[susana4]

Thanks for the perspective, gogofo. I guess it is hard for me to understand so it's really interesting to hear what it feels like to be in that mindset. I know that it's just the way he is so I try not to let it upset me and one of my 180s is not criticising so I don't say anything any more about his money situation! I just try to validate - "oh wow, that sounds so hard." In the grand scheme of things, it is something I can accept. It could be a lot worse!

But I guess I just don't really think that much about money, so it's hard for me to understand his mentality. I am very systematic with money. I do a budget each month, some goes into the joint account, some into savings, some into my personal account for spending. The spending money I break down into money for each week, and if I run out I dip into my buffer (I always have a buffer!) or I don't go out. I don't mind going out with friends and them having dinner and me just getting a drink. For my H, he has a fear of missing out, so he is scared of missing social occasions and I don't think he could go and just have a drink while everyone else ate. That's what I don't get, and that's why I get annoyed when he complains, I think. Because I think - what are you complaining about? It's not like you were forced to spend that money! But then I try to remind myself to be compassionate and think about how it feels for him. I like the approach you mentioned of focusing on the good times and talking about how I feel having lunch or nights out rather than lecturing.

Gogofo, I have a question for you. One thing I did in the past, but I think was a mistake, was H was always complaining about spending so I tried to accommodate by changing plans. So for example, we used to have a date night every week. He used to complain a lot about how expensive it was, so I started looking for cheap activities. We found some really cool stuff! But to save money we started eating dinner from tupperware before going wherever we were headed for date night, rather than going to a restaurant. I thought this was a really good way to save money and H was happy. It was fun in the summer when we went and sat in a park and chatted. But in the winter it wasn't very nice, because we'd eat huddled on a street corner, quickly, or standing up waiting for the train. Once we even stood around a trash can eating! I've realised since BD but I think this wasn't very good for us. We were spending time together on date nights, but not really - because it always felt like we were rushing somewhere. Eating as quickly as we could in the cold, then running to catch the train to wherever we were going. We didn't really get to talk.
So anyway my question for you is this; do you think it is a good idea to accommodate money concerns like this? Or is it better to encourage the other person to spend money by focusing on the good times?

I have thought about what I would do if we reconciled (although I don't hold out much hope for that at the moment). I think it would be important to have date nights again where we could spend time talking and connecting, not eating quickly out of tupperware. One thought I had was putting money for date night in the joint account (rather than individual spending accounts), that way we'd have a set amount we could use each time and it would reduce stress. Anyway this is all so hypothetical it's silly so I probably shouldn't waste my time thinking about it! I just got on this train of thought.