Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate the time you took to write them. i agree that you are shining a light on an issue that needs resolution.
#1. Why do you hate the name Foolish? I chose it because I do feel foolish, I feel taken advantage of, I feel I lacked a sense of good judgement with my WAW. She is not the person I married. We always talked about morals and how important they were to us and how important it was to be on the same page and how to impart those to our kids. We always talked about how happy we were and how fortunate we were to raise our family. I feel Foolish that she used our S9 email account to communicate with her AP.
#2. The Viper comment. Yes, my MIL did call me that for reasons I can't go into here. Over the entire 19 year marriage, I have always had a good relationship with her, she has made me laugh and I have made her laugh. I took the Viper comment to mean she was on he daughter's side - understandably so. She is a Southern story teller, so I thought it was impressive that she chose to call me that. She is calling me that based upon a lie my WAW has told her and of course she believes her daughter. I get that.
As for being unpredictable, I have been nothing but predictable, I have loved my wife, loved my family, paid our bills, never looked at another peson in that way, never lied to her, led by thought and action, made mistakes along the way, said a lot of apologies, went to theray, etc... but it was always "us" our family, "us" my WAW and me.
#3. Are people afraid of me - maybe so, but I remind you I am a very petite person. My WAW outweighs me 50 pounds and is about 4 inches taller than me. I agree that I have stuffed my anger inside many times because I did not want to cause waves. My family of origon was from a culture of yelling. I consciously chose not to live like that, which honestly has not served me well. When I do get angry, yeah, I get angry and mean. I guess the lesson here is I need to find a way to more emotionally honest with myself and get in touch more with my feelings and speakout more in the moment when I disagree with something instead of stuffing it up and letting it really blow when I am upset.
I have learned that I can say the same thing but in different ways, both can elicit the same reaction. However, saying it in a loving kind way gets a better response. That is true.
#4. I did not email the pastor, I emailed my WAW to remove the picture from the website. My WAW is very involved with the church and is in a far better position to accomplish that task than the pastor. I could have sent a kinder email and accomplished the same thing.
#5. In review of our mariage, I have found out she has lied about many things, to me and others. I am reconciling my emotional reality from reality. My emotional reality was not real and when I saw evidence of that, I chose to ignore it.
Specifically for my WAW being a liar - she chose to tell me on our anniversary (Sept) she was in love with someone else and was conflicted. I later found out that she had already been in a sexual relationship with this person since August. She said she knew this would probably wreck our marriage but she could not act on her feelings. I felt very Foolish as I chose to rent a Porsche, reserve a suite, filled it with strawberies, had flowers in the room, had wine in the room, made dinner reservations, made a spa and massage appointments. She chose then to tell me and I felt very very very foolish.
#6. She then tells everyone that the reason she left varies from person to person. She never states that she is having an intense physical affair that has changed her fundamental beliefs about everything and left to spend time with her AP.
#7. She has turned into someone I don't know or recognize.
So, yes, I am angry and upset....still...6 months later. If my WAW had just told me that she fell in love with another person then I could have dealt with that but she didn't. She strung me along with "well....I am not ready for marriage counseling...Maybe we could still live together.....you need to just deal with this and be uncomfortable with it.... and the classic "why are you so angry". I begged her to stop the affair and go to counseling where we could deal with this. I said many many times that our mariage is stronger than this, we can resolve it. She refused them and said she could not live without the AP.
#8. This is her second affair, the first was an EA when our son was in the hospital receiving chemotherapy. She told me "she just needed a friend". This friend was also very hurt by the emotional affair and my WAW could not understand why the other person was upset or I was too. I got angry then too. That was 8 years ago.
#9. The most basic fear I have is that I am unlovable as a person.
How do I display my anger, I say mean things, I yell, I cry, I make bad decisions out of anger. I guess I do all the things people do when they are upset. I called her Mom to ask what to do, was she having a breakdown, what was going on? I called for help with the family who provided no help just "well you kow how she is".
So, yes I hear you about the anger. I will add it to the list of things I am working on. I will try to find healthier ways to be more emotionally honest in the moment and not stuff my anger down. I will try to find ways to relase the anger and loss that I currently am experiencing.
It feels like I don't have a right to be upset or angry when my world has blown up and four small children have been hurt? Do I not have the right? I scream into my pillow, I run around the block, I practice deep breathing. I recognize when anger is creeping up becuase I start to feel hot and flooded.
The book has stated to DETACH DETACH DETACH and GAL GAL GAL and PMA PMA PMA. While I struggle wih these concepts, I am working on them.
Again, thank you so much for your insights. They are very valuable to me and I will think alot about this anger issue and how take steps to recognize it, minimize it, and deal with it.
