[susana4]

And what is wrong with me that I know how to re-attract him physically, but not in any other way? Why can't I work out how to do it in other ways? And why the f*** do I have such a strong desire to run away, what's wrong with me? That's exactly what I'm condemning him for!

I'm sorry you're struggling, Susana. You do deserve to be happy, and I hope you two can figure this out, because there's all that shared history together, and obviously a great physical attraction, too.

One of the faults I have with DBing (and nearly all of these marital and relationship websites for that matter, not just this one) is that there is this overall bias of "There must have been something wrong with YOU if your husband/wife strayed/walked away." And while many of the times there was, SOMETIMES we really are okay with who we are and you can lose YOURself in trying to jump thru hoops making changes for the wayward/walkaway spouse. After months and sometimes even years of all of this GAL, 180, introspection, "clean up your own side of the street," etc., some betrayed spouses find themselves eventually saying "You know what? I really am okay with me. It was him."

And I think that's OK.

None of us can tell from the other side of the internet and a keyboard what all of your marital dynamics were with your husband. And I'm NOT saying it's NOT you, or at least partially you -- maybe you overthink things, or smother him, or he feels "tested" all the time as I mentioned that one time before, who knows.

But it MIGHT not be you, and I'd hate to see you change JUST to try to get him back, if you're really okay with "you."

That's why we always advise people to work on those criticisms that "sting," that we really know are genuine faults that we have, and do it for OURSELVES. Those are fine. But if there are other parts of you that you're genuinely okay with, and go to the core of who Susana is, then you shouldn't change them just for him.

Food for thought (even tho I know yours was just a rant).


Starsky

Hi Starsky, I appreciate the food for thought. Thanks!

So I've been chewing on this, and mostly I am pretty happy with me. But there are some things I want to change and things I am working on changing - overthinking is a huge one. My friends are *always* telling me I overthink and i know it's an issue. Smothering and testing I'm not as sure about, I'm trying to observe myself and see. I thought being critical was one although when I apologised to H the other night for being over critical he said I wasn't. Argumentativeness is another one I'm working on.

Perhaps it's an issue of patience, too. I know I am impatient (my friend laughed last night saying this is karma), and because I overthink I second guess myself a lot and wonder whether I am on the right path. I suppose I am sat here thinking "I am not that bad, I am actually pretty great, and there isn't that much wrong with me and I've changed/am changing a few minor things, so why?!?!" But I guess you can't measure things in that way. Maybe they aren't that minor.

H has never really criticised me - he has said only a handful of critical things in our entire M. I kind of think (but perhaps this is mindreading) he thinks the problem lies in him and blames himself for everything (his self esteem seems at rock bottom atm). So I guess that's good, because the changes I'm making are for me since I don't even know what his would be, lol.