My Wife Wants to Work on Things - Any Advice?

[Sherman333]

We must have cross posted.

but there's some "foggy" thinking there on her part

I completely agree. I have no illusions that something may have happened. She's done some odd things and a lot of "shopping" without buying things. At a minimum it's an emotional affair. She's talked about him a lot and he expressed interest.

What's your wife saying/doing today?

Yesterday when she expressed she wanted to work on us, she seemed to be super happy compared to how it's been even a year ago. Like a weight was lifted off her. She was great with the kids and even went roller-blading. She even said she wants to start cooking with me (she hates cooking). She's still in the basement room and asked me to tuck her in. The conversation focused on a little on plans for the weekend, the upcoming trip, our future and what we need to do to get there. How much she's been afraid and even what melted her wall. She said it was our foster-son. She also talked about how she's felt like she's been giving away too much of herself for too long; especially with some really difficult foster kids we had last year (we're done fostering BTW). My wife was a foster child herself and they may triggered something in her (the agency warned this might happen).

The way she's describing things is that she's waking up. She's always kinda expressed how's she's feeling with a song and will listen to it over and over. This morning she sent me a link to "I'm good" by the Mowgli's. I hadn't read it because I was getting the kids ready, so she caught me in the kitchen and read the song to me. She even took the time to explain a little what it meant to her.

The pertinent lyrics to this conversation are:

Trying to figure out who I am or who I'm supposed to be. I feel good about where I stand. So I can make the most of me-I'm coming back down from space A million miles away. There's a lot of love in this place.

She says she feels like she's just waking up. Like she's been somewhere else.

The other section of the song that she really pointed out is

We're looking for something more... What you're really looking for It's been with you since you were born

She said that she realizes that we all care for her. One of the thing that she needs is a balance going forward. That it we need time away from the kids. She wants to be mom, but doesn't want to be consumed by it. Same for our relationship, etc. A lot more was said in little small conversations I'm forgetting. But she was repeating a lot of the same messages.

Overall, I haven't seen her like this in YEARS. I'm not even sure when the last time was. My wife is known for being rather intense about just about everything. She seemed lighter in her movements even.

If I was going to pinpoint when the gates started to open up, it was a few days ago when she told me that she was turning into her mom - who is unhappy about everything (husbands (3?), children, life, pick a topic). She acted really scared to tell me and was defensive too. I validated and let her know I love her. She started crying/sobbing hard.

This happened 2 days after I started following Sandi's tough love advice and after really focusing on the attraction side of things over the past couple of months. I was at the point where my messages have been "I have a preference, but I'm done" and I meant it.

Now I'm having trouble trusting the situation (with good reason). LOL I never expected this.

I'm in the wait and see mode. And we still have the underlying issues to take care of.