Confused 2

[Joe46]

Sandi needs to write a book!! Or just be on call 24/7 so we can just ask her questions!! LOL!!

[Joe46]

And you to V!! You can be available 24/7 also, okay??

[Vanilla]

Joe

I am support, a DB friend still travelling my journey. Sandi is a vet, still travelling but has developed into a truly loving W and a DB advanced thinker. as is the lively Wonka and inspirational Cadet. You can usually check the experience of the poster by the number of posts listed but Starsky (for example) has had several incarnations.

In six months time a newbie called 'no boundaries888' will come along and you can say 'been there and I can help you today, I had this issue and this is what I did and Sandi said. Here is the link'

You will pay it forward. I Post to others on their threads as I learn from this as well and it moves me forward in my thinking. I find just a simple 'I read your post and hope you feel better today ' is really helpful and loving when I am having a tough day.

V

[Joe46]

I guess D called wife today and told her what she thought. Now wife is accusing me of emotional abuse all of our marriage. That no one knows the what she has been through all these years.

[Vanilla]

She will, believe nothing of what she says and only 50% of what she does.

Par for the course in WW.

There are emotionally abused spouses on this board, V is one of them, so if you want to understand what that looks like there are plenty of choices. You might even think of yourself! The term for that is projection, when someone accuses you of the things they are doing themselves. When WW points a finger, four are pointing back.

V

[Joe46]

Thanks V. I know I have made mistakes in our marriage, but was never mean or said things to hurt her on purpose. I am working on my control issues that I had. I made a list of things I know I need to change and work on.

[Vanilla]

Joe

When you say that you are working on your control issues what does that mean to you?

Every one of does does what they believe is right at any given time, even if we have no bad intentions, the things we do and say affect others. So I understand that I am responsible for who I am and the consequences of what I do. intention is a side issue to me, I am learning to think if I do X then Y may happen is that authentic for me?

V

[cat04]

I have been watching all of this, debating whether i should comment or not.

Imo, i feel that you have placed a boundary that you now have to enforce but that you arent emotionally ready to do so. I see you own a few things but i also see you holding onto your anger at your wife and using it as a sword in all of this instead of as a shield. Unfortunately that doesnt often work out well for us.

As far as your W saying she felt emotionally abused...she probably did. Emotiinal abuse is very subjective and individual and can be very different for each person. And it doesnt happen intentionally most of the time. My X is not a mean person. He did not intend to hurt me in any way. He simply behaved in ways he was taught in his life. However, for me, many things became emotionally abusive. So i wouldnt be so quick to dismiss what hour W is feeling. It is HER reality, and to her, it matters.

I also would suggest that you leave your children out of this. Before you damage both your and your W's relationships with them.

Good luck.

[Joe46]

Thank you cat. I see your point. Through this whole situation, I have been sitting here trying to deal with it. Trying to just accept what she is doing for my kids and because I don't want to divorce. I laid in bed many nights saying to myself to just hang on so the kids won't have to deal with this situation. My kids are what I am thinking about. I over heard a call one night that made me sick. It was with someone that liked looking at pictures of young girls. Not 18 or 19. Way younger. The things my wife was saying to this person for money made me sick. I have a 11 year old D upstairs sleeping.

I understand what you are saying about the anger. I am emotionally attached here because I love my family and love the person my wife was before all this started. I am working on enforcing my boundary. But I am not angry toward her. I am frustrated because now she is doing everything to try to hurt me because I enforced my boundary. Basically if I would have just kept my mouth shut and took care of the kids and patted her on the back for doing this job, than there would be no drama. I feel like I am going backwards now.

The only reason I said anything to older D is because she called me because my wife said I kicked her out. D has been talking to me everytime her mom involves her. It is not me involving her, but I have hidden this occupation from D this whole time and allowed wife to portray me as a bad guy. I have just taken it through this whole situation. I have admitted that I have been selfish in our marriage and have things to work on. D says that she has also seen her mom do plenty of things to me also. I am not running away from this marriage, I am the one trying to save it.

[Joe46]

My control issues have been probably out of fear. I have probably tried to control conversations when wife and I argue so I get my point across and I did not see hers as much. I have some control issues with her jobs sometimes. Mostly because she puts them before her family and we never see her. D also commented on this and said the same thing. I did not force her to quit ever. I just said that is was kind of upsetting. In the past I have always tried to make my point of view seen more than hers. I have been selfish by not sharing my truck or throwing a fit when the kids steal snacks from my side of the cabinet. I fully admit I have not showed her as much love as I should have. But I thought I was, but it is my fault for not asking.

This is why I think I should have never gotten involved in a relationship. I don't know what the right thing is to do. Now I am back peddling again. I drove her to take this job and look for attention. I drove her to separate from me. I was feeling so good about myself. Now she is texting me for the keys to the safe so she can get her birth certificate and marriage license and change her name.

Last night she was going to the ER for bleeding because of her kidney. I offered to take her. She said she did not want to bother me since she was a bad person and got chewed out from her daughter this afternoon. Maybe daughter is happy that I am her dad and doesn't want to lose another one. I would never abandon them now anyway.

I struggle with all this so much. I don't know if wife is really having a medical problem or if she is making it to be worse than it actually is. But I m still concerned. But she does this to reel me back in. Once I enforced taking her to the hospital last nigh, she was going to wait and go today. UUUGGG!!!