Don't see how I can win this.

[Underdog]

Foolish,

I'm obviously late to your party. Hope you'll let me piggy back in your house with Wonka. I'm eating a late lunch and since I don't really come up to Newcomers much, your name intrigued me enough to read up. I'm a believer in the names we choose here. Do you see yourself as foolish?

Sigh. I'm trying to figure out what exactly I want to say. Don't know where to start. Since there are a few things that have jumped out at me, I want to bring them up to help me understand more about you. Your MIL called you a viper? Is she normally a name caller? If not, that's a really strong word. Why would she call you a viper?

If there is a thread to that name, I'd have to say that your anger is almost blinding me. It's a rage that I would think is tied to that viper description. Anger is a normal emotion, F. (I really can't type your name in full. I hate it that much.) But your unbridled, unrestrained anger is a cesspit of lost opportunity. Every time you give in to that rage, you're making a decision not to act as a loving human being. It's not hurting your W one bit. It's hurting you. It's permeating your pores, and if I can sense that here in print, I'm pretty sure that people in your real life are afraid of you. I'm afraid of vipers, F. They're unpredictable and have a tendency to bite when afraid. I avoid them like the plague.

Think about that.

I'm saying that anger is a decision for you at this point. Not the kind that says, "Jeez, I'm really hurt." The kind that sends e-mails to pastors. The kind that seems a little off the rails. I don't see your boundaries. Boundaries are something that only involve your circle of beliefs. They are rarely enforced in anger (if at all). They are healthy supports for yourself.

If I could be so bold, F... I'd say that if you were manipulated, you had a hand in that. You might have been an anger stuffer. Someone who won't be emotionally honest when the situation calls for it. Or you could be a passive aggressive person, who acts agreeable and then does what she wants. Or you have an intuition that something is off and you don't muster the strength to address that lovingly.

There are a variety of liars, F. Some people are just outright liars because they choose to be. I'd bet they don't number much, but if your W is one of those, why would you stay married to her for 19 years? Others lie because they are afraid. They don't know how to be vulnerable or they are dealing with someone who punishes them for being honest. What kind of liar is your W? And are you the punishing person who feels betrayed by anything you fear?

However, I am still sticking to my boundries of no manipulation of me.

What does this mean? Really? What steps do you take and what do you consider manipulating you?

I happen to be one of those people who punished my XH for not telling me what I wanted to hear. So while he didn't outright lie to me, he omitted truths and he was also passive aggressive when he needed to take action. The more I'd yell, the more he'd engage in these behaviors. It wasn't until I established a long term pattern of letting him tell me no or disagreeing with me on things pertaining to the kids that our dynamic changed. Once I stopped punishing him (out of fear), he started being truthful. Note I didn't say he stopped lying. I said he became truthful. That's because he finally felt safe being honest with me.

Frankly, I'd be terrified of telling you the truth. So how do you think your W feels? The righteousness. Wow. As folks here said before, that photo represented a real place in time where you were a happy family. That's not the church's fault things are different now. Somehow you've got to make peace with your present.

Your list of strengths and weaknesses is awfully telling, F. Do you tap into those weaknesses when you're afraid? Do you make people react when you're afraid? And where is this fear coming from?

I understand that your kids are upset and so are you. Right now, your job is to minimize their anxiety and deal with your own like doing yoga and working out. Great job with that commitment. Somehow you've got to remind yourself - wear a rubber band or something to snap on your wrist - and when you start to feel that anger creeping in to your random thoughts, "Oh yeah. I decided I was going to think about something good instead." And then do it! Think about a favorite vacation spot, something, to derail this free rein you've given to that emotion.

I didn't come here to wield a 2x4. I try not to say something to someone just to see my advice in print. I say it because I truly believe that it might shine some light on an issue I believe is getting in your way of progress and healing - no matter what your WAW ultimately decides to do about your M.

What do you think?

Betsey