And what is wrong with me that I know how to re-attract him physically, but not in any other way? Why can't I work out how to do it in other ways? And why the f*** do I have such a strong desire to run away, what's wrong with me? That's exactly what I'm condemning him for!
I'm sorry you're struggling, Susana. You do deserve to be happy, and I hope you two can figure this out, because there's all that shared history together, and obviously a great physical attraction, too.
One of the faults I have with DBing (and nearly all of these marital and relationship websites for that matter, not just this one) is that there is this overall bias of "There must have been something wrong with YOU if your husband/wife strayed/walked away." And while many of the times there was, SOMETIMES we really are okay with who we are and you can lose YOURself in trying to jump thru hoops making changes for the wayward/walkaway spouse. After months and sometimes even years of all of this GAL, 180, introspection, "clean up your own side of the street," etc., some betrayed spouses find themselves eventually saying "You know what? I really am okay with me. It was him."
And I think that's OK.
None of us can tell from the other side of the internet and a keyboard what all of your marital dynamics were with your husband. And I'm NOT saying it's NOT you, or at least partially you -- maybe you overthink things, or smother him, or he feels "tested" all the time as I mentioned that one time before, who knows.
But it MIGHT not be you, and I'd hate to see you change JUST to try to get him back, if you're really okay with "you."
That's why we always advise people to work on those criticisms that "sting," that we really know are genuine faults that we have, and do it for OURSELVES. Those are fine. But if there are other parts of you that you're genuinely okay with, and go to the core of who Susana is, then you shouldn't change them just for him.
Food for thought (even tho I know yours was just a rant).
You do deserve to be happy, and I hope you two can figure this out, because there's all that shared history together, and obviously a great physical attraction, too.