Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Been reading all the above back, I would also say the one thing Im not anymore is prepared to be shelved if we did reconcile.

Right now, ok, we're not together.

If she chooses not to investigate a reconciliation, that blows but we go our separate ways.

If we do then her pushing me away and her relationship and, now, s's relationship with MIL are the only things I want her to look at. I cant and wont dictate what she should do about MIL apart from look at it for the damaging control it is (this is nothing new, her friends have told her this long before she met me).

I have and will continue to treat any and all issues she has or will raise about me, my behaviours with her (or s) seriously and tackle them but the above are the only things I cannot cope with if we reconciled as they are a huge part of how we got here.

[Dawn70]

You, my dear edz, are so inspiring to me. I am working very hard to be like that last paragraph you just wrote above. My XH has already moved on and to be honest, as much as I loved the man he was, he is not the same to me anymore and reconciliation is not even a blip on the radar. I just have to work on me and move forward and realize that XH is doing the same thing.

If a reconciliation WERE to ever happen, I would want to go into it a better version of me so that we would not end up back where we are now. I have really enjoyed seeing your evolution and it is great for me to see the perspective from the other side of the fence, so to speak.

[edz]

Thanks Dawn thats very, very good of you to say

[edz]

W just called to tell me my favourite author died and tell me about her and s's day and her misadventures with abandoned cars (no she didnt prang one) just someone abandoning one outside.

Maintained PMA and stayed upbeat and happy, had a quick chat with s re Sunday (Booked a cafe for lunch rather than restaurant for dinner - seems more appropriate for s and also if things stay the way they are its going to take a lot for me to stay fully PMA around her that's easier in a lunch setting).

W was talking about various things, somehow we got onto "talking" (I dont think I brought it up - honestly I dont know anymore). I didnt (couldnt) get too much into it so simply said when she can make time let me know and she can give me a general direction, not looking for specifics or heavy discussion.

Since I "dont" know any of the info I posted early this morning I couldnt refer to it of course which makes it just that little bit harder. Ah well, in a few years all will be a memory I suppose lets hope its a good one.

[Vanilla]

Edz

I am sitting with friend Pedro and a book, just chilling.

H has been silent all day, big relief to me.

Love Edz, is a choice, that great higher power conveys more love than any single human would ever want in their lifetime. There is an abundance of the stuff, oceans of it. It is not doled out in egg cups like in the Sahara water shortage!

We choose to let love into our lives, it is that easy. We can only hide from that love, chose to ignore it, and it is there, always, we do not unlove or fall out of love, we just chose to turn away from it. The higher power comes back and says, hey, you know that love thing, it is here all the time.

The infatuation that passes for love, cons us into believing it is real, when it is an addiction of our spirit, it is love looking inwards not outwards and eventually dies as passion. 92% of As die within 5 years, the majority of those within 2, and we are not even examining one night stands. Why? This is the antithesis of love based on guilt and shame.

W will always love, even if she does not recognise this as such. You are the father of your child. Edz is loveable loving and becoming more so each day because Edz is growing in spirit. 100% rule Edz.

Cheers to Pedro

V

[edz]

Glad you like it v none in tonight but I have a roscoli garganega pinot grigio. Cheers to us both!

[edz]

Duplicate post!

Blame it on the vino so I'll use this to say tired tonight,not surprising with 3 hours sleep!

W has said to me and friend that she has asked for time and thats fine I've told her that but I just want to know if she's not interested and is immenently off to start dating and more I dont know if I have the strength to stand then and dont want to find that out in two weeks if she's planning it now.

Anyway moved swimming from today as I'm too bushed after last night I'll find more exercise tomorrow to make up for it (w bringing s late tomorrow afternoon) I also wish I could now stop worrying why she's suddenly dropping s off on a Friday afternoon rather than me picking him up.

Hey ho too tired to worry tonight,now where's that wine?

[rd500]

LOVEly post V

[Old Dog]

Nice waffling Edz :-)

I wasn't even sure I wanted a relationship with my WW and I almost sabotaged it early on. Apparently I turned up for our first date having shaved my head. I don't remember this of course. I did shave my head but had forgotten that was when.

I wasn't sure I wanted kids. She did and eventually I said yes. Well I did but then again didn't as it would shake things up so much. And marriage? What's the point was my take on it: it's just a piece of paper.

My views on all those are radically different now though. But I'm still drifting and easily swayed. I'm hoping to challenge this with my IC.

Re music: If I name names, I might be identifyable though.
I'm not at all bothered about this, but I don't want to be barred. Let's just say I as in quite a famous indie rock band in the 80s and I've worked as sound engineer, tour manager and general road filth for many others until I got out in '97.

[jim0987]

Evening edz.

I could have guessed you were a disc world fan.

So you've had a lot of good comments from various people on this, so I'll try not to rehash what you've been told already (and I love Vanilla's take on love being ever present)

So what's bothering you really? And why the drive for some kind of closure/certainty?

It strikes me that things ate pretty positive in a lot of ways but for whatever reason your W isn't making that step you would like her to and then you seem to be beating yourself up with anxiety over the reasons why not.

Does it matter?

She can't be anymore done than she already was and so you've been living with this for a long while now and doing a progressively better job of being kind to yourself. You've been doing a great job of being a good and improving version of yourse

Is part of this a fear of the potential for OM? Is it thing related?

I guess it seems there is something more motivating you than just your Ws comments / statements

Anyways apart from that I hope your doing well.