Seperated -she is with someone, I'm desperate (3)

[vdubber]

So I told her i wouldn't be home until 730. She told me to text her when I did and I simply said I'm home now, you are welcome to stop by if you would like but I didn't want her to feel she had to so no worries either way. She said maybe she would wait as she would feel she was intruding. I said I understood and it was no worries, have a good night. I get a response of "Fine".

I realize she was waiting for me to insist on her coming by but I simply didn't feel like begging so I didn't . Yes I would have liked to have seen her, but not out of a sense obligation or guilt. Yes she probably feels guilty not being here when all of our kids are...good.

I know I seem a bit angry. On her bday just 3 months ago I picked up kids so she could see her friends for a couple hours and I bought gifts from kids and i, and brought home Chinese food and a cheesecake and ice cream. Yep, another example of me kissing her a$$ while she was with others even though I didn't know at the time as I was stupid.

The W I had was beautiful, smart, creative, kind, thoughtful, caring, and a true inspiration. The W now is pretty much the opposite of all of those things with the exception of her beauty which haunts me still.

I'm off to bed as this one is in the books and it's only uphill for me from here I hope. Night to all...

[sandi2]

So I told her i wouldn't be home until 730. She told me to text her when I did and I simply said I'm home now, you are welcome to stop by if you would like but I didn't want her to feel she had to so no worries either way. She said maybe she would wait as she would feel she was intruding.I said, "Okay" I understood and it was no worries, have a good night. I get a response of "Fine".

[vdubber]

Thanks Sandi, this helps. I can see now I said too much. I really need to think my responses through before communicating. I felt like I came across as an a$$ to her as I knew she wanted me to insist on her coming by but the reality is it would have been extremely uncomfortable for me and my older 2 kids who are aware she is seeing someone. Having said that I still feel a sense of hurt not seeing her on my birthday. I still have detaching to do.

[vdubber]

Quick update. So W messaged me today saying there is alot she misses. I say me too. She says she was thinking of asking me if I would want to court her as she felt we never dated, that we were just married. I say yes I agree.

It's true that we were so young we dated at 16 married at 18 but were just kids and always just together.

Not sure how I should take this but seems she is reaching out a bit here?

[vdubber]

I'm not sure how to respond to her so maybe I just sit back and wait to see if she brings it up again? Trying not to get hopeful as I have heard many times not to believe what they say...yet is it wrong for me to hope?

[vdubber]

Well not much to report. W messaged after work saying she was going home to do laundry and then go to bed early. She doesn't have kids and would normally go straight from work to bar. This paired with her messages earlier about if I would want to court her make me wonder if her and OM are on the rocks.

I know better than to assume this means she wants me back but the mind is a terrible thing sometimes and has me hoping she sincerely is thinking about the choices she has made and what she is losing in me.

I'm going to go to bed and try to get some sleep. Any advice on the communication from her would be appreciated as I get confused between reality of where her mind is probably at and my desire to have my W back in my life.

[Zues126]

I think Starsky's script applies. Something like "I understand why you would feel that way. I made many mistakes in the M and allowing romance and passion to flag was among the biggest. That said, I'm not prepared to live in an open marriage as that is incredibly disrespectful. If you were prepared to terminate that relationship and recommit to the marriage you'd find me willing to address everything that lead to it's failure. But I'm not going to wait forever so I think we will both have some decisions to make".

Something like that. Watch their actions and watch your boundaries.

[vdubber]

Thanks Zues...yes I will want to reiterate to her that I am only interested in spending time with her if she has dissolved the other relationship and wants to commit to our M. I don't want to scare her off as this is the most she's ever reached out but I also need to be firm that I an not willing to be in an open M. I do agree that we would need to start at a dating level if she's able to commit.

I don't want to miss out on an opportunity but need to make sure it's real and not just cake eating. She did message me good night, then something funny, then good morning. she's definitely on the offensive and has been in the pursuing role the past week. Of course it could all change in the blink of an eye as I don't know her frame of mind but know the WAW isn't to be trusted.

[sandi2]

W messaged after work saying she was going home to do laundry and then go to bed early. She doesn't have kids and would normally go straight from work to bar. This paired with her messages earlier about if I would want to court her make me wonder if her and OM are on the rocks.

Remember how she acted just the other night? Then wham! Out of the blue the next day she asks if you would want to court her. She is temp checking.

First, she plays this silly game where she hints around of maybe she will ---- maybe she won't come over. She wanted you to sound desperate and plead with her to come see you. You didn't and so, she was furious. I can almost guarantee you that she then set about to check and see if you are still available as her backup plan. She needs to assure herself that you still sit in the palm of her hand. That is how she has control over this stitch. When you don't act according to what she expects....she feels that she is loosing control over you, so she sets about to make sure you stay emotionally attached.

The mistake many H's make is seeing this as her reaching out. It's not happening. This is the time to step back some more. I know, you are scared to do it, afraid you'll lose her. Well, you can't lose what you don't have. And she is just setting you up for more disappointment. It is nothing more than game playing.

So, if it comes up again, you need to respond with a short message with something along the lines of: "At this point, I would have to give the courting idea a great deal of consideration. Based on where things stand at the moment, I am not ready for such consideration".

She will be po'd about that one, for sure! That's okay, b/c when she cools off, she'll set about on another tactic. But here's the thing, if you told her today how you still want to work on the M and you think dating would be a good place to begin....yada, yada, yada........it would turn her off. She would make some excuse or start telling you she isn't ready to work on the M, she still doesn't know what she wants....yada, yada. She just misses you and thought you could be adult enough to just date. All BS. Her goal was not to really date you. It was to see if you were still interested, and therefore she still has emotional control over you. See? She knows she can keep OM and still have you waiting in the wings just in case she needs a backup plan.

[vdubber]

Hi Sandi. I so look forward to getting your input and advice. It's not always what I hope to hear but know it's the truth about what is going on in my life.

Unfortunately I had already had communication with her earlier prior to getting your feedback. I had told her i would not have an interest in dating her if she was seeing someone else. She responded a bit later saying so if other men wanted to court her i wouldn't be interested. That I wanted her to be in a committed relationship with me and saying that isn't courting. That I don't see her as her own woman. That I am laying out the rules of courting her and that she can comply or forget it so she will forget it.

I responded saying yes I expect commitment t us and i am not willing to be with her if she seeks affection from others. That it simply won't happen.

So wtf...she thinks the man who has loved her for 28 years just wants to be in a boyfriend rotation? Who the heck has she become? It's clear that she misses me and wants me in her life but is not willing to give up OM or OM's??

I no longer respect her morals and values, she is not the woman I married. I hope she can snap out of her new life as she is losing the best man she has and will ever know.

I'm very depressed tonight...