Don't see how I can win this.

[Underdog]

Ahhhh. Foolish just might be another snapshot in this moment in time. Hopefully, you will see yourself in a more positive light soon. I just won't address you by that name. I don't see you as foolish at all. I see you as hurt and confused.

My mother is also petite. I'm 5-8 and not. But I spent my childhood being afraid of my mom (we've healed that R). She was verbally mean and her anger was the whip that beat the kids into doing what she wanted. So physical size is no match for an angry person.

I guess the lesson here is I need to find a way to more emotionally honest with myself and get in touch more with my feelings and speakout more in the moment when I disagree with something instead of stuffing it up and letting it really blow when I am upset.

I think you'd do yourself a huge favor, F. Here's something to chew on. By lashing out instead of stepping back and figuring out why I felt anger, my IC called ME a liar. It took me a long time to figure out that my unwillingness to show vulnerability was also a lie.

#5. In review of our mariage, I have found out she has lied about many things, to me and others. I am reconciling my emotional reality from reality. My emotional reality was not real and when I saw evidence of that, I chose to ignore it.

^^^^^^^^ This is what your anger is all about, F. You're angry with yourself for not addressing this when you saw it for what it was. Ok, that might be foolish. I'd say it was fear of some sort that prevented you from shining the light on this. You were probably afraid she'd tell you she wanted to split up. Check. She did it anyway. You were probably afraid she'd check out. Check. She did that too. The worst already happened, F. So what purpose did that serve?

So what can you do? You can *choose* to address the elephant that shows up in your living room. Each and every time. Be true to yourself. Taking back your name is a symbol. But actually having your own back is the real action here.

#6. She then tells everyone that the reason she left varies from person to person. She never states that she is having an intense physical affair that has changed her fundamental beliefs about everything and left to spend time with her AP.

#7. She has turned into someone I don't know or recognize.

#6 is out of your control. You can't control what she thinks or says. The only control you have is what comes out of your mouth. Devote your time to focusing on what you can do to make yourself and your kids feel better. #7? I'm afraid that all of us here share that one.

#8. This is her second affair, the first was an EA when our son was in the hospital receiving chemotherapy. She told me "she just needed a friend". This friend was also very hurt by the emotional affair and my WAW could not understand why the other person was upset or I was too. I got angry then too. That was 8 years ago.

OK, take a long drink of that whiskey, F, because this is where I lay it on the table. You knew she had it in her to run when she felt out of control. Preaching to her isn't ever going to change anyone's mind. And yes, I was guilty of that initial pursuit. It only made him more resolved to get away from me. So I'm gonna ask you why you didn't dig deep way back when to resolve things then? From here, it sounds as though you swept it under the rug and stayed mad about it. And she probably figured that it would just go away if you didn't address it. I call that the ostrich effect. It doesn't work, BTW.

It feels like I don't have a right to be upset or angry when my world has blown up and four small children have been hurt? Do I not have the right? I scream into my pillow, I run around the block, I practice deep breathing. I recognize when anger is creeping up becuase I start to feel hot and flooded.

I never said this, and never intimated it either. Anger is a normal human emotion. Unchecked anger is not. It means that there is a huge disconnect between "what is" and "what you want it to be". It's not anger by itself. It's how it manifests and is expressed. That's the problem.

I personally find I have more anger with guilt. Dig deeper, F. Get to the bottom of this. I'd start with why you ignore big red flags when they wave in your face. Again, that does not make you foolish. It makes you give in to some real fear.

Can you shed some light on this fear of being unlovable? Something tells me this has roots in childhood.

Also, do you tend to be a defensive person? If so, it just might be getting in your way in how people treat you. Just saying.

I also have roots in the south. But I don't interpret being a viper having someone else's back. Webster's defines it as a vicious or treacherous person. That's a pretty strong accusation, and I'm not sure I'd be okay hearing that from anyone. Unless it had roots in truth.

Wonka has an outstanding thread here in Newcomers on boundaries that I suggest you read, print out and take notes. It would be a good place to help you identify the source of your feelings. Feelings serve a purpose. Choose authenticity, F. That's when you know you have nothing to feel foolish for, and you know you have your own back. There's nothing more rewarding than knowing that you can manage yourself. Take it from one who's had to do the unwinding to get to calm. It's not easy, and the only way out is through.

Betsey