Need Help!!!

[PatientMan]

She's going to be on her roller-coaster day to day, even moment to moment. You cannot let her emotions and actions affect YOUR emotions and actions. What she says and does has no effect on you and what you are determined to do. Do you understand?

-PM

[errod]

Yes but I really screwed up. I got caught snooping and have now lost all trust with her.

I accidently stumbled across some smoke. At that point I continued digging. I never did find fire but I did lose all of her trust and credibility.

She has relieved me at the office of my duties and wants me to teach her all the financial stuff over the weekend so she can start doing it.

[PatientMan]

Yes but I really screwed up. I got caught snooping and have now lost all trust with her.

I accidently stumbled across some smoke. At that point I continued digging. I never did find fire but I did lose all of her trust and credibility.

She has relieved me at the office of my duties and wants me to teach her all the financial stuff over the weekend so she can start doing it.

From my first link: "Made a mistake? Learn from it and move on."

In no way does it mean you ought to turn into a doormat, nor does it define you as a person. She may try and turn this into leverage to make you do whatever she wants. While you may have done something wrong, do not allow this. Apologize once and move forward on YOUR path.

Why were you snooping? What smoke was there?

-PM

[errod]

I saw a cell phone number on the desk. So I did a reverse look up on it. It was a an older divorced man. He is 51 my W is only 36. Let me add him and his parents and sister all have gone to my W's office since the beginning. My wife also told me on Monday she signed up to do a race, when I looked at the roster he was also doing it. Then I looked up his name in the system at work and saw that he was in the office a few weeks ago but there was charge for the appointment.

So after collecting all of this information I confronted my W about it. She says there is nothing there. She did not charge him for his appointment because it was a very small filling touch up and the entire family goes there. She then said she does not talk to him but has always been friends with his sister. Which is true. She says the sister gave her his number if she had any questions about the process of a divorce since he divorced more recently then her. W swears she never called him even to ask questions.

I still think she seems guilty but if I continue pushing the issue we would be done for sure.

She once again said we will never get back together and I said here is your chance to come clean. If you are even emotionally with someone else tell me now and I will give up on our marriage.

[PatientMan]

I saw a cell phone number on the desk. So I did a reverse look up on it. It was a an older divorced man. He is 51 my W is only 36. Let me add him and his parents and sister all have gone to my W's office since the beginning. My wife also told me on Monday she signed up to do a race, when I looked at the roster he was also doing it. Then I looked up his name in the system at work and saw that he was in the office a few weeks ago but there was charge for the appointment.

So after collecting all of this information I confronted my W about it. She says there is nothing there. She did not charge him for his appointment because it was a very small filling touch up and the entire family goes there. She then said she does not talk to him but has always been friends with his sister. Which is true. She says the sister gave her his number if she had any questions about the process of a divorce since he divorced more recently then her. W swears she never called him even to ask questions.

I still think she seems guilty but if I continue pushing the issue we would be done for sure.

She once again said we will never get back together and I said here is your chance to come clean. If you are even emotionally with someone else tell me now and I will give up on our marriage.

1) You're too emotionally involved. Detach.

2) Is her infidelity a deal-breaker for you?

Are you sure?

Physical or emotional or either?

It seems you are LOOKING for a reason to be done, and even if you aren't, you are giving her valuable ammunition against you, either to get rid of you or just to hurt you.

Are these goals your intent?

If no, then you need to adjust. If yes, then I really don't know what you're doing or why. Maybe you're too scared to break it off yourself. Maybe you want it to be her fault and not yours. Maybe you're just hurt and frightened and don't really know what you're doing. I don't know, I'm just speculating and trying to facilitate you thinking about WHY you're doing WHAT you're doing.

3) Are you acting honorably? Are you confident in every action you take? If not, make it so. Once you've made it so, BE confident.

She does not have the power to affect you. Clear?

This does not mean you are a mindless, cold robot. It means you are calm and collected, cool as a cucumber. This is suggestion #2 from my first link.

This is difficult...I know. But you've read the links - it's time you start applying them.

-PM

Edit: let me add, I am less concerned that you are looking into possible infidelity. That is fine (contrary to what some may say), but only if you are emotionally healthy enough to handle it. Many aren't. Your reactions are a good barometer.

[errod]

Patient Man

I am way to emotionally involved. As far as detaching I just can't find the right balance. When I don't initiate contact with her is usually when she makes her next big move. Tuesday I said I had not contact. Well Tuesday is the day she signed the divorce papers. Just using that as an example.

Is her infidelity a deal breaker for me? Emotional no Physical it depends.

I am not looking for a reason to be done I am just setting a boundary that would be going to far. I am far from done in this. I am hurt and frightened and scared to death to lose my W and BF. I am being honest because it is the only way you can help me, but my world is spinning out of control right now.

No I am not acting honorably I am acting like a scared POS. At least I can imagine that is how she sees me.

I have read your links and I do come up with a game plan. But every time I feel I am focused she hits me with something new.

I am not emotionally healthy enough to handle it. I just want the truth for closure.

I am going to see her in a little while to take my D14 to get clothes from her. Do I just drop the entire snooping thing forever and not apologize anymore?

I will probably get blasted for analyzing again. But W told me she couldn't function the rest of the day at work after I left because I left my wedding ring and house key on the back desk when I left and did not say bye to her. She also said she didn't sleep at all. Because of the way I acted. That must show there is either something left. Or she is nervous because I caught her.

She did hand me back my wedding ring when we met for dinner last night. Which I put right back on. But she told me she doesn't trust me enough to get the house key back, I would have to earn it back. By the way I have another set.

Last thing when we talked about the attorneys and all that today. She told me I can either get an attorney of my own or we can just go to mediation. What is the best choice if you are trying to save your marriage? My marriage comes first but I don't want to get wiped clean either.

[PatientMan]

I am way to emotionally involved. As far as detaching I just can't find the right balance. When I don't initiate contact with her is usually when she makes her next big move. Tuesday I said I had not contact. Well Tuesday is the day she signed the divorce papers. Just using that as an example.

So be ready for it, but stop jumping through her hoops. If she's giving you a pattern, you can plan for it emotionally ahead of time.

Some advice from the past I saved:

"It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier."

"Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold."

Is her infidelity a deal breaker for me? Emotional no Physical it depends.

I am not looking for a reason to be done I am just setting a boundary that would be going to far. I am far from done in this. I am hurt and frightened and scared to death to lose my W and BF. I am being honest because it is the only way you can help me, but my world is spinning out of control right now.

Good. Be honest with yourself first. Now that you are actually thinking about why you are doing what you are doing you can realize you have the power to change it no matter what your feelings are doing to you.

No I am not acting honorably I am acting like a scared POS.

So change it. Are you ready?

At least I can imagine that is how she sees me.

Don't worry about what she thinks. Seriously. You need to take care of YOU first.

I have read your links and I do come up with a game plan. But every time I feel I am focused she hits me with something new.

So be ready for it! Remember the posture I pointed out to you...about not being pushed over because you're ready for it?

I am going to see her in a little while to take my D14 to get clothes from her. Do I just drop the entire snooping thing forever and not apologize anymore?

If you have already apologized, then DO NOT APOLOGIZE AGAIN! You have been heard. If she pushes and pushes and pushes the issue, then calmly tell her that you've already apologized and you are not going to dwell on it. DON'T ENGAGE HER! It may be what she wants! Remember, the more she dislikes you, the easier it is for her to leave!

I will probably get blasted for analyzing again. But W told me shouldn't function the rest of the day at work after I left because I left my wedding ring and house key on the back desk when I left and did not say bye to her. She also said she didn't sleep at all. Because of the way I acted. That must show she either still cares about me. Or she is nervous because I caught her.

You're mind-reading. STOP! Do what you do because it's the right thing to do.

She did hand me back my wedding ring when we met for dinner last night. Which I put right back on. But she told me she doesn't trust me enough to get the house key back, I would have to earn it back. By the way I have another set.

I'm sorry, why are you out of the house and not her, the one who is leaving? (Just curious.)

Last thing when we talked about the attorneys and all that today. She told me I can either get an attorney of my own or we can just go to mediation. What is the best choice if you are trying to save your marriage? My marriage comes first but I don't want to get wiped clean either.

That's a question for someone else as I just don't know enough to give an opinion out.

Some advice I used to carry around in my wallet all the time:

- Do not pursue
- Give her SPACE
- Do not talk about R unless she brings up and let her drive the conversation
- Act "as if"
- Be cheerful, strong, confident, outgoing and attractive at all times!
- She is in the castle, you are on the picnic blanket
- NEVER lose your cool
- Do not respond emotionally to anything
- Do not argue with her feelings
- Look her in the eyes and LISTEN
- Just be yourself
- NEVER give up
- Stay grounded - her happiness may not be a good sign for R
- Be there for her no matter what
- Patient Endurance
- Be an honorable man
- A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits.
- Being needy is not attractive
- Welcome her openness; be guarded with yours
- ALWAYS have HOPE; NEVER have EXPECTATIONS
- You can only control YOUR actions
- The more she dislikes you, the easier her decision to leave is
- Do not temperature check the R
- Be a man only a fool would leave
- Detaching is not withdrawing
- Tears may come from guilt and not true love
- Do not fuel her fire
- Dealt some lousy cards? Play them well!
- Keep the road paved home smooth
- Validate her feelings
- Happiness comes from within
- Anger is your enemy
- Made a mistake? Move on
- Show that your interested in her, but don't need her

Start doing this stuff ^^ and reading sandi37's rules several times a day until it becomes second nature to you.

-PM

[errod]

As far as the house situation it is very confusing. A month before everything blew up we started having our dream house built. That is why from July-December W felt trapped and things got worse. She even says herself if we could of gave each other space then we probably would be ok by now. January 2nd we closed on the new house. She moved into it and I stayed at the old house which was listed for sale. Well 5 days later the old house went under contract. We sold it at the end of February and I had to get an apartment.

[errod]

I took your advice. I went to W's house to get D14's clothes. I did not bring up anything from the last couple days and my snooping. I just went in all smiles and acted like everything was great. We talked for about 15 minutes about her day, I told her a few stories from my day. Then I played with our dog for a few minutes. Then D14 and I left. I have to admit that may have been my first time that I executed my plan through all of this. I also told her that on one of these nice days this weekend I am going to come by to either take our dog to the park or do something outside with him.

I actually feel really good right now about myself. I actually walked out of the house not feeling emotionally drained. I am going to stop looking into things for my own mental health.

Tomorrow is not going to be so easy so I have to prepare myself. She wants me to teach her how to start doing the financials for the business. Even though she is the Dentist and the face of the company, that business was my baby. The numbers I had as far as collections percentage and everything else blow even my accountants mind. But I am not going to fight her on it if she wants me to teach her I will just go along with it. I could not help her but if she fails, it will hurt my daughters future.

Lastly as we were driving home my daughter said that her Cheer Squad which is going all the way across the state(5 hours away) needs volunteers to drive the buses up. So I volunteered. I was going down already for it so now I can feel needed and help someone.

[PatientMan]

I could not help her but if she fails, it will hurt my daughters future.

Careful. That is a little seed that can take root in your brain and make you rationalize doing something you know you oughtn't under the false pretenses of "helping your daughter."

To the rest of it: good job!

-PM