Sorry, rant coming up... I know I am mind reading and thinking about stuff I shouldn't be and all that, but I really just needed to write this down and get it out, and my coach suggested journalling might help me process my feelings. And this afternoon I was feeling a lot of anger.
...
How can he?!
I feel so rejected for who I am. He's clearly still very attracted to me physically, which makes me feel like there's something wrong with my personality. Am I that horrible to live with?! But then he goes and says stuff like "I love living with you" and "you are the loveliest and kindest person I know". So if I am so lovely and kind and great to live with, and we had so much fun together on date nights etc. why the f*** can't we be together? I know I made mistakes and there are things I needed to fix, but I don't feel like anything I did was that awful, not enough to be worth throwing our M away over.
Why the f*** does he want to keep doing stuff together, going out for dinner and making food together? Why does he keep doing my laundry, and laughing with me, and caring when I get hurt and wanting to hear about me? Why does he think about me when he's on vacation? Why???
I just feel like so many of the "problems" he brought up are things he would face in any R. He wasn't happy when we argued -- well who is?! He says we argued too much but I think we just didn't learn how to communicate well. We spent too much time together - well that's something that could have been negotiated and discussed. And he gave up too many of his hobbies/activities for me - that's his own d@mn fault, he should have kept them up, and I don't see what that has to do with me. He said he's felt in every R he's had that he lost himself and no longer felt like himself (although he also said our R was the first one where he didn't lie about who he was, and pretend to like things he didn't like - but he did give up some activities). But then how can he not see that's a problem in HIM, not a problem with us, and that will just repeat itself with any future R he has?!
I'm just so angry. I'm working on cleaning up my side of the street but it just doesn't seem that dirty. It just feels like he veered off the road for no apparent reason, or because there was a tiny bump.
I just don't get how he seemed so certain, and so happy for our entire M. I had my moments of questioning 'is this right' and 'should we be together' and he never had ANY. Then all of the sudden he's decided he doesn't want to be together?!
And what is wrong with me that I know how to re-attract him physically, but not in any other way? Why can't I work out how to do it in other ways? And why the f*** do I have such a strong desire to run away, what's wrong with me? That's exactly what I'm condemning him for!
NOPE this is not about YOU.
It is all on HIM.
You didnt break him and cant fix him.
So clean up your side of the street and keep moving forward, nothing else I can say.
