Mozza (10) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

sandi2 - Thank you so much for taking the time to respond at length to my questions. They are very important to me at the moment and I greatly appreciate your insights.

I don't wish to make this any more complicated that it already may be. Psychologists would probably break it down into more complex categories, IDK. But trying to keep basically to where I started, I believe it is what's in the heart before an A ever happens. Whatever moral and spiritual/religious foundation they received while their character was being molded in childhood to adulthood, IMHO (and I am certainly no expert), would have a great influence on those type of decisions in life.

My W had a paradoxical upbringing: on the one hand, she was spoiled as an only child of wealthy parents. She went to the best schools, on fantastic holidays, she never had a summer or part-time job in her life because her parents paid everything for her (tuition, allocation, rent, etc.) until she was with me, at 24. On the other hand, her mom was authoritarian and left little room for my W's own personality. My W had to do what good and serious people do. She's not even interested in her degrees' topics. It's only in recent years that she has started following her heart in her career, with my support and encouragement.

The impact, in my opinion, is that on the one hand she got more reward than the effort she put in, both financially and in interpersonal relations. She developed a strong flight mechanism. When it became challenging with me, she flew again rather than fix it, like she does for her jobs, her cities, her friends. I can't believe I didn't see it coming. On the other hand, she's had a hard time to discover herself and got to it late, so now she's on a roll and decided that the next step was without me.

IMO, it is not an issue of loosing but of choosing. We should make our decisions based on what we know is right & wrong, and not on how we feel. I don't know your W's moral character, but I would guess she knows it is not right to be in a M and be involved with another man. She allowed her emotions to lead her astray, instead of doing what she knew to be right. She was not innocent. She wanted something strong enough to put her M and family at risk to have it, although it was wrong in several areas of moral character. B/c she chooses to do what she knows is immorally wrong for a married woman, she becomes wayward in her thinking, emotions, and behavior.

My W had been cheated on when she was in college and she was still traumatized by the experience when we met. She was like a scared animal about it. Being faithful and finding a faithful man was at the top of her list. It was a no-brainer for me so it gave her reassurance. Yet, she cheated twice on me and now I'm the scared animal. So yes, I believe that there is a clash between her values and her behavior. I'm not sure she'll ever be able to overcome her emotions to live according to her values though.

Of course, I haven't resolved the question and don't face this dilemma immediately as my W is far from showing signs she wants to reconcile. I'll continue my thinking about it and welcome very much the experience of others who have to cope with serial cheaters.