[susana4]

I think all humans have the same feelings, and believe we need to separate feelings from thoughts and actions. I used to confuse the two, as biological chemical bags both men and women are influenced by feelings. Women have more oestrogen and progesterone and generally men more testosterone. Many hormonal and biological differences, are not that significant, so I concern myself with locking into gender bias on most issues. Although some posters disagree strongly, I sense despite gender, age, race, etc as humans we are more biologically alike than different especially with emotions and feelings.

I explain it to myself as is if it is an old fashioned amplifier with sliders and each slider is a hormone, settings from soft to loud. Each hormone at that point is from 0-10, although it changes. When we are upset certain hormones move from 3 to 10 on the scale and we get uncomfortable. So in many ways I agree with gogo, H is having the feelings but the speakers may not be connected properly.

Perhaps H may respond to open questions with warm validation? He may need (a chance to change his tape) time out before he can answer you properly. Then just a "that's interesting" comment without judgement in response. I see my bestie who is a supremo do this with her very closed spouse, after a while he sings to the music with gusto. Try a 180, if what you do is giving inconsistent results try something different, or perhaps see what H does as just H and it's ok. Can your needs be met in a different way perhaps? is this something that you could or have done?

V

Sorry fat finger again so posted far too soon.

I agree with Starsky, that if you are fundamentally ok being at your core who you are, and if you are happy with you then it is adjustment or fine tuning that is needed to get the best from your R. Changing you to make your M work when Susan is Susan is likely to make Susan inauthentic to herself. It is possible that all that is needed is new technique rather than new belief ( if that makes sense). Tools that will help two ok individuals fit better, we allow people these choices in the work environment, and we apply and teach remedial soft and hard skills. Especially with individuals new to their posts but I for one expected to be absolute perfect 100% of the time, I would not ask that of myself at work so why in my R do I do this?

This journey can be about new tools in the tool box.

V

Hi V, thanks for that, very thought-provoking insight about the amplifier. That really makes sense, H is having the feelings but the speakers may not be connected properly.

He has always had some trouble expressing his feelings, sounds like your bestie's H. I am interested in how she gets him to open up, wish I could observe her! I read some really good al turtle stuff which has changed the way I see and I think how I interact with H recently, I try to observe now when he's getting uncomfortable and halt the conversation and allow him time out. The judgement thing - gosh, I realise now how judgmental I've been in the past! I didn't really realise it until recently, because I don't ever say my judgements out loud (I just think them) and my friends always tell me how non-judgmental I am. But H can see them in my eyes. Again, some al turtle stuff I found on icebergs has really helped me be less judgemental. I still have work to do but i'm working on it.

I think that's a good point about tools and fine tuning. I am mostly happy with Susana, at my core Susana is great. But she could do with some fine tuning and definitely some new tools. I wish we all had an induction/training sessions at the start of a marriage like at work! One tool I could really use is getting H to open up. I fear in the past I may have come across as pushy to get him to talk (perhaps this is here the smothering comes in Starsky).

I did discuss in my last coaching call open questions but I struggled with making them sound not rehearsed, the ones my coach suggested sounded too structured to me- "How are you feeling, H?" "It's been awhile since we've had a chance to sit down and talk [he had been on holiday], is there anything you want to share?" "What experiences recently have made you happy? Not happy?"

Can your needs be met in a different way perhaps? is this something that you could or have done?
I think my primary LL are PT (being met at the moment with ML), WOA (being met) and QT which is where I struggle, since we aren't spending that much time together and quality conversation is important to me but H can be closed. Maybe it's a case of approaching conversation in a different way, with open questions like you said, or of understanding H differently (like we're speaking a different language).