Need Help!!!

[PatientMan]

I am way to emotionally involved. As far as detaching I just can't find the right balance. When I don't initiate contact with her is usually when she makes her next big move. Tuesday I said I had not contact. Well Tuesday is the day she signed the divorce papers. Just using that as an example.

So be ready for it, but stop jumping through her hoops. If she's giving you a pattern, you can plan for it emotionally ahead of time.

Some advice from the past I saved:

"It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier."

"Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold."

Is her infidelity a deal breaker for me? Emotional no Physical it depends.

I am not looking for a reason to be done I am just setting a boundary that would be going to far. I am far from done in this. I am hurt and frightened and scared to death to lose my W and BF. I am being honest because it is the only way you can help me, but my world is spinning out of control right now.

Good. Be honest with yourself first. Now that you are actually thinking about why you are doing what you are doing you can realize you have the power to change it no matter what your feelings are doing to you.

No I am not acting honorably I am acting like a scared POS.

So change it. Are you ready?

At least I can imagine that is how she sees me.

Don't worry about what she thinks. Seriously. You need to take care of YOU first.

I have read your links and I do come up with a game plan. But every time I feel I am focused she hits me with something new.

So be ready for it! Remember the posture I pointed out to you...about not being pushed over because you're ready for it?

I am going to see her in a little while to take my D14 to get clothes from her. Do I just drop the entire snooping thing forever and not apologize anymore?

If you have already apologized, then DO NOT APOLOGIZE AGAIN! You have been heard. If she pushes and pushes and pushes the issue, then calmly tell her that you've already apologized and you are not going to dwell on it. DON'T ENGAGE HER! It may be what she wants! Remember, the more she dislikes you, the easier it is for her to leave!

I will probably get blasted for analyzing again. But W told me shouldn't function the rest of the day at work after I left because I left my wedding ring and house key on the back desk when I left and did not say bye to her. She also said she didn't sleep at all. Because of the way I acted. That must show she either still cares about me. Or she is nervous because I caught her.

You're mind-reading. STOP! Do what you do because it's the right thing to do.

She did hand me back my wedding ring when we met for dinner last night. Which I put right back on. But she told me she doesn't trust me enough to get the house key back, I would have to earn it back. By the way I have another set.

I'm sorry, why are you out of the house and not her, the one who is leaving? (Just curious.)

Last thing when we talked about the attorneys and all that today. She told me I can either get an attorney of my own or we can just go to mediation. What is the best choice if you are trying to save your marriage? My marriage comes first but I don't want to get wiped clean either.

That's a question for someone else as I just don't know enough to give an opinion out.

Some advice I used to carry around in my wallet all the time:

- Do not pursue
- Give her SPACE
- Do not talk about R unless she brings up and let her drive the conversation
- Act "as if"
- Be cheerful, strong, confident, outgoing and attractive at all times!
- She is in the castle, you are on the picnic blanket
- NEVER lose your cool
- Do not respond emotionally to anything
- Do not argue with her feelings
- Look her in the eyes and LISTEN
- Just be yourself
- NEVER give up
- Stay grounded - her happiness may not be a good sign for R
- Be there for her no matter what
- Patient Endurance
- Be an honorable man
- A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits.
- Being needy is not attractive
- Welcome her openness; be guarded with yours
- ALWAYS have HOPE; NEVER have EXPECTATIONS
- You can only control YOUR actions
- The more she dislikes you, the easier her decision to leave is
- Do not temperature check the R
- Be a man only a fool would leave
- Detaching is not withdrawing
- Tears may come from guilt and not true love
- Do not fuel her fire
- Dealt some lousy cards? Play them well!
- Keep the road paved home smooth
- Validate her feelings
- Happiness comes from within
- Anger is your enemy
- Made a mistake? Move on
- Show that your interested in her, but don't need her

Start doing this stuff ^^ and reading sandi37's rules several times a day until it becomes second nature to you.

-PM