Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Had a rough afternoon child exchange today. When I went to get the boys my oldest started to cry uncontrollably and kept repeating "I want mommy".

When he started into it my XW thought he was just being difficult and gave him a time out. He kept sobbing all through it and I tried to console him. He just kept repeating it over and over again at a loud volume while crying really hard.

I tried to get his shoes on and so did my XW. She told him that mommy and daddy needed to talk in the other room. She then told me that if I wanted they could stay there tonight as she didn't have to teach and had nothing going on. I just replied, No it is my night to have the kids and I want to be with them.

My oldest kept in it as I loaded the youngest in the truck. When I came back in I had to pull him from my XW's arms and carry him out as he cried for her the whole time. She didn't look at us as it appeared that she was crying.

Wow was I mad at her. I still am right now. I just feel like "see what you have done to our kids and our family! I hope you feel this is worth it to have our son feel this way!" I know, blaming blah blah blah. But I am really upset.

I think her fantasy that everything is going to be okay and look how cool it is that you have two houses may have got a reality check today. I also hope it hurt her to the core, she deserves to feel the pain of the situation.

Am I feeling vindictive, yes. Did I say or do anything to rub it in her face, no. This is her cross to bare and she can do it alone.

There was no way I was going to give up my night with my boys. I know she didn't want to deal with the fact that our oldest was upset and wanted him to get his way, but this is not how our family works anymore. We are divorced and this is what happens with divorced families and kids. It svcks and it hurts, but this is the reality.

I should have been more upset when he was crying when we left, but I was so mad at the situation that his crying just made me more upset. Once at my house he continued to cry and wail and repeat I want mommy for about 25 minutes straight while I held him and rubbed his back and told him I love him.

I have empathy for him now, but not for her. She deserves to feel this pain and have her actions show her that life is not just about her and her OM and how she feels.

Is it wrong that I want her to be hurt by the pain that is caused by the D?

I feel a little responsible about the D, but I would have worked on fixing any problems that we had as long as it was not an open M.