I will work more on detaching. It's a process and some days are beter than others. Some days I feel like I have slid back into old thinking patterns and others I feel good about the positive changes. I guess that is the roller coaster effect I have read so much about.
Mozza - What will it mean in my daily life to not look back, I guess letting her go, dropping the rope, not concerning myself with her new life. It feels like she has a brand new life while I have the old life except with a gaping hole. I know that is just my perceptions and I am working to realign that with my IC.
Another big part will be when I am no longer angry with her. I think that will be the true litmus test, when she does not affect me or my emotions. I really want to let the anger go and just get on with my life. I am still angry with her and I am sure that colors every interaction. I am practiving deep breathing, am exercising and trying to meditate myself into the present, not on the past or on the fuure, but in the now. The now that includes playing with my kids, taking the dog for a walk, contrating on my job. Living in the NOW.
I am rearranging the house, and making it more mine and removing items that are triggers. I do "get it" that when I focus on her, or "our" past, it just hurts me in the end and I really am tired of falling into those potholes. I am getting better but am not there yet. I am a never ending work in progress it seems.
It is harder because we both work at the same location (different buildings) and we both know most everyone who works here. I have stopped going to "her" church and have started going to another one with the kids. It feels like a fresh start for us.
Again, thank you both for your insightful comments. They help me more than you know.
I was the Champion of not detaching I think... I had a really hard time of it. Like all the emotions that we go through during this, detachment too is very cyclic. I would fall asleep thinking about her and OM, wake often during the night with those thoughts. Here is where GAL really starts kicking in. Once you start doing some GALs at least during those moments you forget a bit .. just for that time you are fully engaged in your GAL that you forget about WAW, then ... a strange thing happens .. your PMA goes up. That night you might even sleep a bit better than the night before ... rinse repeat and it starts to snowball.
Do not beat yourself up, its not a lightswitch and you can not just turn it off in an instant, it takes time .. .loads of it. Find a GAL activity, or four and put your effort into those, you can only change you right? So focus on you, do your thing, make you happy ... your WAS is doing her thing .. its empty and shallow and a quick fix that she thinks she might need .. does not involve you so stay out of that, make yourself better.
I play softball on Thursday, Coach my sons baseball team Tuesdays and Saturdays, Play football Sundays, I go to a church group on Wednesdays ... my free nights I have S and cook, laundry ... this all took some time to do but when and if my W calls/texts ... I usually miss it not to punish her, but because I am busy with my life the way I want it. I have used this time to make sure I am a damn good father, and one day when I decide I am ready I will see about sharing my precious life with someone ... W or who knows is TBD .. I am not there and not ready right now, still alot of me to fix.
Focus on you, look in the mirror and decide who you want to be, who your kids should see .. start your trip, do the work, and strive everyday to be that person.
I sent WAW an email yesterday to remove our family photo from our old church. The church was using it on their web page basically to say look how open we are to gay families.
I felt manipulated and did not want that photo on the web page. I am sure it was received that I am "angry again". and am being a nasty person. I view it as a boundry issue. I know this was viewed as a vinidictive act on my part.
Detach Deatch Detach Detach
My goal for the day is to work extra had to think about this. My S9 made quesidilla's today for breakfast which was amazing. My d6 has a field trip and was excited about that. We have friends coming over for dinner tonight which will count as a GAL activity.
I don't understand why you had to involve your W to take the picture down off the church website? A simple email to the church administrative assistant could've done the trick without involving your W.
To me, you're poking the bear. P
BUt that's just my take from it.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Indeed, why didn't you contact the church directly?
To me, it comes down to your intentions and tone. If you're really angry and vengeful (are you, honestly?), then it will show. Otherwise, if you have good intentions such as honesty and pain, you can show it. "Dear Pastor, This may seem a strange request but I would be very grateful if you could remove the pictures of my family from the church's website. As you know, my wife and I recently separated and this is a painful reminder of better times. Many thanks for your understanding."
It's not so much the content of that you say or ask, it's how you do it. If you present it with love, honesty and vulnerability, it will go over much better.
But again, the real question is whether your W is right about your emotions.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
They are very helpful. My WAW is very involved in the church infrastructure, thus the email to her. I don't have a good relationship with the pastor, I never have. It's just the way it's always been. Plus if I had just asked the chuch to do it, it would have gotten back to her in a second. The end reaction would have been the same.
Yes, I could have said it in a better way and explained my reasoning. I will keep that in mind if a similar situation comes up again. However, It's just another example of me as the bad guy and my WAW is the good guy or at least thatis how it feels. I am so tired of feeling manipulated and feeling bad about myself and my emotions.
My emotions are valid and I have always been a person of character who put my family first. It just hurts when everyone goes along with my WAW and I feel put into a corner. I am working with my IC as to why I feel this way - and how I control my emotions - no one else. I have allowed people (WAW) to manipulate me and one my boundries is no more manipulation.
I will work on softening my approach. That will be helpful for all concerned, especially ME! No wonder people see me as the "bad guy", I just don't have good social skills. I can see that better now. I am an introvert and my WAW is an extrovert. Dealing with people makes me feel very tired, while my WAW feels exhilirated dealing with people. Polar opposites, which for a long time felt like I was with the right person who could smooth my rough edges.
Should I send aother email to the pastor and WAW explaining why I requested this or just let it lay? My gut tells me to just let it lay.
Honestly? Is it really about the photo and your feelings? Or was it another way to poke at your wife? Because I took it as a thinly veiled poke to your wife. You asked her to contact people, to take down your family photo, instead of asking the person who could've handled it directly. Your W doesn't maintain the church website -- therefore it's not her job or responsibility of the content. It's adding a hurdle in the track that shouldn't be there, and gives your W more ammo towards you, regardless of if you think the outcome would've been the same if you contact a church admin or W directly.
You don't go to the church anymore, presumably you don't have a reason to look at the church's website - so, really and truly, honestly -- what does it have to do with you and your journey at the end of the day? You are still a family (albeit not in the way you like) and it shows other families that they're welcome to that place of worship. I don't understand why you feel manipulated? Could you help explain more?
I look at it in a different manner. I have beautiful wedding photos. I have beautiful post wedding session. Both sets of photos are prominently featured on each respective photographers website as examples of their work. Same with the coordinators of my wedding. While I don't know what will happen to my relationship with my H, I haven't asked the photographers to take down pictures, simply because I look at it as a) a time in my life that was captured when both H and I were happy and b) an opportunity for other people to see the talent and skills of those vendors. (I had a very distinctive wedding, very distinctive dress -- so these vendors often use my wedding to showcase that they are receptive and quite able to do anything that is not "traditional southern wedding" -- but I digress).
At the end of the day, only you know how you feel and if you don't want your picture of your family represented - that's your decision. But, your anger at your W oozes from your writing, and I agree with Mozza - are some of your actions based on anger and vengeance?
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I guess I am still angry at being lied to and being manipulated as something that is not true. My kids are in that photo and I don't like my kids being shown off either representing something that I didn't agree to in the first place. We are not that happy family, my kids are very upset and I am a LBS trying to manage all of this. My WAW who looks like such a sweet person in the photo is not that person. It's like she is an imposter in that photo. It's a hypocracy, a fallacy.
If people only knew. I feel like I have been used in a cruel charade and yes it hurts me very much. That was my life and now it's not. Sometimes, the chuch uses this photo and blows it up and use it as a banner so everyone see's it who drives down the very busy street.
So, yes, in honesty I guess I am still angry. I need to process that more. This Friday and the rest of next week, I will work out at the gym and try to get some of this anger out of my system. When does the anger ever go away?
I have to get this anger out. It is not a healty place to live and it poisons everything. However, I am still sticking to my boundries of no manipulation of me.
I'm obviously late to your party. Hope you'll let me piggy back in your house with Wonka. I'm eating a late lunch and since I don't really come up to Newcomers much, your name intrigued me enough to read up. I'm a believer in the names we choose here. Do you see yourself as foolish?
Sigh. I'm trying to figure out what exactly I want to say. Don't know where to start. Since there are a few things that have jumped out at me, I want to bring them up to help me understand more about you. Your MIL called you a viper? Is she normally a name caller? If not, that's a really strong word. Why would she call you a viper?
If there is a thread to that name, I'd have to say that your anger is almost blinding me. It's a rage that I would think is tied to that viper description. Anger is a normal emotion, F. (I really can't type your name in full. I hate it that much.) But your unbridled, unrestrained anger is a cesspit of lost opportunity. Every time you give in to that rage, you're making a decision not to act as a loving human being. It's not hurting your W one bit. It's hurting you. It's permeating your pores, and if I can sense that here in print, I'm pretty sure that people in your real life are afraid of you. I'm afraid of vipers, F. They're unpredictable and have a tendency to bite when afraid. I avoid them like the plague.
Think about that.
I'm saying that anger is a decision for you at this point. Not the kind that says, "Jeez, I'm really hurt." The kind that sends e-mails to pastors. The kind that seems a little off the rails. I don't see your boundaries. Boundaries are something that only involve your circle of beliefs. They are rarely enforced in anger (if at all). They are healthy supports for yourself.
If I could be so bold, F... I'd say that if you were manipulated, you had a hand in that. You might have been an anger stuffer. Someone who won't be emotionally honest when the situation calls for it. Or you could be a passive aggressive person, who acts agreeable and then does what she wants. Or you have an intuition that something is off and you don't muster the strength to address that lovingly.
There are a variety of liars, F. Some people are just outright liars because they choose to be. I'd bet they don't number much, but if your W is one of those, why would you stay married to her for 19 years? Others lie because they are afraid. They don't know how to be vulnerable or they are dealing with someone who punishes them for being honest. What kind of liar is your W? And are you the punishing person who feels betrayed by anything you fear?
Quote:
However, I am still sticking to my boundries of no manipulation of me.
What does this mean? Really? What steps do you take and what do you consider manipulating you?
I happen to be one of those people who punished my XH for not telling me what I wanted to hear. So while he didn't outright lie to me, he omitted truths and he was also passive aggressive when he needed to take action. The more I'd yell, the more he'd engage in these behaviors. It wasn't until I established a long term pattern of letting him tell me no or disagreeing with me on things pertaining to the kids that our dynamic changed. Once I stopped punishing him (out of fear), he started being truthful. Note I didn't say he stopped lying. I said he became truthful. That's because he finally felt safe being honest with me.
Frankly, I'd be terrified of telling you the truth. So how do you think your W feels? The righteousness. Wow. As folks here said before, that photo represented a real place in time where you were a happy family. That's not the church's fault things are different now. Somehow you've got to make peace with your present.
Your list of strengths and weaknesses is awfully telling, F. Do you tap into those weaknesses when you're afraid? Do you make people react when you're afraid? And where is this fear coming from?
I understand that your kids are upset and so are you. Right now, your job is to minimize their anxiety and deal with your own like doing yoga and working out. Great job with that commitment. Somehow you've got to remind yourself - wear a rubber band or something to snap on your wrist - and when you start to feel that anger creeping in to your random thoughts, "Oh yeah. I decided I was going to think about something good instead." And then do it! Think about a favorite vacation spot, something, to derail this free rein you've given to that emotion.
I didn't come here to wield a 2x4. I try not to say something to someone just to see my advice in print. I say it because I truly believe that it might shine some light on an issue I believe is getting in your way of progress and healing - no matter what your WAW ultimately decides to do about your M.
What do you think?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
