Things have been good on the whole. I really struggled for the first 3-4 months of S's little life. I think between anniversary effect and postpartum hormones, it was just a really bad time.
He turned 1 this past Sunday. He's walking and talking and generally very sweet (although he's got a short fuse... that should be fun in the upcoming years). Loves sports stuff (kicking and throwing balls is a fav activity), but also enjoys putting on his sister's tiaras and stealing her Minnie Mouse toys. D's been a wonderful big sister. They really get into very few tiffs, and she really watches out for him. Their love for each other is just so sweet.
H and I have been ok I guess. We were dismissed from MT back in December. The things that still need to be worked out are on my end. I'm still angry that I have to continue to "work" on the mess he created. Not to say he didn't pull his own weight to get sh!t back on track. He did. But I would not still need to be going to regular counseling had he not done what he did.
Today was a hard session. I expect the next several ICs to be hard just due to the time of year. On the anniversary of the bomb (4 f@cking years), I was almost incapacitated with pain. I didn't eat for about 2 days and had a migraine that wouldn't quit. I'm in a new school this year (MUCH less stressful placement), and my administrators were so worried about me one of those days that they sent me home early (they just thought I had a virus or something).
I'm just drained. It doesn't help that we've all been sick pretty much since 2015 started. It's not all of us at the same time, but it's been a drain because either I'm caring for someone who's sick, or I'm the one sick (or worst, when it's both). Poor S was sick on his first birthday (had a super high fever from a virus that required an ER visit), and then that nastiness turned into an infection and we had to get our first antibiotics.
So between the sickness and the anniversary time... I'm just having a hard time currently. I feel like I can't even talk to H about it because he just makes excuses. "oh, it's just a busy time of year" "it's just harder with two kids" etc.
Aside: I will say, having two kids and working full time is no joke. This sh!t is hard. Thank God I was found an easier job (aside from the aside: I love my new job, but I'm actually making some moves to get out of public education. Too much bureaucracy, which is what I knew would eventually do me in in this field). It is a little farther away than my last job, but man, I'm not having migraines weekly like I used to. I miss my time at home with my kiddos so much though.
Anyhow, I feel like I can't talk to H about this because he doesn't know what to do. He is such a smart man on the whole; however, he, relatively speaking, is straight up stupid with words. He will be the first to admit this. I am a words person. My love languages are acts of service (which really he's gotten pretty good at, especially when it comes to doing things for the kids), and words of affirmation (which he totally blows at). I don't know a way of conveying to him my needs without him feeling defeated. Only because I know him, and when things get super hard (interpersonally) he shuts down. With most other challenges in life, he rolls up he sleeves and gets to it, but with this stuff, he's a mess (case in point, how this whole mess started when he had to face becoming a father).
I think I know what I need from him. I think I need affirmations that he wants me and that he loves me and that everything is good and he doesn't want to be anywhere else. But when he tries to say those things with words, he straight up sounds disingenuous. Like a robot (in fact, many people at his work call him Robot). So I can't even take him seriously when he attempts this.
I'm venting and very stream of consciousness right now. I know this.
In many ways, I still feel very disrespected. I still feel very devalued. I think because in my mind, I would never do what he did to me unless I f@cking hated that person and wanted to make them feel subhuman.
I'm not saying he does things currently to make me feel that way. I do feel under appreciated on the whole, but, as a working mom, I don't think I'm unique in feeling that way. It comes with the territory, I suppose. And my sweet D is actually very thankful (will randomly thank me for general mom stuff like cleaning her clothes, making her food, brushing her hair, etc), so that helps quite a bit.
It's not helpful that media, and it feels like society on the whole, are so... judgmental... on people if they stay after an affair. "Clearly they have no respect for themselves to stay with someone like that" Thanks. That really helps this process. Makes me hate myself and my spouse so much less.
F@ck waiting for spring to get here. I'm ready for summer.
