and comparing) and him telling me I'm so beautiful and I'm more gorgeous than my DB GF (because I was being down on myself). (Lies, she's absolutely stunning, but i'll take it!) We ate and he suggested watching TV and we got snuggled up on the sofa together but within a minute of the show starting we were kissing and then one thing led to another.

ML was very tender but still passionate this time. He said he wanted to kiss every inch of me, so I said yes. I found it curious how he kept saying "I love X, I love Y", I don't want to read into it but about 80% of what he said to me in bed involved him saying he loved something (this is not what he normally used to say in the past, or at least not that much). In general he keeps saying he loves things about me (but not saying he loves me) - "I love living with you" "I love your cooking" etc. Trying not to read anything into it but I have noticed he is saying that a lot. As soon as we finished ML he said "here, come give me a hug" and pulled me into a cuddle. He stayed the night in the MBR (he didn't ask this time) and pulled me into him so we were spooning when we went to sleep. No awkwardness this morning - although I did think when I woke up and he wasn't in bed that he'd left in the night but then vaguely remembered his alarm going off. He told me his alarm normally goes off for 15 minutes (he keeps hitting snooze) before he gets up to work out but he didn't want to disturb me so he got up after the first time it went off. He was pretty flirty and hugging me a lot before he left for work. The way he was acting this morning did feel like old times, which led me to having a dream during my nap about H and life pre-BD...ugh!


Thank you again to everyone for your comments yesterday and today. So much food for thought!! I have been thinking far too much so far this morning though, and basically written a novel here in my last few posts, so now I'm going to a coffee shop to get some work done. Will have a relaxing night in tonight I think and just do a face mask and watch some tV, but tomorrow off to GAL with belly dancing class in the morning and possibly a movie in the evening.