[susana4]

Susana

I think that rants are good, it gets out what is inside of you in a controlled way. Way better than unloading on you H.

Thanks for your reply, gogofo. I really appreciate your perspective because it sounds like you and my H have some things in common!

Yes, that's what my coach told me, she said to write everything down. I used to journal a lot when I was younger but haven't lately, but I think she is right. i feel a lot better after ranting in writing, haha.

In your rant your description of some issues were again things I had done. I was scared to argue, I didn't like it. I gave up hobbies, time with friends. I over committed to the M and spent too much time with my W.

I never got resentful about it, but I think in looking back that it made me sad.

I could see why it would make you sad. I feel sad that my H gave things up, I didn't realise he was and I didn't want him to.

I don't see some of the things you husband said as negative. Remember he speaks a different language than you. Have you read that book about venus and mars? It could be a good insight to you. Men don't use the same word choices that women use.

I have read it and it gave me a lot of insights, I realised a lot of the time when H and I argued it was because of mars/venus communication issues. But I still don't always "get" what he's saying - perhaps I need an M/V dictionary? Do they sell those? Maybe i should give the book another read.

I am also biased against a man's ability to properly express his feelings. We are not brought up sharing feelings, we talk about actions. I would say when he compliments loving living with you and compliments you directly, I interpret these as loving phrases. I think men are dense when trying to understand feelings. I think it takes men a LONG time to understand how they feel deep down. We are not taught how to do that and are even taught how NOT to do it when we grow up.

Do his actions feel loving? Men tend to get physical then emotionally connected while women do the opposite.

That makes sense (about men not being brought up to express feelings).

Yes, I would say his actions feel loving. My friends who know him, even those who are against me standing and have told me to go for D, all say he is still in love with me. But yes, I think his actions are loving, he:
-shows concern for my wellbeing, he gets worried if I get hurt (e.g. if I burn my hand he rushes into the room to hold me), seems genuinely upset if I'm sad and comforts me
-does a lot of acts of service (does my laundry, makes me dinner when I'm out, fixes things around the house etc.) and gives me WOA, compliments me and thanks me (he texts me pretty much every time he has leftovers for lunch to thank me and say how amazing the food was)
-he seems to enjoy spending time with me, going out and doing things, and he always wants to know what's going on in my life
-he keeps me up to date (even though obviously he doesn't need to any more) and tells me when he has plans, who he's going out with and he texts me when he's on his way home
-he wakes me up with a hug every morning and when we go to bed he gives me a hug good night, and he gives me a lot of hugs in between when he wants to thank me for something

And to be honest, this is going to sound crazy perhaps, but when I look into his eyes, he is LOOKING at me with love.

I think your H is stuck in knowing how to deal with a mature relationship.

Is this his first adult R? Is this your first adult R? Mine was. I was a virgin, by choice (not religious) when I got M. I think when one person has not been in an adult R or through a bad R they don't have a good base about how to deal with a R. I know I didn't want to argue because I am non-confrontational by nature and I also would be scared that it meant the end of the R.

Keep up you PMA, from what I see you are doing a great job.

Agreed.

Yes, this is the first serious R for both of us. H had a GF in high school for about a year, and a GF at the end of college and just after for about a year and a half but that was mostly long distance. I have a similar R history. I think he doesn't know how to handle an adult R, and he didn't have a good example as a kid either. And perhaps doesn't understand the challenges that come with all R's. Gogofo, your reasons for not arguing really do sound so similar to my H!

Thank you.